Another mouth to feed

I can’t believe I forgot to introduce you all to the newest member of the family! Where are my manners?

Baby Alive Tink & Poops, a.k.a. The You've Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me Doll

This little bundle of joy is Baby Alive Tink & Poops. No, that’s not her real name, but that is what Jayna has been calling her since, like, a year ago when she first saw the commercial. As you can probably surmise, the “Tink & Poops” part means she not only urinates—which is just so yesteryear—but she also defecates. And if there is one thing we need around here, it is a fake baby who shits herself.

But she is all Jayna wanted for Christmas, so Santa came through, and Jayna, well, she was beyond excited when on Christmas morning she found her new baby under the tree.

“What are you going to name her?” we asked.

“Baby Alive Tink & Poops,” she replied.

“But don’t you want to give her a pretty name, like Stephanie or Rebecca or something?”

“No.”

“You’re just going to call her Baby Alive Tink & Poops?”

“Yes.”

And she meant it. It’s February, and blondie here remains known only as Baby Alive Tink & Poops.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, though: I have my own special pet name for her, which I’ve not yet shared with anyone. I like to call her the You’ve Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me Doll.

Because, look, I have a sense of humor, OK? I can take a joke. But this little bug-eyed brat? She pushes it way too far.

As if the tinking and the pooping weren’t enough, missy here also talks. So, the first time she announced that she was hungry, well, Mommy and Jayna whipped up a delicious bowl of green glop made from the special powder that came with BATP, and Jayna then shoved it down BATP’s gullet.

A short while later, of course, BATP announced that she needed to go potty. Ever the attentive mother, Jayna sprang into action, removing BATP’s diaper and sitting her on the potty so that she could evacuate the green slop from her plastic rectum, and is it really necessary to make a doll that shits? I mean, come on, really? Isn’t the peeing enough?

So, OK, she pooped, and how exciting, look, there’s green feaux-poop in the potty.

A couple days after BATP’s inaugural eating-and-pooping session, I was in the playroom with the kids when BATP announced that she had to go potty. Jayna looked at her from across the room, then continued playing with Zan and I.

“Hurry, Mommy, hurry!” BATP begged.

“Aren’t you going to go help her?” I asked Jayna, who shook her head “No” with a guilty look on her face.

“Hurry! Hurry!” BATP continued, but to no avail. Apparently, Jayna had already gotten her fill of motherhood.

“Uh-oh. I made a stinky,” BATP announced, and she sounded just a little too cutesy about it—as if she knew that the child who was supposed to be responsible for making sure she didn’t unload in her pants was no longer interested in handling that task, and responsibility for the matter would now rest with that child’s parents. The joke was on her, though, because, after years of changing poop-filled diapers for my long-ago-potty-trained kids, there was not a chance in hell I was going to start doing it for a doll. Stew in it, buttercup, ’cause I got nothin’ for ya.

But, a day or two later, BATP still had not been tended to, and because I am incredibly anal, I could no longer deal with her slop-covered, feaux-feces-ridden presence, so I took her upstairs, stripped her down and gave her an enema to get all of the dried and coagulated slime out of her digestive tract. I then suggested to Jayna that we stick with giving her water, but no more food.

Jayna relayed this information to Wonder Woman later in the day by saying that she didn’t want to feed BATP food anymore, because “it’s yucky.” Wonder Woman, however—who does not share my anal-retentive/OCD-ish neurosis—knew that any suggestion of taking the pooping out of Baby Tink & Poops’ job description must have originated with me, and quickly assured Jayna that she could forget about what silly Mr. No-Fun Daddy had said; the feeding and the pooping could continue.

OK, fine. I could deal with that, because the rule book says: “She who rescinds a declaration issued by Daddy subsequently is responsible for the aftermath of the rescinding.” BATP would now be Mommy’s problem.

But here’s the part where BATP really earned the honor of being dubbed the You’ve Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me Doll: Wonder Woman and the kids returned home from running errands the other day, and among the things they had purchased while out was a fresh supply of “food” and diapers for BATP.

