Safety 1st my ass

I am Daddy. Not only am I Daddy, but I am Daddy the Ex-Military Police K-9 Handler, as well as The Person Who Is Smarter Than Everyone Else In the Room—characteristics that inherently mean I can take care of “It,” whatever “It” might be.

I have been able to cloak myself in this delusion for years, and it has allowed me to chuckle and look with pity and scorn upon those among you who occasionally have found yourselves in laughably ridiculous situations from which you have had to be extricated by others who apparently are smarter and more levelheaded than you.

Well, even Superman has an Achilles Heel.

Last night, I learned that my own personal kryptonite is created by employing the following recipe:

Ingredients

• 1 Dorel Industries Inc. Safety 1st Tubside Bath Seat

Safety 1st Tubside Bath Seat

• 1 galactically adorable 9-month-old girl sired by yours truly

Galactically Adorable 9-month-old Girl

Directions

  1. Fill tub.
  2. Place galactically adorable 9-month-old girl into the Dorel Industries Inc. Safety 1st Tubside Bath Seat.
  3. Bathe.
  4. Discover upon draining the tub that the galactically adorable 9-month-old girl has somehow transferred her left leg from the opening through which it should be extended to an opening directly to the left of the opening through which it should be extended.
  5. Further discover that, because of the manner in which the galactically adorable 9-month-old girl is now positioned, you are apparently unable to remove her from the seat without snapping her legs off at the knees.
  6. Spend 10-or-so minutes trying—and failing—to solve this human Rubix Cube, during which time the galactically adorable 9-month-old girl becomes increasingly distressed, to the point that she is now crying and screaming hysterically, and clearly wishes to no longer be seated in the Dorel Industries Inc. Safety 1st Tubside Bath Seat.
  7. Decide that you will resolve the situation by disassembling the Dorel Industries Inc. Safety 1st Tubside Bath Seat.
  8. Discover that Dorel Industries Inc. has constructed its Safety 1st Tubside Bath Seat so as to thwart any attempts by mere mortals to deconstruct it. There is nary an exposed bolt, screw, nut, tab or other such item by the undoing of which you might free your galactically adorable 9-month-old girl.
  9. Bring to a boil both your level of anger and frustration, and the galactically adorable 9-month-old girl’s level of distress. Factor in that the galactically adorable 9-month-old girl is wet and becoming increasingly colder.
  10. Based on Step 8, decide that you will now employ your tried-and-true final-resort strategy for dealing with any inanimate object that causes you such a massive degree of trouble, otherwise known as the Tear-the-Living-Shit-Out-of-It-Until-It-No-Longer-Resembles-Its-Original-Form Method.
  11. Discover that Dorel Industries Inc. manufactures its Safety 1st Tubside Bath Seat using remarkably durable materials, and that you are unable to free the galactically adorable 9-month-old girl using the Tear-the-Living-Shit-Out-of-It-Until-It-No-Longer-Resembles-Its-Original-Form Method without inflicting upon the galactically adorable 9-month-old girl some form of life-threatening puncture wound.

Using the aforementioned ingredients and 11-step recipe, I was effectively stripped of my super powers, and was forced to answer “Yeah, probably” when Wonder Woman asked “Should I be calling 911?” (No, I am not making this shit up.)

Within moments, a large red fire truck was parked in front of my house, and a pair of incredibly helpful firemen came in to rescue the galactically adorable 9-month-old girl, whose father—a.k.a. the Frantic Pussy—was unable to save her.

In the short period of time between Wonder Woman placing the 911 call and the firemen entering the house, I clung to the remaining shreds of my Cloak of Superiority by telling myself that this was simply a situation for which I did not have the proper hardware, and that the firemen would surely need to use the Jaws of Life or some other exotic tool to free my daughter—which, therefore, meant that, technically, I couldn’t be expected to solve this problem on my own, regardless of how brilliant I am.

Roughly three minutes after they arrived, the firemen were able to free my daughter by coaxing her left leg back through the opening whence it came and directing it through the opening through which it should have been extended. From there, we were able to lift her from the seat as usual.

Farewell, remaining shreds of my Cloak of Superiority

The rescue would have taken even less time were it not for the fact that the Frantic Pussy tried to assist the two firemen in their efforts, an act that mostly involved hampering everyone’s progress for fear that the two firemen were accidentally forcing the galactically adorable 9-month-old girl’s leg to bend in a direction it wasn’t capable of bending.

As the firemen placed my daughter in my arms, I thanked them profusely and apologized for being such a moron. They were incredibly gracious, shrugged off the thanks, said that they were just doing their job, and even attempted to help me save face by suggesting that it was probably easier for them to free her because they weren’t as emotionally involved and, therefore, weren’t as paranoid about using a little bit of force to reposition her leg.

They then returned to the firehouse and presumably reported me to The Board of Men, who I can only assume will soon contact me to request that I surrender my testicles.

EPILOGUE

Determined to lessen my sense of inadequacy by discovering at least one other person to whom this had also happened, I Googled the following string:

“Safety 1st” “bath seat” stuck.

After doing so, I found posted at Amazon the following customer comments about Dorel Industries Inc.’s Safety 1st Tubside Bath Seat:

» UNSAFE PRODUCT-POSSIBLE RECALL SOON
Reviewer: Maria L. (Wayne, NJ)

I am a practicing pediatrician in the NJ area. We had a patient today who came in to our office after he was able to wiggle out of this seat and turn around, getting his legs entrapped in the back openings beneath the seat, which are not as wide as the front openings. The edges of the plastic from the back of the seat dug into his legs severely and he had to be cut out of the tub. He sustained multiple bruises due to his circulation being cut off. The company was called and there have been at least 10 such instances of the same event. This item will probably be recalled.

