Attention beer drinkers

Green Monsta AleThe following is a Public Service Announcement from Daddy Scratches:

Beware of Wachusett Brewing Company’s Green Monsta Ale!

Why? Whaddya mean ‘why’? Because I said so, that’s why. Who are you, my kids? Jesus.

Oh, wait, the “I said so” thing never works with them either. OK, here’s the explanation:

Last Saturday night, a most rare occurrence took place: Wonder Woman and I went out. And not only did we go out, but we went out to dinner and a party.

So let’s start the tally: I had two—count ’em, two—drinks with dinner. This is nothing unusual. (Well, actually, being out for dinner and drinks with my wife is sorrowfully unusual, but the drinking-two-drinks-on-those-all-too-rare-occasions-when-we-do-go-out-for-dinner part, that’s not news.)

But the plot thickens.

After dinner, we popped into a liquor store, where I purchased a six-pack of Wachusett Brewing Company’s aforementioned Green Monsta Ale, because I felt it would be bad form to show up at a party and assume that the hosts would be providing all the booze. I’m nothing if not incredibly considerate (where “incredibly considerate” means “can’t stomach shitty beer and didn’t want to take a chance on getting stuck with nothing to choose from except some gag-reflex-inducing Anheuser Busch product”).

Now, let’s pause for a moment and talk about the efficacy of Wachusett Brewing Company’s marketing department. Had they dubbed their beer “Green Ale” or “Monsta Ale” or “Hey, Won’t You Buy Our Ale? Ale,” chances are I’d have left the store holding a six pack of something plucked from the Sam Adams family tree. Instead, however, the Massachusetts-based W.B.C. named their ale after the Green Monster (pronounced “Monsta” if you’re a Bostonian, of course), the infamous wall at Boston’s Fenway Park (home of the Boston Red Sox, and vantage point from which this photo was taken), and because I am a fan of both microbrew ales and the Sox, I took the bait like a good little consumer should.

Which, for the most part, really isn’t a bad thing, because the beer is very tasty, and I’m quite sure I’ll purchase it again—soon, in fact—except that next time, I’ll know what I didn’t know last Saturday. But let’s not jump ahead.

So a few hours and about three or four beers into the party, I had an epiphany, which I shared with Wonder Woman.

“I’m drunk.”

Not sloppy drunk. Not “I’m gonna make an ass out of myself at this party” drunk. Not even “I hope you’re not expecting me to form complete sentences during this conversation” drunk. Just drunk … happily so, in fact. Problem was, I was drinking at about the same rate I normally do when at a social function, and at that pace, I should not have been “happily drunk”; I should have been “pleasantly buzzed.”

Fortunately, we were literally a half-mile away from our house, if not less, so at least I picked the right party to fuck up at.

Now, the thing about being “pleasantly buzzed” during a party is that it allows me to be “mostly sober” by the time I go to bed, and “feeling like a champion” when I wake the following morning. “Happily drunk” throws that equation off, and I was perplexed as to why a few beers seemed to have hit me so much harder than normal, but I also was drunk and tired, so I shelved that mystery and went to bed.

And when I awoke, my head was pounding like a cartoon thumb that’s been smashed by a cartoon hammer, and my stomach was all “Dude, WTF?” and my equilibrium thingamajigs thought we were at sea.

Fortunately, I was able to curl up under the covers and spend the day sleeping it off in the peace and quiet of the spa-like setting that is my home. BWAHAHAHAHAAAHAA!

Actually, as fate would have it, Sunday is my morning to get up with the kids, who rise at 6 a.m. every single day without fail, if not earlier, and because Wonder Woman, god bless her soul, is the one who gets up with them pretty much every other day, I wasn’t really in a position to beg off. Thankfully, the Wonder Twins were kind enough to let me lay in the fetal position on the floor of our playroom while they entertained themselves, and I really should bake them a cake or something for being so good about letting their hungover Daddy lie there like a deadbeat on top of their oversized teddy bear, drifting in and out of consciousness.

