In the midst of all the excitement and most-welcome history-making that has taken place this week, I saw a little more of my son’s innocence slip away, and I’m grappling with how to feel about it.
Zan brought home from kindergarten a few days ago a picture he drew of Martin Luther King Jr. standing at a podium giving his “I Have a Dream” speech, something his teacher had shown the students on the classroom’s SMART Board (which so kicks the ass of those antiquated old chalkboards we had as kids—you know, back in the late 1900s … and, hey, I think I just broke my hip).
“Daddy, he was giving a speech because he wanted people with brown skin to be treated fairly,” he said. “Because, you know what? There used to be signs at places that said ‘Whites Only.’ And people with brown skin couldn’t go inside.”
Hearing him say it felt like a punch in the stomach. Yes, it’s an important part of history, particularly in light of yesterday’s Presidential Inauguration, but I didn’t necessarily want my 5-year-old son knowing just yet that something as despicable as segregation happened in this country, and that something as horrific as slavery was here before that.
I didn’t want him to have any reason to think that having a different color skin meant anything more than just having a different color skin.
Prior to his newly acquired knowledge of racism, the only thought Zan had about brown skin was—and, thankfully, it seems, still is—limited to the fact that he really likes the way it looks. When we play his Nintendo DS baseball game together, he insists on manning the controls whenever a player with brown skin is at bat. (I get stuck with whitey every time. Just once, I wanna be Big Papi, dammit.)
And speaking of baseball: because we live in such a ridiculously lilly-white suburb, most of Zan’s exposure to people with brown skin has come via watching the Red Sox. I recall him saying to me on more than one occasion while watching a game, “He has brown skin, Daddy.”
One of the first times he said it, I remember thinking for a split second, “Jeez, it would be kind of awkward if he blurted that out in public when he saw a person with brown skin.” And before that thought had time to fully form, it was squashed by the realization that it would be absolutely fine if he said that in public … because there would be no judgement or baggage or negative connotation of any kind attached to the statement. He would be a little kid making an observation—a little kid whose thought process in the matter would have nothing to do with inequality.
Now, however, the seed has been planted in his head to have other thoughts when he sees someone with brown skin … none of which, I am sure, would contain any judgement or malice on his part, but, nonetheless, thoughts that would stem from the knowledge that black people often have been treated very poorly in this country.
And yet, as unhappy as I am about my son being exposed to such a lofty and terrible subject at such a young age, there is something unbelievably comforting about the fact that, on the very next school day after seeing Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream Speech” and learning for the first time about racism, Zan saw a black man become the President of the United States.
12 Comments
There are many things wrong with Britain, but oh-so may things right.
Having just been appointed the most non-racist nation in Europe, I am proud to report that my own kids do not have a racist bone in their body.
People are people to them.
We had to deal with this issue at an earlier age because I am hispanic and my husband is half white, half black. So…our children are obviously…green.
As soon as my daughter entered pre-school she noticed that her skin was different. And while I didn’t get the sense than anyone was pointing it out to her, she was clearly surveying her surroundings in order to fit in and noticed a big difference.
It was a tough issue to tackle and I probably did a horrible job because I was so un-prepared but I told her she had dark skin because mommy and daddy have dark skin and she may not look like anyone at school but that’s okay because that makes her special. Not bad for pulling out of my ass, eh?
I get goose bumps every time I consider that we as a nation have “overcome” enough that our children will not as much suffer the burdens of racism. Because it’s been a chain around our ankles and just think how far they can run without it holding them back!
I am a 2nd year kindergarten teacher, and I had a very hard time deciding what and how to tell my students about Martin Luther King, Jr. Last year, I skipped it entirely, and let the day go unmentioned. I didn’t want to be the one to introduce racism to children who are completely oblivious to it. This year, I placed the MLK Day holiday marker on the calendar in our classroom, and waited for them to ask. When they did, I simply told them that not that long ago, people in our country didn’t treat each other very nicely, or very fairly, and some people had to follow different rules than other people. I said that Martin Luther King, Jr. believed that everyone should treat each other kindly and with respect and that everyone should have the same rules and opportunities. I told them that he, and a lot of people who agreed with him, worked very hard to make that change, and now every citizen of our country has the same rights as everyone else. They “get” being fair about enforcing rules, so it worked. Do they have any real understanding of who MLK was, or what he did? No. Is it a vast oversimplification? Yes. But I don’t have to feel guilty for taking away their innocence about race, either.
Belle: Nice to hear. And that is as it should be.
Licha: Sounds like you did a more than adequate job of explaining things to your daughter. Feels good to get it right once in a while, doesn’t it?
