Oh, by the way

The following incident happened one week ago today, and other than acknowledging that it occurred, Wonder Woman and I haven’t spoken of it since … and that’s fine with me; I’d just as soon pretend it never happened.

Which is why I’m about to share it with the Internet. Go figure.

But I can’t not tell you about this one. It’s just too ridiculous.

As you might recall, one week ago today was Zan’s Big Birthday Blowout, and, jeepers crow, were there ever a lot of preparations involved. The drinks, the snacks, the gifts, the cake, the activities, the balloons … it was overwhelming … at least, I imagine it was overwhelming; fortunately for me (and Zan, and anyone else whose enjoyment relies upon the planning of things further in advance than two seconds from right now), Wonder Woman handles most such preparations.

What I am good for is the grunt work … in this case, the loading of the many accoutrements we had to bring with us to the party venue. And since the party was in the middle of the day, and I decided to work right up until departure time, I was, shortly before said departure time, scrambling to get everything packed into our two vehicles (and the necessity of taking two vehicles should help illustrate just how many accoutrements we were dealing with).

And all the while, the kids, with the fighting, and the bickering, and the constantly-looking-for-ways-to-piss-each-other-off-ing, and oy vey already.

All of which combined to transform me from Daddy Scratches into Daddy Frazzled.

So Wonder Woman gets in her car with the kids, and I get in my car alone (hallelujah!), and here we go, off to the party.

Now, much like our house, our driveway is teensy and tiny and narrow (just ask the Verizon FiOS guy), which means we have to park one car behind the other … and since Wonder Woman is an active participant in The World, and I am mostly a hermit, her car goes behind mine.

As I started the car and fastened my seatbelt, I glanced in my rearview mirror and saw Wonder Woman begin backing her car down the driveway. At this point, I did something else—turned on the radio or unwrapped a piece of gum or picked my nose or something; I forget (but the passage of time involved in whatever that menial task was helps partially explain why I didn’t expect what was about to happen). I then placed the car in reverse and did what I always do: used the side mirrors to navigate my way between the rock walls that flank the driveway.

This driving-with-the-side-mirrors thing is a carefully honed skill of which I am quite proud. I recall during my time in the army being in a close friend’s Camaro, which he backed into a familiar driveway at relatively high speed using nothing but his side mirrors, and I was impressed (as evidenced by the fact that I still vividly recall it nearly two decades later). Up until then, backing up a car, to me, meant draping my right arm over the back of the passenger seat and turning my body halfway around so I was facing out the back window.

But no more; in the years since, I’ve become a bad-ass, side-mirror-using motherfucker.

The thing about using the side mirrors, however, is that they only show you what’s to the left rear and right rear of your vehicle, and not what is directly behind you.

So imagine my surprise when, as I began backing down the driveway like the bad-ass, side-mirror-using motherfucker I am, I suddenly crashed into the front of my wife’s car.

Yes, really.

In my sort-of defense, I was quite certain that she had long since cleared the driveway, what with my radio tuning or gum unwrapping or nose picking or whatever it was I was doing during the time I thought it would take her to get out of my way.

Wanna feel like a galactic douche? Back into your wife’s car in your own driveway while both kids are sitting in her back seat. No, really, you should try it; loads of laughs.

As I got out of my car, I could hear Jayna crying, and as I turned to look at her, I could see Wonder Woman, whose hands were still clutching the steering wheel, and whose mouth was agape, and whose expression said, “Wait, did my asshole husband actually just back his car into mine … in the DRIVEWAY??”

And yes, darling, he did, you lucky girl you. Quite a catch you got yerself there, eh?

Upon inspecting the damage, I discovered that it was limited to a couple of faintly visible marks on my rear bumper, and a broken license-plate frame and bent front license plate on her car. So at least I had that going for me.

Wonder Woman rolled down her window, and I stuck my head in to assure Jayna that everything was fine, and to apologize for scaring her—you know, while doing the standard “Happy happy, joy joy, everything is A-OK!” act that other parents will know so well.

“That couple was walking down the sidewalk, so I had to stop,” Wonder Woman said, as though I was even remotely deserving of an explanation. The couple in question was now on the opposite side of the street. “They crossed after you hit me.” Well, bully for them.

And I got back into my car, and we drove to the party, and never again spoke of it.

So, yeah, there’s that story. Stayed tuned; I’m planning to walk into a plate-glass door next.