Now, firstly, fuck that noise. Plus, also, no fucking way. Like I said: I have a sense of humor, but I am not working for The Man so that we can keep Ms. Shit & Piss well-fed and diapered. Helllllllll no. (Oh, and a special memo to the toy-company assclown who thought up this little scam: You suck.)

Fortunately, BATP has since been mostly forgotten, and has been sitting in the position and manner shown above for days—and, as far as I’m concerned, she can wallow in dried green goo until the house crumbles down around her, because to bring her upstairs and clean her would be to remind Jayna of her existence, thereby starting up the whole cycle again.

Of course, BATP might have a new lease on life nonetheless, because, among the dirty dishes I cleaned last night, I discovered this:

Baby Alive's food

(And, no, doing dishes for a fake baby who fake shits herself doesn’t feel the least bit ridiculous, why would you think that?)

So it looks like Mommy might be getting ready to resuscitate her—which is fine … as long as she starts wearing cloth diapers and eating like a flea. For I am the Lord of the Manor here, and there will be no more of this buying-food-and-diapers-for-a-doll nonsense on my watch.

It feels good to say shit like that previous sentence … because it allows me to pretend for a second that there’s some truth behind the words.

There isn’t.

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40 Comments

  1. Frannie
    Posted February 3, 2009 at 5:28 pm | Permalink

    Oh my God, you are such a funny man! I’m seriously laughing out loud and I love your blog.

  2. Milissa
    Posted February 3, 2009 at 7:32 pm | Permalink

    I started smiling after the first few sentences, but after “And if there is one thing we need around here, it is a fake baby who shits herself” I didn’t stop guffawing. And guffawing is seriously good.

  3. Posted February 3, 2009 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for the heads up. We will forever avoid the babydoll aisle from now on, as that will NOT enter my house, I wipe enough ass each day. Ick.

  4. Posted February 3, 2009 at 8:05 pm | Permalink

    “Stew in it, buttercup, ’cause I got nothin’ for ya.”
    I wish you could hear my ridiculous, obnoxiously loud laugh.
    You are now at the top of my favorites list, sir.

  5. Posted February 3, 2009 at 8:29 pm | Permalink

    I too made awkward laughing noises as I read this!!!

  6. Posted February 3, 2009 at 11:22 pm | Permalink

    That doesn’t sound like a toy but a responsibility and as a single man who doesn’t like responsibility I’d have to say “no way!” I recently returned a friends dog to his parents because I couldn’t dog sit for him because his dog shed too much – at least she was potty trained so i didn’t have to clean up her crap.

  7. Posted February 4, 2009 at 5:44 am | Permalink

    I feel sorry for Dora who has obviously been caste aside in favour of the Blonde. That IS Dora lying there isn’t it?

  8. Posted February 4, 2009 at 7:48 am | Permalink

    Hey it could be worse. Jayna could have picked the newest improved baby Alive. She tinks and poops but she also VOMITS and SNEEZES PROJECTILE SNOT!

    Oh she’s a hoot that one!

  9. Posted February 4, 2009 at 9:13 am | Permalink

    Frannie: Thank you for causing me to think more highly of myself than I already did. (But seriously: Thank you for the compliment. It means a lot to me.)

    Milissa: See message to Frannie; ditto.

    Jessica: Oh, c’mon; you can never do enough ass-wiping.

    Lindsay: I’m flattered to have risen to the top of your favorites, and I, too, wish I could hear your ridiculously, obnoxiously loud laugh; not a lot of auditory feedback to be had from this blogging thing.

    Brooke: How ’bout you and Lindsay book some recording-studio time, bring your laptops, read my site and send me an album of your laughter?

    Eddeaux: This from the man who wrote “Marry Me … 101 Reason”? Hmmm. I take it “… and as a single man who doesn’t like responsibility …” didn’t make it into the Top 101?

    Belle Bamford: Good eye, Belle. Actually, that is Dora’s baby sister … who Jayna lovingly refers to as “Girl Baby.” She has a brother, “Boy Baby.” Are you seeing a trend here? I think my daughter is a bit too literal.

    Licha: Ick.

  10. Posted February 4, 2009 at 10:40 am | Permalink

    you rock, and are hysterical. thank you for that this morning!

