Quit yer bitchin’

Me: Wahhhhh! Wonder Woman, Zan and Jayna each have a cough and the sniffles, and I think I might be coming down with the same! We’re sick! How tragic! [Tragedy becomes fodder for previous blog entry.]

The Universe, after reading said blog entry: You call that sick? I’ll show you sick, bee-yatch.

[Cut to Wonder Woman hunched over toilet, vomiting uncontrollably and repeatedly throughout the night. Roll montage of clips depicting an even-more-sleep-deprived-than-usual me trying to be Mr. Mom the remainder of that evening and the following day. Cue laugh track.]

Me: Wow. I sure wish Wonder Woman had something less dire … like a cough and the sniffles, for example. This sucks.

The Universe: Oh, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet, sucka!

[Cut to dinner time.]

Me: Zan, it’s dinner time.

Zan: NOOOOOOOO!

Me: You have to eat, Zan.

Zan: NOOOOOO! I DON’T WANNA EAT!

[Much crying and screaming ensues. Mommy steps in and convinces Zan to consume a hotdog. Jump to post-dinner footage.]

Zan: I have a tummy ache.

Wonder Woman: Do you need to poop?

Me: Do you wanna try to poop on the potty?

Director’s note: Poop is a major theme in the Scratches household.

[Two minutes later: Cut to Zan projectile vomiting his hotdog dinner and macaroni lunch all over the family-room carpet and himself. Turns out he didn't need to poop.]

Me: Fuck.

[Wonder Woman and I console Zan while peeling him out of his vomit-covered clothes. I begin tackling the carpet cleaning. I clearly have no clue what I'm doing. At one point, a thick paste of partially digested hotdog and macaroni, baking soda and seltzer water covers the affected area. Cue laugh track.]

Wonder Woman to the now-pajama-clad Zan: It’s OK, baby. I’ll carry you up to bed.

[Wonder Woman leaves family room carrying Zan. Ten steps later, Zan vomits all over himself and mommy.]

Me: Fuck.

[Wonder Woman changes Zan again. I cover his mattress with a beach towel. We put him to bed. I continue cleaning up vomit.]

[Fast-forward two hours: Zan's monitor broadcasts retching, and then crying. More vomit-cleaning follows.]

[Cut to me spending the night on the couch, Zan's and Jayna's monitors by my side. The sound of crying regularly erupts from each. I rise frequently and sleep little, thereby allowing Wonder Woman a decent night's rest. Though seemingly benevolent, my motive for doing so is to expedite her recovery so that she can get back to steering the ship.]

The Universe: Do we understand each other now?

Me: Yes. Please spare Jayna and me.

Voiceover: Will The Universe honor Jon’s request and allow both him and his infant daughter to steer clear of The Pukey Bug? Only time will tell …

[Roll credits.]