How I love thee, frozen peas

Frozen peas

Dear Frozen Peas,

Thank you. Thank you for giving me a haven in which to nestle my traumatized scrotum. Your soothing, pain-relieving, inflammation-reducing frigidity is a gift indeed.

Even as I write this, you are bravely toughing it out in the pouch of my jock strap, which is holding you firmly against my aforementioned traumatized scrotum. To find yourself in such a dark and alien environment must come as quite a surprise, as you no doubt had assumed since the moment the farmer plucked your pod from the vine that you would ultimately be served up hot and steaming — perhaps with a pat of butter, even.

But, no, yours turned out to be a higher calling.

It was the promise of your frozen goodness, in part, that helped me endure yesterday’s puncturing of the scrotum, and subsequent snipping, suturing and cauterizing of both the left and right vas deferens, through which no sperm shall ever again pass.

Yes, the Novocain played a more immediate role in those moments during which I lay prone on the table beneath the harsh fluorescent lighting while the doctor handled my goods in a most invasive and unwelcome fashion — but Novocain wears off in short order … while you, my frozen friends, you never falter. Though the warmth of my genitals may sap you of your power, a short stay in the freezer restores you to your original glory, and a bag of your frozen brethren is always at the ready when you need to tag out for a break.

I suppose you are owed an explanation for the circumstance in which you now find yourselves.

The explanation is twofold, with the first reason — the most important and significant reason — being that it would be good neither for myself, nor my family, nor The Universe in general for me to father another child. I have been graced with two extraordinary children — one son and one daughter, no less — whom I love and cherish more than I ever thought it possible to love and cherish something. The loving-and-cherishing is the easy part, however; it is the caring-for that is the real kicker, and I am quite certain that my ability to care for a third child is, well, nonexistent. I’m tapped out.

Occasionally, during those (frequent) moments when my son and daughter have my wife and I stretched to the breaking point, I envision an additional child thrown into the mix, and that vision is one that can best be described as “horrifically untenable.” Against the backdrop of raising a third child for the next couple of decades, the alternative of subjecting myself to a 30-minute session of genital mutilation actually seemed quite desirable.

Of course, a by-product of this precautionary sterilization logically leads to the second reason — or incentive, if you will — for getting a vasectomy: unprotected sex.

I believe in condoms, strongly support their use, think that they should be distributed far and wide, and know that they are critical in helping to curb the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. (Thanks to my late grandfather, I also am aware that they can serve many other useful purposes, to include keeping rain out of the barrel of one’s machine gun when one finds oneself fighting on the South Pacific island of Iwo Jima during World War II, and for keeping one’s wallet dry when, while on shore leave, one thinks that it would be best to hide one’s wallet for safekeeping in the tank of the commode in one’s hotel room.)

Having said all of that, I will share with you a secret, frozen peas: I hate rubbers.

This is not to say that, were I single, I would have unprotected sex; I wouldn’t (though, if my bachelor years are any indication, that would have more to do with the lack of a partner than with choosing to use a condom). It is to say, however, that I think that one benefit of being in a monogamous relationship that I fully expect will endure from now until the end of my life is the luxury of having fearlessly unprotected sex. The only thing stopping me to date has been reason No. 1 described above.

With reason No. 1 now surgically removed from the equation … well, if and when my wife and I ever find the time and energy to have a romantic interlude, it shall be latex-free.

And it is you, frozen peas, that have been significant contributors to this cause. Without you, my scrotum would be swollen and sore. Without you, the razor burn created on my scrotum when the doctor shaved it would be far more uncomfortable than it already is. Without you … well, I don’t even want to think what my world would be like right now without you.

Thank you, frozen peas.

Love,
Jon

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22 Comments

  1. Posted July 22, 2006 at 11:32 am | Permalink

    Having gone through this experience just 4 (tomorrow) short weeks ago. I knew from the title what the topic was. I can honestly say, I feel your pain! I had to forego the peas, I went straight for the ziplock bag full of crushed ice. The mass of ice never bothered me like I thought that it might. In fact, it was never quite cold enough. I remember tucking in at night with a large ziplock full of ice down my shorts, only to wake up in the morning with a bag of water. Good times indeed.

  2. marianne
    Posted October 30, 2006 at 9:23 pm | Permalink

    well…all i can say my dear Son-in-law, is that your brave Father-in-law went thru this twice!!
    The surgeon cut the same vas twice during the first surgery….NOTHING in life is a sure thing!!
    M.

  3. Posted March 14, 2009 at 7:27 pm | Permalink

    OMGosh that was freaking hilarious and clever! I’m gonna read this to my husband, who too had a V.

  4. muleshoes
    Posted April 4, 2009 at 1:47 am | Permalink

    Thank you for the TRUE SCOOP!