By midday, and following a heaven-sent nap (thank you, honey), I still felt like 10 pounds of ass in a five-pound bag, which just didn’t add up, so I launched an investigation. Here’s how that went:

“Jesus Christ, I can’t believe I’m this friggin’ hungover. In fact, I can’t believe I’m hungover at all. Something is amiss here … and when something is amiss, there’s only one thing to do: Google it.”

Submitted for Wachusett Brewing Company's consideration ...

Submitted for Wachusett Brewing Company's consideration ...

On a hunch, I Googled “Green Monsta Ale” and “alcohol by volume.” And, being the digital Sherlock Holmes that I am, I soon discovered that the average beer contains about 4.5% alcohol by volume. Green Monsta Ale, it turns out, is not an average beer. No, not at all. Nothing average about it. In fact, this overachieving beverage contains 7.5% alcohol by volume. A little quick math will tell you that, based on this information, four Green Monsta Ales contain roughly as much alcohol as about 317 average beers. OK, so math was never my strong suit, but you get the point.

So the Mystery of the Killer Hangover has been solved, and you have been warned … and the next time Wonder Woman and I go to a party … well, I’ll probably be too old to drink anything other than Ensure by then, so I guess it won’t matter.

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  1. Posted January 11, 2009 at 7:48 pm | Permalink

    Yes but-we don’t really “buy” beer, do we? Isn’t it more accurate to say we “rent” it?

    You should come and visit me at my blog because, like you, I took a text ad on Dooce and so far I have earned a WHOLE FOUR DOLLARS off of my Google ad as a result. Despite this overnight success, I am still willing to talk to newbies like yourself–via comments of course–because you never know when a nice Daddy blogger is gonna go all stalker on your butt. Just sayin.

  2. Posted January 11, 2009 at 10:49 pm | Permalink

    Hmmm, I haven’t seen this one yet. Probably illegal in Utah.

  3. Posted January 12, 2009 at 4:24 am | Permalink

    I don’t drink beer Daddy (Eeew – that doesn’t sound right!).
    The alcohol content is way-too-low. (As well as the carbohydrate count)
    Wine is acceptable at 12/13%.
    Hangover cures – lets have them folks!?

  4. Posted January 12, 2009 at 9:52 pm | Permalink

    I’m not sure I’m following the whole “rent” versus “buy” thing. What am I missing?

    Anyway, you may have just gained a reader in my husband. He’s not much of a blogger, but I ran the first comment by him to see if he got it, and of course he had to read the post because it was about beer. He quite enjoyed your tale. And he’ll be looking for the “Monsta” next time he’s at the package store, no doubt.

    Oh, and he didn’t really get it either.

  5. Posted January 12, 2009 at 10:19 pm | Permalink

    I’ve managed to do this (at home) with a beer guru, who happens to be my very own personal Public Service Announcement “That beer has higher alcohol you know… ” “yes, I know but I like it and I want another one” three usually has me feeling it waaayyy more than I would think would get me at “three beers”. This was this past fall with Schlafly’s Pumpkin Ale.

  6. Posted January 12, 2009 at 10:34 pm | Permalink

    Lorrie: Oh, no, I definitely “buy” beer … and I know this because, like just about every other product I’m willing to spend money on, I like the expensive stuff.

    Mari: Not sure if they carry it out of state yet … or at least outside of New England. Probably not a huge market for beer-drinking Red Sox fans in Utah!

    Belle: You love calling me Daddy, and you know it. (And I second the request for hangover cures … although I’m not planning on needing any again for the foreseeable future.)

    Marcie: Shhhhh: I didn’t fully understand the “buy” versus “rent” thing either. Glad to hear your husband dug the beer story. If my adoring public enjoys reading about my drunken escapades, then, dammit, I guess I’ll just have to have more of ’em.

    dimberly: Is that kind of like having your own live-in sommelier?
    And Schlafly’s Pumpkin Ale, you say? Might hafta find me some o’ that next fall.

