Internet, are you ready for Christmas in January? Because the weekend forecast here at Casa de Scratches calls for a blizzard of—no, an avalanche of—no, wait, a tsunami of material for this blog.

What would you say if I told you that Wonder Woman was headed out of town this weekend for a girls’ trip to Atlantic City? That’s right: she’s leavin’ on a jet plane … and that means I will be home alone with the kids for the entire weekend.

“But that’s not all! Jon, tell the readers what else they’ll be getting!”

The recently pukey Ms. Jayna? She’s now got a brutal cold. Sore throat, cough, stuffy nose, cranky, whiny, quick to tears—just about every time she opens her mouth right now, I immediately feel a sonic butcher knife plunge into the center of my chest.

And the cold? It’s keeping her up most of the night, each cough bringing on a jerk-you-awake-with-a-parental-adrenaline-rush wave of whining and crying. And since Wonder Woman also has the same cold, I slept on the couch last night with Jayna’s baby monitor at my side … so I’m already light one night’s sleep as we head into The Greatest Weekend Ever.

“But wait! There’s more!”

Just now, as I was in the midst of writing this little teaser for y’all, Wonder Woman, who was putting Zan to bed, came into my office and said, “I don’t even want to tell you what he just said to me … but let’s just say that we might not have seen the last of The Bowl.”

Are you shittin’ me?

And now that she mentions it, I’m not sure I’m feeling 100% myself, either. One need not be Jimmy the Greek to know that, considering all three of them apparently are sick, the odds of me succumbing to something over the course of the next 24-to-48 hours are only slightly smaller than the odds of Zan blowing an absolute motherf’n gasket when Mommy leaves the house for an entire weekend.

Of course, as the makers of “24″ well know, nothing kicks up the drama like a race against the clock … and, fortunately for you, there will, in fact, be one ticking in the background this weekend, because today? Today I was offered $600 to code an HTML newsletter for a client—but it has to be completed by Monday. And since the promise of a $600 cash infusion for the Scratches family right now sounds roughly the same as $1 bazillion cash infusion, you can bet your sweet ass I’m gonna crank that puppy out.

Tick-BOOM tick-BOOM tick-BOOM tick-BOOM. (That’s the best I could come up with for simulating in writing the sound of the “24″ clock. Work with me, OK?)

So, yeah … you have a nice weekend, and I will report back to you soon—assuming I survive this clusterfuck.

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