Jon’s List of Things Not to Do, Item Nos. 231-233

231.) DO NOT assume that your wife won’t mind you posting on the Internet details about her personal life—such as a sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience.

232.) If you should choose to disregard No. 231, DO NOT include in the sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience a passage in which you cynically describe the act of buying your wife Valentine’s Day cards on behalf of her young children as an exercise in which you and she “pretend” that the children got her cards—especially when you’re writing about the fact that you forgot to get her those cards.

233.) Too stupid to heed the advice put forth in Nos. 231 and 232? Well, then DO NOT be surprised at how much of a total and utter heel you feel like when your wife, after reading your Valentine’s Day narrative, describes to you how the card that she bought for your 2-year-old son to give to you was one that “he picked out by himself at the store and asked [her] to read to him a dozen times, and then scribbled his ‘name’ in all by himself while telling [her] that the scribbles said, ‘Dear Daddy, Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you. Zan.’”

233a.) Seriously, dude. Trust me, you will feel like a gigantic turd if it comes to that.

WARNING: If you are actually dumb enough to let things progress as far as item No. 233, you better hope to hell you at least remembered to get her a card and some roses.