For Sale
Two children. Boy, 5; girl, 3. Both housebroken. Girl doesn’t eat much.
Buyer must be willing to:
- forgo sleep for the next two decades.
- give up most personal interests/hobbies.
- surrender all free time.
- spend inordinate amounts of money on useless trinkets.
- fight regularly with partner/spouse/co-parent due to conflicting parenting styles.
- accept that Halley’s Comet will appear more frequently than sex.
- have inane, repetitive, spectacularly annoying children’s songs playing on an endless loop in his/her head.
- watch his/her marriage morph into something more akin to co-managing a combined Chuck E. Cheese/toy store/children’s hospital/recreation center/juvenile-delinquent home.
- never again finish speaking a complete sentence to another adult in the presence of said children.
- become so insanely sleep deprived and mentally unstable that you fantasize about your cute little “For Sale” blog entry being an actual, honest-to-goodness offer that someone takes you up on. Haha! Just kidding! (No, seriously: email me if you’re interested.)
Additional info:
- Any buyer who works from home should be prepared to have his/her concentration broken at least two to three dozen times per day by the sound of screaming, crying and/or fighting. (Seller is not responsible if this feature results in buyer intentionally jamming knitting needles into his/her eardrums and/or slamming his/her head into a wall or computer monitor.)
Seller would be willing to loan potential buyer the children in question for a trial-run weekend. In fact, seller would be willing to loan anyone the children in question for a trial-run weekend. Or a night. Or a few hours. Whatever you want.
I’m feeling your pain, brother. I have 3, with number 4 on the way later this month. Hubs and I have resorted to learning sign language in order to be able to communicate, since we can’t be heard over the kids, AND SpongeBob, AND Dora, AND Scooby-Doo, and the sounds of our own internal screeching and sobbing for what life USED to be like BC (before children). I used to think my mother was bat-shit crazy for saying she could never hear herself think….that’s now my middle name!
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You might want to be careful with this post. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt could be googling “husband scratches balls” and stumble across this ad. There would be no hesitation to add your cute kiddos to their brood.
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i have 4 as well. my youngest is 9 so i am finally getting more sleep. i can even nap now and they leave me alone. mostly.
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And this is probably why my husband won’t even consider bebe #2
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This is funny, cute, and an excellent form of BC for those of us who have not taken the child plunge yet.
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I know you won’t believe this BUT, two children are much harder than six. We added six children to our family as our first two were moving into adulthood. This group is a thousand times easier. Either that or we have so totally lost our marbles that we don’t recognize the real truth of it all! Love the post…
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Oooops, I think I need to explain that we added our last five through adoption and the sixth is our granddaughter who often lives with us as well. Don’t want anyone to think I had six babies all at once.
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LOL! This is how I feel most days. So glad someone else could express it too. Once a BJs guy asked if he could help me with anything else and I said “Sure, do you accept kids as payment, or actually I might pay you for keeping them.” He looked puzzled, I assume no kids or kids better behaved than mine
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I promise it gets easier. I have 3, now 15, 13, & almost 12. My middle child was a huge mama’s boy when he was young. He woke up crying in the middle of the night at least 4 nights a week until the age of 8. It’ll get better.
Love your blog by the way. You, do have a gift.
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OK – I’ve so been in your shoes and thought the world was going to end and “WHY IN THE WORLD DID I HAVE CHILDREN?” Phase would never go away. But rest assure…it does get better. My kiddos are now 9 & 12 – and about 2 years ago…Sleep came to them…all night…every night…no getting up in the middle of the night and have to pee and turn on every light on the way…no i’m thirsty…no “MOM I CAN”T SLEEP”. The day will come. Tag team it. My DH would take the kids for a few hours on a Saturday so I could Nap, and I”d do the same…Good luck! If i was closer, I’d take them! ;o)
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Scratches, are you having a rough day?
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OMG…you have read my mind! I tried to talk to a girlfirend of mine on the phone for maybe 10 minutes and I thought my girls were going to lose their minds! Since when did being a parent mean having to play with them ALL. DAY. LONG. Love your blog by the way..very very funny!
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Ha! We used to loan our 2 children out to our childless friends as birth control.
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This post made my morning AND my afternoon when I re-read it. Thanks. I can very much empathize.
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I actually laughed out loud because you hit the nail on the head with this one! By the way, I have four…trade you straight across?
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Awww, Daddy Scratches I came over from Dooce and had to say – they’re so CUTE though!
And yeah, I don’t have kids yet.
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P.s. What a nice fresh blog.
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AWESOME post; it really made me laugh!
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Reading this as my head begins to come out of the fog (been up for several hours and yes, it takes that long for me to fully come around…..maybe I should have coffee in the morning, instead of with lunch!!) has me in stitches. Possibly enough fits of laughter to last through one kidlet outside pretending to be a cat, while the other is still working on eating a pear that she started eating an hour ago………..maybe if she would stop talking about building sand castles long enough, she would actually finish, ya think?!