    All I remember of the foggy recovery from my tubal ligation is pain! Cramps! Birthing 20lb baby CRAMPS!! And the cheery nurse telling the newly snipped young man behind the next curtain to “…have a good time floating down the river”!! WTF? Ive had three babies–one of em in 30 MINUTES fer chrissakes–and none of them come close to the pain from that “minor surgery”

    I feel better–maybe that newly snipped young man just THOUGHT he was gonna float down the river on an inner tube that day

  5. Posted May 23, 2009 at 8:30 pm | Permalink

    Hee..hee…hee…Good Lord I may never Look at frozen peas in the same way!
    My Hubby I think would take to hims own self with a Knife if it promised him Latex free shagging and no more Bambinos!

  6. Ann
    Posted June 17, 2009 at 5:02 pm | Permalink

    I had my hubby fixed many years ago, and he never had any pain or used any ice. As a matter of fact, he had it done at 2:00 pm and was back at work the next morning. However, after speaking to many men about this, I realized he was the only one that ever did this. Sorry for your pain!

  7. Posted August 27, 2009 at 1:25 pm | Permalink

    Hmmm, guess I should make sure my husband doesn’t see this come this February….
    Love the blog though!

  8. Posted September 5, 2009 at 8:58 pm | Permalink

    and people have always said peas were bad & gross….i guess all things do have some kind of higher purpose eh? lol

    this post made me laugh and i’m just glad you were not a wuss like my ex was in regards to this whole thing. i’m the one who had a tubal. here i am with my last two kids almost out the door and there he is with one who is only 2. better him than me! lol
    .-= ciara´s last blog ..Road to College Part 2 =-.

  9. Posted September 27, 2009 at 10:59 pm | Permalink

    That’s EXACTLY where I’m at right now. We just had our 2nd 5 months ago and I love them to pieces but like you am tapped out and could not imagine a 3rd or even having to go through what we’ve gone through the past year all over again. I’ll be making an appointment for the snipping within the next week or so, reading this has helped tone down my fears of the procedure, thanks.

  10. Posted October 20, 2009 at 5:51 pm | Permalink

    Why peas? Why not corn? Those little nibblets seem appropriately sized…but no. It’s always peas…

  11. Gabby
    Posted October 20, 2009 at 7:39 pm | Permalink

    Even the best surgeon who causes you no pain can still screw up… our last neighbor had three kids, one of which he called his “Miracle Son”, who was born after his 3rd (yes, THIRD) vasectomy. Make sure you’re tested neg for swimmers post-op!

  12. Beth
    Posted October 21, 2009 at 6:34 pm | Permalink

    that is just too funny, i love the way you put images in my mind LOL my hubby refused to get snipped..says he still wants another kiddo..well thanks to cancer, thats not an issue anymore..i had a hysterectomy less than 2 weeks ago..and phew..coz as a sahm i dont think i could handle one more child! lol we have our boy and our girl..we’re set!

  13. Posted October 29, 2009 at 9:24 pm | Permalink

    Oh. My. God. I seriously just peed in my pants. Thank you for making me laugh so hard I almost croaked.
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Organizing recipes with Del.icio.us is Bril.li.ant =-.

  14. Sarah
    Posted March 12, 2010 at 6:52 am | Permalink

    No pictures with this one? (I am SO getting blocked from this site later today, aren’t I?)

  15. Posted March 13, 2010 at 6:44 pm | Permalink

    So, it wasn’t that bad? Please tell me it wasn’t. An unplanned 4th child is coming in a few months. I’m told that it’s “time.”
    .-= muskrat´s last blog ..the unartistic conception (and, a fisher price sex toy!) =-.

  16. Posted March 13, 2010 at 6:46 pm | Permalink

    Dude, TOTALLY worth it. Short-term discomfort for a lifetime of unprotected sex without the risk of pregnancy. Fucking bargain of a deal, if you ask me.

  17. Russ
    Posted April 30, 2010 at 8:30 am | Permalink

    Dude, the doctor shaved you? I had to shave myself. Boy was that not fun.

  18. Posted June 28, 2010 at 10:21 pm | Permalink

    Did it last weekend. So far, so good. Just published a blog post about it.
    .-= muskrat´s last blog ..a farewell to balls =-.

  19. Posted October 13, 2011 at 10:23 pm | Permalink

    Is it dumb to comment on a post that’s over 5 years old? (Stumbled into your internet space via a Dooce comment page…) This is really funny; I guess that’s why it’s one of your greatest hits. As a “vasectomied” father of two myself, I can relate to that fear of Number Three. My favorite words: “…since the moment the farmer plucked your pod from the vine…” Good stuff.

  20. Posted October 14, 2011 at 10:58 am | Permalink

    It is never dumb to comment on one of my posts, regardless of the publication date … especially when your comment contains compliments. :)

  21. Laura Moreau
    Posted March 25, 2014 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

    Freaking hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! I was in the room with the hubs when the deed was done. I saw everything. I remembered I had a throw away camera in purse (pre cell phone camera days) with some pics left soooo, you guessed it, I took pics and had them developed at the grocery store we frequented almost everyday! Lol!

  22. laughinginbed
    Posted March 25, 2014 at 11:23 pm | Permalink

    That was brilliant! Bloggess comments to no dog post to this: surfing can be beautiful. Thanks for making me laughinbed.

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