  11. Posted February 4, 2009 at 12:27 pm | Permalink

    Found your blog through a comment to BOSSY. So glad I did–thanks for the laughs! I never liked dolls as a kid, and hated the one that peed. This pooping doll would’ve totally freaked me out.

    Could you send some snow to DC? We haven’t had a good snow in a LONG time–we get “dustings” and freezing rain. Yuck.

  12. Posted February 4, 2009 at 6:16 pm | Permalink

    OMG! That entry had the tears rolling down my face. Did you know
    that you can also buy little pets for dolls that come with their own fake poop and scooper accoutrements?

    http://thepioneerwoman.com/2006/12/tanner_the_barb.html

    Please, keep us laughing in the midst of all this New England snow!

  13. Melanie
    Posted February 4, 2009 at 7:19 pm | Permalink

    Your blog is my favorite new find! Between you making me giggle and Jon Lester turning up for camp a week early, I may just survive this winter…

  14. Posted February 4, 2009 at 9:02 pm | Permalink

    You may look back and wish you hadn’t suggested that. Just wait…!

  15. reen
    Posted February 5, 2009 at 2:50 pm | Permalink

    HAHAHA! They still make these?? I had a Baby Alive as a child and remember the green glop well (and so, I’m sure, does my poor mother). What a riot. But…what have they done with her face?! It’s giving me the creeps!

  16. Posted February 5, 2009 at 9:16 pm | Permalink

    Fantastic post DS ^_^

  17. Posted February 5, 2009 at 11:08 pm | Permalink

    Ali: I rock and I’m hysterical? My head’s never going to fit through this office door …

    Val: Glad you’re enjoying my writing. And I will happily send all future snowstorms your way; I’ve had enough!

    Meg: How ’bout we all just agree to put a moratorium on poop toys of any kind, mkay?

    Melanie: To be mentioned alongside Jon Lester as one of the two things helping you survive this brutal winter is an honor indeed. Thank you

    Lindsay: Bring it.

    reen: There’s very little about this doll that isn’t creepy.

    Maelstrom: Thanks, dude.

  18. Julie
    Posted February 7, 2009 at 10:34 pm | Permalink

    OMG!!!! I laughed so hard I’m wheezing! You are the funniest guy in my world!!

  19. Posted February 10, 2009 at 9:52 am | Permalink

    Thank you for starting off my day with a good laugh!!!

  20. Posted February 11, 2009 at 12:20 am | Permalink

    Julie: Thanks for making my night.

    Calamity Anne: My pleasure. Thanks for letting me know it gave you a good laugh.

  21. Posted February 17, 2009 at 8:51 pm | Permalink

    We got this doll for my daughter’s 4th birthday in November that’s all she wanted so we gave in and spent $50 on this silly doll. She played with the doll all day until it pooped on her lap and the poor doll hasn’t seen day light since Nov. 28! This post was a good laugh! I found your blog through thepioneerwoman.com, you are one funny guy!

  22. Posted April 26, 2009 at 3:18 pm | Permalink

    Wow.. never thought they could improve this doll – now it talks!? I had 2 Baby Alive dolls as a little girl. I feel so sorry for my parents after reading your post!

  23. Laurie
    Posted July 3, 2009 at 3:37 am | Permalink

    I so could have told you to steer clear of Baby Alive. Not only is she freakish looking with those huge alien-like bug eyes, but she poops and she will giet boring and start smelling to high heaven if you don’t give her a thorough enema after each “movement.” As a child I swore I would never get a Baby Alive for my kids. I’m sticking to my guns too. That doll is nothing more than a smelly money trap. However, I really enjoyed your post. I laughed and laughed. It was especially funny remembering my own Baby Alive. I wound up throwing that thing in the trash. But at least she was normal looking. This new one is ETish and freaking looking. I say put her in the very back of the closet – wrapped in an old towel, inside a trashbag, shoved in a shoebox (okay bootbox) BEHIND the toybox. Make sur everything she came with is hidden with her.

  24. Posted September 16, 2009 at 4:46 pm | Permalink

    Found you via Pioneer Woman.

    This post was funny up until the “I took her upstairs, stripped her down and gave her an enema” line. Then it became spit-take hilarious.