(Found your blog via a comment you left on PW’s blog!)
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Shall I assume your condom fell off?!
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This is why I’m childfree. And to the person who complains but is pregnant with another, you made your bed, now lie in it and stop whining.
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@Beth,
You’re right. That’s why you’re childfree, and should remain so. Leave it to those of us who understand the humor and love in this post and the fact that one single post about the frustrations of parenting do not in ANY WAY outweigh the pure joy and love that you will not only never understand, but don’t deserve to understand. Clearly, you just don’t get it.
kim´s last blog ..Utah bound
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@kim
Hey, just because parenting is so wonderful for you doesn’t mean it’d be wonderful for everyone. Parenting is the greatest thing YOU can do, and YOU alone. So don’t project your life goals on us childfree.
Clearly, you don’t get that what’s good for you isn’t good for everyone. You don’t deserve the satisfication and joy we get in accomplishing a fulfilling life independent of our offspring.
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Thank you for re-confirming my childfree lifestyle! Now I’m gonna go have sexy with my husband, sleep for 9 hours straight, book a flight to Bermuda for next weekend, and watch a movie.
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@Christine – you clearly missed my point. But that’s ok. Like I said, you just don’t (and won’t) get it.
kim´s last blog ..Utah bound
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I laughed for a long time about this one. Refreshing and honest. Good luck with that night of sleep.
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Retiring at 45 like I did a year ago (mainly because I am childfree) looks better and better than this miserable daily life.
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@kim
I get your message loud and clear. Saying the childfree just don’t and won’t “get it” is condescending and pretentious. Parenting is not meant for everyone, and just because someone isn’t parent-material doesn’t mean they’re immature, selfish, immoral or a child-hater. Qualified for parenthood does not necessarily equal “good person.” It sounds like you’re talking from that bias. “This person is not made for parenting, therefore there is something wrong with him/her.” The implication is that ultimate happiness, joy and fulfillment comes from parenting. Therefore, the childfree will never be truly joyful, happy or fulfilled.
To which I ask what about nuns and priests? Are they unfulfilled? What about Mother Theresa? A nun who has run summer camps in Ethiopia, tutoring programs in the inner city, discernment retreats in college towns, service immersions for alternative Spring Breaks, been mayor of a small town in Mississippi, starts every morning and ends every day praying with her sisters will never know happiness? I know nuns who’ve done all those things, by the way.
I’m going to put on my Catholic hat and now say that ultimate happiness, joy and fulfillment comes from living the life God meant you to live. If you are trying to live life against God’s will for your life, then no, you will not find fulfillment. So if God made you for parenting and you don’t have kids, you will be unhappy, because it’s not God’s will for you. If God made you childfree but you reproduce anyway, you will be unhappy, because it’s not God’s will for you.
I recognize that if you’re not religious, this argument holds no weight for you. Not all the childfree become nuns or priests, true. But my point remains if you live the life your wired to live, you will find wholeness. Not everyone is wired for parenting, and that’s ok. They aren’t doomed to a life of unfulfillment and lacking in meaning.
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Ohh, grammatical error! the last “your” should be “you’re.” If only comment boxes had Grammar-check!
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This is funny! And sooo true too! =) Either way, I love having children.
And @Christine, I didn’t follow the argument between you and Kim much, but your last post made a lot of sense. If you want to be Childfree, then you can be childfree, but if you want to have kids, have kids.
Don’t put either one down for the choice they make or make up silly acronyms to make fun of their choice.
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Christine, while I am childfree and agree with you in many ways, you are commenting on a blog post written by a parent. It isn’t really fair to come here and write a post that was frankly a little rude (“stop whining”). To then not expect someone else to respond in a similar vein is silly.
You don’t sign a “no complaining allowed” contract when you have a child. This is a group of like minded people venting about frustrations in their life and taking a moment to laugh at themselves – they don’t need self righteous posts by childfree people about how they should quit whining.
In much the same way as we have chosen not to have kids because we don’t want to deal with the negatives, you can also choose not to read blog posts by parents complaining about their kids now and then.
As to the post itself; well, I must admit it DOES outline a lot of reasons that I am childfree, but I hope for the sake of the parents on here that it really IS worth it like everyone says. Good luck and stay sane.
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Oh I should add that the retort about “you don’t deserve to understand” was also in pretty poor form…
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yikes! Is it really that bad? I don’t have kids (yet) and to be honest I’m on the fence. Reading parents blogs is a favourite pasttime of mine, but I have to admit, this one really scared me. I fail to see any humour in it but I know you meant it that way, so I’m assuming, hoping that parenthood isn’t that bad.
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