Wonder Woman and I saw “Wolverine” this weekend, and immediately upon leaving the theater, I went and got myself outfitted with the latest and greatest in parenting equipment: adamantium claws.
Yes, it hurt like a bitch having these puppies installed in my forearms, but the pain seems rather worth it, because now, when the kids hear the dual SNIKT-SNIKT sound of me unleashing two sets of big-ass claws and see these long, shiny blades come shooting out of my hands … well, let’s just say that they get their shit together in a hurry.
“Zan, time to brush your teeth before bed.”
“But Daddy, I don’t wanna brush my teeeeeeeeeeeeth! I’m too tiiiirreed!”
“C’mon, Zan; we brush our teeth before bed. This isn’t a new thing. We’ve been doing it every night for five years now. Just do as I ask.”
“Noooo! I will NEVER brush my teeth! You’re the Worst Daddy in the World!”
“Oh yeah? You want I should show you what the Worst Daddy in the World really looks like?”
SNIKT-SNIKT
“Daddy, I suddenly crave toothpaste! My most humble apologies. You are the Best Daddy in the World! Please don’t filet me!”
Works every time.
And sometimes it’s fun to do a little more than just show off the claws. Always good to demonstrate their effectiveness every once in a while, just so the young’uns know they’re quite functional.
For example, Jayna? She keeps waking up well before 6 a.m., and then proceeds to wake everyone in the house by calling out for Mommy, or singing, or reciting the alphabet, or whining unintelligibly and ad nauseum. And we keep begging and begging her to try to go back to sleep—or at least to remain quiet—until 6 o’clock. We’ve even made it a no-brainer for her to know when it finally is 6 o’clock by placing in her room a Good Nite Light, which, at 6 a.m., becomes an illuminated, smiling sun.
The Good Nite Light’s manufacturer bills the device as a “behavioral modification night light.” Well, so far, the light hasn’t modified the behavior … but I’ll tell you what has:
This morning, Jayna apparently was feeling out of sorts, and began the waking and the whining at around 4:30. I was less than thrilled about this development, so I rose from bed and went up to her room, whereupon I asked her what the problem was. She grunted and moaned and whined and acted generally huffy and irritable, and when I told her it was the middle of the night and that she had to quiet down and go back to sleep, she kicked it up a couple of notches.
“Jayna, you need to be quiet and go back to sleep.”
“NO!” [whiiiiine-crrrryyyyy]
“Jayna, I do not want you to wake up Mommy or Zan. Now stop making all that noise.”
“NOOOooo!” [whiiiine-crryyyyy]
SNIKT-SNIKT
To ensure proper “behavioral modification” took place, I then plunged my just-unsheathed claws into the mattress on either side of her head. Worked like a charm; she clamped her mouth shut tightly and barely made a whimper until her “behavioral modification night light” was illuminated. Sure, she was trembling in fear for that entire 90-minute period, and I now have to replace the mattress—but, hey, whatever it takes to modify the unwanted behavior. Plus, look: having adamantium claws built and surgically installed doesn’t come cheap, and I sure as hell plan to get my money’s worth outta these bad boys.
As if their usefulness around the house didn’t make them enough of a worthwhile investment, you should have seen how handy they were at last night’s tee-ball game. When those little bastards refused to pay attention, and wouldn’t stop digging up the dirt on the diamond, and kept ignoring my instructions to not swarm every ball that was hit and not create a pigpile in the infield as they fought over possession, I knew just what to do.
“OK, team meeting. Bring it in, guys.” The boys clustered in front of me. “Alright, listen up: you guys seem to be having some trouble following my directions tonight, so I just want to make sure I have your attention.”
SNIKT-SNIKT
Their eyes widened, and one of them started to cry.
“Stop crying,” I said. “There’s no crying in baseball.”
He didn’t listen.
SLASH-SLASH
His parents seemed a little upset that I had shredded the front of his jersey, and were all “You could have killed him, you maniac!!”
“I know what I’m doing,” I told them. “Look, see? Not a scratch on him. I just wanted to modify his behavior.”
Despite my assurances, they still whisked their child away, but the other parents … well, they all looked a bit frightened, and kept their distance … which was fine with me. And the kids? They were positively delightful for the rest of the game.
Yessiree, I’ll tell you what: If you’re having disciplinary problems at home or on the field, you simply must get yourself a set of these sweet-ass claws.
Daddy Scratches is a father of two and author of the forthcoming book “Clawing My Way to the Top: Parenting Tips from The Best Daddy in the World.”