» Do not buy this
Reviewer: Mitzi M. Borke

We started using this tub a few months ago. It was great at first, but it was hard to get his legs out sometimes. Then last week, my son got his legs stuck in the back holes. I could not get him out. He was in pain because it is a smaller area and it’s sharp. When my husband came home, we had to CUT him out. We took him to the doctor and he had nothing broken, but he has mutiple bruises on his legs. He was so scared because he knew he was stuck. I called Kids in Danger and this has happen numerous times. The police had been called to cut [other children] out. Please be aware of this.
I will always have a phone with me in the bathroom!

» Functional but not safe
Reviewer: Jennifer Piano “Jen” (Los Angeles, CA)
I really liked this seat and thought it was a great product until a week ago when my daughter got stuck. She had pulled one of her legs into the seat and had it folded in front of her. Then, when she tried to straighten it, it went through the back hole (why the back part is open doesn’t make sense) but when I tried to put her foot through the right hole she was stuck, as the back part is too low and, while it is easy for them to slide their legs in, it is nearly impossible to get them out. After half an hour of trying and crying, we got her out, only to hear a week later that my friend’s son … got stuck. They had to have the fire dept. come and they had to cut it off!!! Talk about traumatic.

These are just a few of the many similar customer testimonials about this seat, all of which were dated between May and December of last year. When one considers how many people who don’t run to Amazon and write up their experiences are likely to have encountered the same problem, it seems fair to say that this is a relatively common occurrence. Given that that’s the case, I cannot for the life of me understand how Dorel Industries Inc. hasn’t recalled this piece of shit seat, or at least put a “Hey, your kid’s leg might get stuck and you might then have to call strong, burly men to come save you” warning on the box.

So, in closing, I would like to tell Dorel Industries Inc. to eat me.

Eat me, Dorel Industries Inc.

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16 Comments

  1. Wonder Woman
    Posted April 28, 2006 at 2:01 pm | Permalink

    You are too funny, honey. I got your back with The Board of Men!

  2. Posted April 28, 2006 at 2:11 pm | Permalink

    “Functional but not safe.”

    So there’s pluses and minuses.

  3. Auntie Z.
    Posted April 28, 2006 at 2:13 pm | Permalink

    Wow, I just finished reading the article “Daughter trapped in Bathtub; Father loses Testicles” on Boston.com. Didn’t know that was you!

  4. Mom
    Posted April 28, 2006 at 3:51 pm | Permalink

    At first I was holding my breath while reading this!
    Then I got a picture in my head of the firemen marching through the front door and freeing that little pink girl from the seat and I am cracking up!
    Sounds like you could have used some medical attention! No one said this gig is easy! Glad all is well. Nana

  5. marianne
    Posted April 28, 2006 at 6:46 pm | Permalink

    I am this man’s Mother-in-law and I request that for the best interests of his wife, my daughter, he keep his balls, accept the humble lessons our children teach us, and know that I still respected him this morning!!

    Give that little girl a hug for me!! M-M

  6. DTebbs
    Posted April 28, 2006 at 10:21 pm | Permalink

    DAMMIT JON, DON’T GIVE UP YOUR TESTICLES!! Its all you got left…

  7. Uncle Jason
    Posted April 30, 2006 at 11:11 am | Permalink

    I suppose if you have to remove your testicles you can always utilize the Dorel Industries hanging bathtub-seems to be quite good at strangling tiny appendages!

  8. aunt gerry
    Posted May 1, 2006 at 8:36 pm | Permalink

    HAD TEARS RUNNING DOWN……FUNNIEST E-MAIL IN A LONG TIME…..GLAD ALL IS WELL WITH YOUR PRINCESS…..WELCOME TO EVERYDAY MISHAPS WITH CHILDREN……DAVID ONCE HANDCUFFED HIMSELF TO THE LIVINGROOM DOORKNOB AND CHAMP WAS AT WORK ON A CALL…OH WELL!!!!! NOTHING LIKE AN OLD-FASHIONED BATH IN THE SINK… LOVE TO ALL

  9. Posted February 26, 2009 at 10:09 am | Permalink

    I just found your site yesterday and ever since then I have been in stiches. You are cracking my ass up! I know this is an old blog, but I was reading it at work and was told several times to stop snorting! The comments even made me laugh harder, thanks to DTebbs and Auntie Z!

  10. Tracey
    Posted April 5, 2009 at 9:50 pm | Permalink

    OMG…gasp! To damn funny!!!

    Tracey

    picturethis.tlh.blogspot.com

  11. Laura
    Posted April 7, 2009 at 12:11 am | Permalink

    Just discovered this blog. Love the humor – this post made me laugh until I cried! Thanks!

  12. Posted April 15, 2009 at 11:53 pm | Permalink

    You are definitely a GREAT story teller! I’m sure the whole episode was very traumatic at the time, but seriously, what a good laugh it gives now.

  13. Deb
    Posted September 4, 2009 at 1:52 pm | Permalink

    This is right up there with the time my 2 yo daughter got the Duplo block stuck in the roof of her mouth and I had to take her to the ER to get it taken out.

    Too funny!

    Deb

  14. Posted May 17, 2010 at 12:37 pm | Permalink

    I am so glad I found this post in the archives. I am immediately sharing and sending it out. cause the “Frantic Pussy” is actually the hero…

  15. mommyteya
    Posted April 22, 2013 at 12:22 pm | Permalink

    I – a meer woman – have never had such a hard time getting my child out of the seat. I think you may want to pay closer attention to where the little pricess places her legs next time and quit trying to blame innlanimate objects for childrens antics and human stupidity. Lol

  16. Carrie
    Posted July 20, 2013 at 5:42 pm | Permalink

    That was freakin’ hilarious. Seriously. Thanks.

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