    ALL: Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂

  7. Posted January 14, 2009 at 11:41 am | Permalink

    OMG people! i just read this again. The reason you “rent” beer instead of “buying” beer is that you end up PEEING IT ALL OUT.


    Am I the ONLY PERSON in this world who does this?

  8. Posted January 14, 2009 at 5:38 pm | Permalink

    Lorrie: Thanks for clearing that up. 😉

  9. Posted February 23, 2009 at 12:45 pm | Permalink

    OMG, you are so funny. I just found you on The Pioneer Woman today, and had to check out what ‘Daddy” was scratchin, ( I assume now, after reading, that it must be your head, or at least that’s what I’m hopin, but you are a man)… LOL
    Anyway, I feel like I can post on your site with-out having to be, ummm, ‘proper’ lol, it should be fun!!

    Just sayin hi, and no, I don’t believe being the lightweight that I am that I will be tryin your Monsta beer anytime soon, thanks for the warning, I think I’ll stick with my Cheladas…

    Aliya :O) nice meetin you

    • Posted February 25, 2009 at 11:25 pm | Permalink

      Aliya: Thanks for the compliment. And, yes, being “proper” is not required here.
      Nice meeting you too. 🙂

  10. Linda M.
    Posted April 5, 2009 at 1:20 pm | Permalink

    I realize,that I’m rather late with my comment, but I’ve been reading you for awhile since I laughed out loud (something a retired Bartender of 30 yrs.doesn’t do very often……OK not at all, I’ve heard AND seen it all) at a comment you left on Pioneer Woman. I must confess,too,that I’ve even sent some of your posts to my sons to enjoy. I had to laugh at this one in particular with your “math”& your theory of being shitfaced. It worked for me….but there are Many reasons that one gets shitfaced at diffrent times, mostly,due to your body & mind at the time.I love saying “shitfaced”! It brings back such fond memories of my beloved customer ( and friend), an 86 year old woman who was no taller than 5 ft. She lived next door to the bar & one day she looked me in the face after her usual 4 scotches & asked if I could walk her home.When I asked her why she replied, “because I’m shitfaced that’s why” I’ll never hear or say that without thinking of Berniece. God rest her soul. Thanks for the memories AND the laughs!
    A Big fan…….

  11. Posted October 14, 2009 at 12:08 am | Permalink

    I really needed to find your blog tonight! I am having a great time catching up on your life and your stories… This one here was def a good one. My husband and I call ourselves beer connoisseurs. We are always looking for that good beer and picking up micro-brewed beer when we can… Then Wegmas just opened in our area, so we are knocking out the beer one by one… I just came home with a beer by Heavy Seas called Holy Sheet… Apparently that is what you say when you realize the alcohol content is 9%…
    Thanks for keeping me laughing 🙂
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..Daddy Scratches =-.

  12. kate
    Posted January 17, 2010 at 12:35 am | Permalink

    I am sooo glad I found this wonderful post. I had a similar experience with Green Monsta, and was wondering how the hell I got so drunk so fast. I love a good ale, but this one knocked me on my ass, and I was really interested to find out just how much alcohol it contains. Mission accomplished, anecdotes enjoyed. Thanks dude. It really was a joy to read this hilarious post and all the comments so far. This particular brand of beer is one I will be enjoying again, albeit much more cautiously in the future. Cheers!

  13. Posted May 20, 2010 at 7:40 pm | Permalink

    Wow that is really funny, but I havebeen there. I don’t remember the specific beer it was, but I know I never drink a new beer without checking the alcohol level. Another peace of advice, if you are in a different country the alcohol levels are sometimes different too. In Canada, the beer is stronger, even the same brands.

    Jim the electric car kit guy.
    .-= Jim the “Electirc Car Kit” Guy´s last blog ..New Teachers Kit – The Ultimate Survival Kit For Graduating Teachers. =-.

  14. Posted May 2, 2011 at 7:20 pm | Permalink

    I’m getting accidentally drunk right now, as I read this….
    Jennifer June´s most recent blog post: Bin Laden Dead – Harper Under Fire – Where are my goatsMy Profile

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