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30 Comments

  1. Posted June 17, 2009 at 1:44 pm | Permalink

    Priceless! Women Women 1 Daddy Scratches big fat 0!! Let the ass kissing begin…

  2. Stefanie
    Posted June 17, 2009 at 1:45 pm | Permalink

    I’ve done something similar backing out of my garage. Wasn’t used to hubby’s truck behind me at the edge of the driveway. Nice dent right behind the cab of the truck – See you’re not the only “dumbass” that’s done it.

  3. Posted June 17, 2009 at 1:55 pm | Permalink

    I’m laughing my ass off, but only because we (thankfully) have a double driveway, otherwise I’m 98% sure Hubs & I would have done this at least twice already. Congrats on taking so long!!

    If it makes you feel any better, my mom backed out of our driveway and hit a tree … 5 feet to the left of the driveway & at least 8 feet from the road. We still don’t know how she managed that one.

  4. Posted June 17, 2009 at 2:27 pm | Permalink

    I love it when you share!

  5. Posted June 17, 2009 at 2:54 pm | Permalink

    O-M-G. Let me stop laughing…hee hee, ha ha…It is only a sign that you are human just like us!

  6. Jamaica
    Posted June 17, 2009 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

    That is SO something that me and my S**thead hubby would do. Hope everyone is OK!

  7. Frannie
    Posted June 17, 2009 at 3:29 pm | Permalink

    Wonder Woman is such a sweetheart!

  8. Ann
    Posted June 17, 2009 at 4:52 pm | Permalink

    Try turning in to park next to your husbands truck and plowing right into it! Talk about red-faced! And he and his buddies were all there to witness it !

  9. Posted June 17, 2009 at 5:01 pm | Permalink

    That’s right up there with my driveway oops. Hubby was in his car pulling a fully loaded trailer of stuff, which had sat inside of our garage for ease of filling. I guess his car was full, too, because we were both driving separate cars. We left at the same time, and I decided to be the helpful one and hit the button to close the garage door. The only problem was that the trailer hadn’t cleared the door. Said door has never been the same. Now it is dented, bent, and makes an awful screeching bang whenever opened or closed. I’ve never told anyone that story. I feel so cleansed,

  10. Posted June 17, 2009 at 5:06 pm | Permalink

    You wife is so much nicer than I would have been! I would have told every other parent at the birthday party what an idiot driver my husband is!! Count your blessings!

  11. Posted June 17, 2009 at 8:56 pm | Permalink

    Wow. I burned my ankle while cooking the other day. I actually studied cooking in college. It’s good to know more than one of us exists.

  12. unbalanced libran
    Posted June 18, 2009 at 1:02 am | Permalink

    ooo that was hilarious!!!! its always hilarious when it happens to an alpha male ( & to someone else)

  13. Jamie
    Posted June 18, 2009 at 9:59 am | Permalink

    I can’t even discribe the VAST number of “oops” moments I’ve had in my car. Just picture in your mind 4 little Chinese men very kindly helping to lift my car off of the curb I was balanced on after leaving their drive-thru window… No idea how I did that. And the sad thing is, that’s only one.

  14. Posted June 18, 2009 at 10:42 am | Permalink

    Ok, that’s sinfully funny! I would have paid to see that. And I mean that in the nicest, I feel for you buddy way it could sound.

  15. Kristi
    Posted June 18, 2009 at 12:43 pm | Permalink

    I managed to rip the car door off my Escort with my hubby’s truck fender while backing the car 5 feet down the driveway while said hubby stood there watching with our 5 pound chihuahua. I then proceeded to poke my eye out with the cordless phone antenae while trying to call the insurance agent.
    Not, one, but two $500 deductibles and one $150 emergency room visit later, we were able to get the yard mowed.

  16. reen
    Posted June 18, 2009 at 2:03 pm | Permalink

    Oh ha hahaha!! Someone did this to me in a parking lot once, and I’m sure Wonder Woman did not honk the horn for the same reason I didn’t, we were expecting the backing-up car to stop before it hit us, and by the time we registered in horror that that was not going to happen, BLAM too late. She didn’t out you to everyone at the party? She is totally a keeper!

  17. Posted June 18, 2009 at 7:06 pm | Permalink

    Exactly how long are you going to have to kiss WW’s butt to make up for this stoopid Man Beast stunt?!