MG: I wish my son’s kindergarten teacher had taken that route!
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Thanks, all, for sharing.
My kids too, have always called non-white people “brown people.” No discrimination between latino, asian, etc. It has ONLY been about the color of their skin, never about race.
We used to live in a very diverse area. Moved a few years ago to a not-so-diverse place. Obviously the kids noticed, and their only comment is that the restaurants aren’t as good, LOL!
Pam: So you’re in the Lone Star state, eh? In what locale is the more diverse area where you used to live?
I’m a Euro in the US bringing up two sons. We are pale as death:) My 9 yr old came home from school with full blow by blow of the civil rights movement. What blew his mind was that firefighters put hoses on protesters. Firefighters!!!!, you know, the good guys. The whites only blew his mind too. What the heck was wrong with them???I don’t think he ever thought about color before. I told him that America is always improving. Bad things happened in the past, we learned from them and we improve. That worked a treat. It also fit right in on Inauguration day.
My 4 yr old came home telling me “Martin Looser King was shooted because people didn’t want to be fair. But it was good because he probably wanted to rest”. I said “I think he would prefer to be alive” but the 4 yr old said “well he was very tired, he’d been to the top of the mountain”.
Right…..
km: Yeah, I think it’s an issue that we really don’t need to be teaching children about until they’re significantly mature enough to understand and process what it is they’re being told. Thanks for the thoughtful comment.
hey. i have been creeping around your blog for a while and wanted to tune in. i think that not wanting to tell children about racism is a rather privileged viewpoint. it strikes me that only a privileged white person would even have the option of telling their child about the realities of racism or not. people of color to not have this option. i firmly believe that knowledge and awareness are pivotal if we are going to end racism. it is white people’s job to educate others about racism. kids around 6 or 7 are totally equipped to handle this information. it is so sad that american history is so ugly, but our kids deserve to know it too. so they can make better choices in the future.
“i think that not wanting to tell children about racism is a rather privileged viewpoint. it strikes me that only a privileged white person would even have the option of telling their child about the realities of racism or not.”
You’re entitled to your opinion. I don’t agree. I think not wanting to teach a kindergarten student about racism has nothing to do with being a “privileged white person”; it has to do with not wanting to give my child a reason to judge people. (And if living in an area where my child isn’t subjected to actual racism in his or her daily life means I’m a “privileged white person,” so be it. Not wanting to poison my child’s head with the concept of racism at such a young age has nothing to do with me wanting my child to be a “privileged white person”; it has to do with me wanting him or her to live, for as long as possible, in a world where something as despicable as racism doesn’t even exist, and where, as far as they know, being white doesn’t inherently entitle them to “privilege.”)
“kids around 6 or 7 are totally equipped to handle this information.”
I disagree; they don’t have anywhere near enough perspective to fully comprehend such a lofty concept.
“it is so sad that american history is so ugly, but our kids deserve to know it too. so they can make better choices in the future.”
5-/6-/7-year old kids are in no way mature enough to take a concept like racism and use that information to “make better choices in the future.” When they are older, then, yes, they deserve to know it. Meanwhile, I’d rather have my child spend as much time as possible growing up in a world where skin color doesn’t matter and all people are equal; the more time they live with that as their reality, the more the concept of “racism” will seem outrageous and illogical and repugnant whenever it is introduced to them … which, I would argue, should be much later than kindergarten.
I like the way that MG handled MLK day. My daughter noticed early on that there are people of other colors…she was TERRIFIED of this big guy at the store one day, I couldnt figure it out…shed never seen an african american before was my first thought..because my husbands a big guy..and this guy wasnt much bigger…she said mama..he needs a bath! hes covered in chocolate!! that big man laughed so hard he dropped the 2 50lb bags of dog food he was holding. then he bought emily a chocolate bar lol we live in texas, and yes, we are surrounded by all different skin colors…and my daughter rarely, if ever notices.
then again..shes 3. lol its all about someone to talk to who will listen to her right now 
coz mommy pretends to hit her mute button a LOT 
My mother (86) grew up ‘passing’ as white in an Oklahoma that was as prejudiced to Indians as it was to blacks. She is very racist-she won’t visit my home because she saw black people out in their yard the first time we drove by after we bought it.
I have a charmed family life in the fact that the family I married into is a family I really fit into–my mother-in-law and I get along better that me and my mother do. And a while ago my lovely brother-in-law married a beautiful black woman. And I have two dashingly handsome nephews and a lovely, beautiful (and ruler of the house) niece. I make sure I show my mother all the photos D and L send of the three children so she knows how happy I am….