[P.S.: Here's a link to the original version of the doctored photo shown above ... you know, not that I look that much different in real life, but, um ... just for the sake of full disclosure.]
28 Comments
Fear, the great motivator. I can’t wait to have kids so I can use the notes I take from your blog and really mess them up.
This is hilarious. I’m thinking about continously carrying around a bottle of 151 and a lighter so that I can breathe fire at my leisure. “You left your legos on the floor? That’s too bad, they are ashes now.” “Whats that, you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning honey? Oh that’s ok because I forgot to not breathe fire all over your tool shed. Whoops!” Priceless.
My DH, the ten year old heathen (aka good kid) and I will have to check out the new movie.
Thanks for being so hilarious, it really gives my day a bright spot.
I snorted diet dr pepper all over my keyboard when that pic came up. Good use of Photoshop – or maybe you are Hugh Jackman’s evil twin???
Niiiiiice … I gotta get me some of those. My oldest two wouldn’t know what hit them, er, scatched them (4.5 and 2.5 years old).
You must be having a tough day, to get so realistically creative
See, you are an awesome dad! I love the photo!!
OMG! This is an awesome post and I love the picture! I really need to take a photoshop class. I can’t wait to see the movie.
I actually thought you might have been working out. Great photo shop.
Jayna’s therapy will be too expensive if you don’t lay off the Wolverine claws…
Obedience by intimidation. Works every time. Next time a machine breaks, try repair by intimidation. Works for me.
The picture basically made my entire life better. I love the cowering children at your feet… really drives home the point. Pun completely intended.
Very cool indeed.
I think you need to start giving Photoshop lessons!
Wonder if those claws will work on engineers….
That is hilarious! What a way with words you have. I can’t wait to see that movie. Heard it is awesome.
I have a 12-1/2 year old that could use some of your Behavior Modification methods – mind if I send him over? ;o)
http://centralturk.blogspot.com/
I found you recently (through a response you left on dooce.com) and devoured your site in days. I love your writing and sense of humor. One complaint… you don’t write often enough. I realize you do have a family to raise and work to be done but could you indulge me a little more often? Also, you have a beautiful wife. Her eyes and that skin, BEAUTIFUL!
So anyways, about this post, I LOVE the picture. I had to look at it a few times. I was thinking damn, he’s really ripped then dummy me realized it was photoshopped! I guess you can never believe what you see in a picture anymore.
My four children are 21 to 27 years old. I could use a set of those claws on my 22 year old that is still living with me. I am so ready for him to move out that I’m constantly nagging him. I may not have the claws but I’m sure he can see the horns on my head. I can be evil at times but dammit, I’ve raised them, it’s MY turn now.
I feel your pain re: Jayne’s early rising. Mine has never ever slept past 6:30 and in the spring/summer boy she is up with the birds.
Up early, bed early. My mom used to put me to bed when it was still light out so you could see the sun around the pull down shades.
Laughing to tears over here, both at your post and at Leah’s comment!
Wow, talk about Nine Inch Nails!
I don’t know if I can afford the adamantium claws, but I will invest in the aluminum foil ones just to have the threat available !! Great Idea !!!
You Sir, are no Hugh Jackman…but not bad…LOL
Totally hilarious post.
LMAO. You are such a badass =D!
Just discovered your blog yesterday, and I LOVE your sense of humor and writing. I hope you write more by the day ^_^
Wow, excellent Photoshop work. I seriously thought you were that ripped!
Suggestion: make that photo poster sized for each child’s room. Guaranteed to keep them quaking under the blankets til’ at least dawn!
MWA-HAHA! Now THAT is a book I’d consider buying – whenever I get around to that whole parenting thing. Thus far, my mechanical children (my two motorcycles) are quite adequate as they are very obedient, and do not poop or puke. I do think this is one of my favorite photo-shopped pic I’ve seen in quite some time. Thanks for the entertainment!
Ha! Love it!
That is awesome. My self, I much prefer duct tape. So useful around the house for things besides taping the children to a kitchen chair.
How refreshing to find a parenting blog by the “other parent.” Lead on…
And thanks to Ree for her “blogging college” posting for helping me find you!
Kathy
pinkfluffyicing.blogspot.com
I just found your blog after reading the comments on Dooce blog. And this is a Totally Hilarious post! I’m glad I found your blog! Even made my hubby laugh.
Seamless photoshopping and excellent parenting advice? I’ll be back, bet on it.