  18. Lady J
    Posted June 18, 2009 at 7:20 pm | Permalink

    I am so glad to know that my husband is not the only one who does things like this. Though, I think I’m the one who lost the last round…

  19. Posted June 18, 2009 at 8:42 pm | Permalink

    Seriously, I cracked up about this at my work desk. Sounds like something I would do too. I tend to blast the tunes (only when alone in the car of course, must remain sensitive to my bambino’s ears), throw some gum in my mouth, throw my hair back and vroom, vroom I go. Totally oblivious to the tricycle that might be behind my car.

    So any words of encouragement for you would be: God speed man. God speed.

    P.S. Glad you were able to find my article on the Examiner and thanks for leaving a comment. I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog.

  20. Catherine McP
    Posted June 18, 2009 at 9:14 pm | Permalink

    I still feel bad after 18 or so years of driving back over my daughters rockin little red pixie Schwinn with the training wheels. oooh that hurt.

  21. Posted June 19, 2009 at 10:08 am | Permalink

    funny story! at least you didn’t hit the car while moving forward, like another person I know…..

  22. Posted June 19, 2009 at 10:21 am | Permalink

    De-lurking because I had to share this story that may or may not make you feel less dumb about what you did! My husband and I had rented a car for some reason and we were on our way back to the rental place to return it. I was driving our car with our 2 kids in it and he was behind us in the rental car. We were driving by a small municipal airport and the car in front of me stopped short, so I stopped short to avoid hitting it all the while I was thinking that for sure my husband was watching the planes at the airport and was for sure going to hit me. Of course he did!! No one was hurt and there was no damage to the rental car, but our car had a nice dent in it. And I got to make fun of him for about 2 weeks until the day after we got the car fixed and I backed up into a wall in our driveway and dented the exact same spot!!

  23. Kitty
    Posted June 19, 2009 at 12:28 pm | Permalink

    Too funny! Brought back a not so good memory for me.

  24. Posted June 19, 2009 at 1:35 pm | Permalink

    I just found your blog thru a comment a PW’s blog. And over the course of the last 10 minutes and the front few posts on your blog, you have me laugh, AND made me cry (thinking of my own kids growing up) I have added you to my reader, keep it up!

  25. Alyxherself
    Posted June 20, 2009 at 1:58 pm | Permalink

    Jolly good bit of passive agressive release that.
    C’mon! kidz make ya nuts, I woulda felt bad too, but 5 seconds after I was alone in the car I woulda been like, …..wait for it….”Ahahahahahahahahahhahahaa. Serves ya right, ya bratz. Don’t mess with The Dad”.
    But then I am slightly unbalanced and way too in touch with my masculine side, prolly.

  26. Posted June 20, 2009 at 4:57 pm | Permalink

    OMG…you are soo funny! I have a fear of backing down my driveway (which is really a 30 foot drop into the street that makes you feel like you’ve just ridden a ride at an amusement park) and crashing into another car or running over some poor neighbor. I can just about picture the look on your wife’s face after you smacked into her…priceless! Thanks for sharing!

  27. Posted June 23, 2009 at 12:58 am | Permalink

    Ah, that’s terrible, but brilliantly funny. Sorry about the scratch but glad no one was hurt (physically that is). Your stories are a great read I enjoy your style!. I too followed your PW comment. 🙂
    Jessie at Blog Schmog

  28. Posted June 23, 2009 at 9:05 pm | Permalink

    I found your blog through Dooce and thought it would be interesting to hear from a daddy blogger. This entry is hilarious!! I can picture my husband and I in this situation perfectly!! Although, honestly, I think I would have to tease my husband about it for atleast a couple weeks! Thanks for the laugh and I’ll definetly be following your blog 🙂

  29. Posted June 24, 2009 at 5:09 pm | Permalink

    AWESOME! I feel so justified when men do things like this. Had it been the other way around and Wonder Woman backed into you…would it be “never spoken of again?” I ask because about 4 years ago, I backed out of our garage, without actually OPENING our garage! And now, 4 years later when we have to spend a small fortune to replace said garage door, youbetchyourass I hear about it EVERY DAY!

  30. CJK
    Posted June 25, 2009 at 2:55 pm | Permalink

    This is the first that I’ve read your blog…flippin’ hilarious, dude. I had to forward it to my husband as he’s a bad-ass, side-mirror-using motherfucker as well. He also is home with our kids during the day (he works 2nd shift) while I slave away in corporate America. I think he’s going to relate quite well to your blog.

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