    Have read a number of your stories and have been laughing the whole time. Thanks for keeping me from my work. Consider yourself bookmarked.
    .-= Dave´s last blog ..Another Month. Another Post =-.

  25. Ginger
    Posted December 8, 2009 at 9:19 pm | Permalink

    Oh yeah… I remember those days.. .Just wait till your real baby girl brings home the first boyfriend… I can’t wait to read that post.

  26. Julie
    Posted December 15, 2009 at 4:13 pm | Permalink

    This is still the funniest blog post I have EVER read ANYwhere. I reread it when I need a good hard-laugh-til-I-cry/wheeze. Although I don’t comment everytime;)
    Merry Christmas to you and your beautiful family.

  27. Posted December 15, 2009 at 9:12 pm | Permalink

    Thank you, Julie. :) Same to you.

  28. Katie
    Posted January 6, 2010 at 10:42 am | Permalink

    Stumbled onto your site from the Dooce community. This post is hilarious! Thank God I have sons! The worst thing I have to deal with is oversize, phallic, Lego Star Wars contraptions.

  29. Posted January 9, 2010 at 1:08 am | Permalink

    Oh God (hahahahahhahaha)
    I can’t wait to pop out kids of my own…
    …or can I? :)
    .-= Gina´s last blog ..2009’s top twelve (January-June) =-.

  30. Mary
    Posted July 26, 2010 at 10:23 am | Permalink

    Found your website through a comment on Dooce, and started reading straight from the beginning. This post was absolutely hilarious. As the mother of a 1 year old boy, I had always envisioned that my life would be complete if our next child was a girl: the american dream, right? After reading this, I’m ready to pop out boy after boy after boy! I’ll take rock throwing, toy climbing and frog eating over doll shit anyday!!

  31. Cassie
    Posted December 9, 2010 at 5:55 pm | Permalink

    I saw your blog on a friend of a friend’s Facebook profile. This is my first read, but sooooo funny!! Love it!

  32. Posted January 8, 2011 at 6:44 am | Permalink

    Hilarious! I just recently discovered your blog and am
    thoroughly enjoying it- for realz. Pure awesomeness!

  33. paola
    Posted February 9, 2011 at 12:18 am | Permalink

    I come over from pioneer woman’s site.You are hilarious.Will certainly be checking in once in a while.

  34. Mary
    Posted March 27, 2011 at 6:22 pm | Permalink

    Holy Shit!
    Just found you from PW. This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever read. I cannot BELIEVE that such a doll exists. GROSS. Yet another reason to hold off on procreation. Now, I’m going to spend an obscene amount of time peeing myself silly reading your blog.

  35. Posted April 6, 2012 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

    Holy crap, I just about spewed water all over my desk at work. I refuse to buy my girls anything that does anything life-like… move, eat, pee, poop, and for God’s sake why are there doll’s that breathe?
    Jennifer´s most recent blog post: Weekend PlansMy Profile

  36. HitorMiss
    Posted July 23, 2013 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

    OMG, you are the funniest guy on the planet! Looove your blog. I’m telling all my friends about you, too. Keep up the fantastic writing!

  37. Amanda
    Posted December 11, 2013 at 4:10 pm | Permalink

    I LOVE this post!!! Whenever I’m having a bad day, I read this. So thank you for making my afternoon better. You are one hilarious dude! I miss your posts! Please come back!! Oh Oh and my favorite player of alllll time just signed with your Sox! Wooo Hoooo! Wrong color though. lol. But I’ll take it! –Amanda– Chicago, IL

  38. aspie
    Posted February 28, 2014 at 4:24 pm | Permalink

    so i was just browsing and came across this on google, and speaking as a autistic geek, you realy should learn to potty train an incontinent doll.

    Step 1) Get a 20 packs of super glue.
    Step 2) Empty the super glue in to heat proof container.
    Step 3) Heat super glue slowly till liquid.
    Step 4) Pour super glue into large syringe.
    Step 5) Inject super glue in to dolls butt.
    Step 6) Inject small amount of super glue in to dolls mouth.
    Step 7) Leave to cool.
    Step 8) Go celebrate not having to change any more diapers.

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