And now a few words from my children’s coats

Zan & Jayna's coats

Why, children? Why do you hate us so? What ever have we done to you except keep you warm and dry and protected from the elements?

Do you not understand that although it feels plenty warm enough to wear that sleeveless shirt and those shorts while you’re still inside the house with the door closed, it is not equally as warm on the other side of that door? Do you not realize that it is more than 20 degrees cooler outside right now, and that “more than 20 degrees cooler outside” means “much colder than it is indoors right now”? Of course you do; we heard your parents telling you as much. Repeatedly.

And speaking of your parents: here they go again with the counting.

“I am going to count to three, and if you don’t put your coat on, you’ll [some kind of threat about losing a treat or a show or college funding or some other such thing that, in the moment, you couldn’t give a shit less about, because all you know is that you, for some inexplicable reason, don’t want to wear a coat]. Oooooone … twwwwoooooooooo … you better put that coat on … I mean it … I’m going to say ‘three’ … OK, you asked for it: three. You just lost your [whatever].”

And now the crying and the screaming and the whining, and sweet mother, are we ever happy that we don’t have ears. (And, yes, we know we said a couple of paragraphs ago that we “heard” your parents telling you something, but the whole “we can hear” thing is no longer convenient for this gag, so we have decided that we now are deaf because it helps this particular paragraph.)

And what is that we hear, children? (Yes, we’ve regained our hearing. It’s a miracle!) Is that a cough? A sneeze? A sniffle? Goodness gracious, you’re sick again! Don’t you realize that remaining healthy is just one more reason why you should heed your parents’ instructions to put us on, lickity split? Clearly, they have your best interests at heart.

Yet, still, you refuse … fervently. Quite frankly, we can’t imagine a human being protesting this much about going to the electric chair. But there you are, hysterically objecting to wearing a coat. What on earth would make you want to do such a thing? We don’t get it.

What the … ? Did you just scream at your parents and call them stinky poopoo heads because they told you to put on a coat before you go outside, because they love you and feel obligated to look out for your well being, and want you to be warm and dry and snuggly and healthy and live to a ripe old age? Yes, we’re probably a bit biased seeing as how they bought us and all, but we must say, we think your parents are just phenomenal. I mean, seriously, the things they put up with. “Stinky poopoo heads”? Could you be more childish?

What’s that? You’re acting like children because you are children? OK, you’ve got us there. Touché.

Well, listen, if you’re not going to put us on, for god’s sake, at least put on a sweatshirt, or a longsleeve t-shirt! I mean, c’mon! You won’t even do that? Jesus, you’re stubborn. Alright, we give up.

Oh, by the way: we were talking to your beds the other day, and they were mentioning that you guys keeping getting out of them ridiculously early in the morning. What is it with you fools? You actually want to be cold and tired?

Look, maybe we can’t figure you out because we’re coats and you’re humans, but we gotta tell ya, from where we’re hanging, your decision-making skills leave a lot to be desired.

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15 Comments

  1. Posted June 19, 2009 at 6:38 pm | Permalink

    Looking forward to hearing from the shoes next.

  2. Carolyn
    Posted June 19, 2009 at 7:45 pm | Permalink

    I’m confused, coats for what? I mean I don’t have kids, but if I did, coats would give them heat stroke right now. Shouldn’t they be putting on sunscreen, SPF 1000?? BTW, you finally moved me to comment.

  3. Posted June 19, 2009 at 8:38 pm | Permalink

    I do believe the coats are crabby because they are stuffed in a closet (or temporary storage container) for the season…

  4. Posted June 19, 2009 at 10:22 pm | Permalink

    Not sure where you ladies live, but up here in the northeast, it’s been raining for weeks, and we’ve had some mornings lately that were in the 40s. Thus, coats.

  5. gail
    Posted June 20, 2009 at 7:48 am | Permalink

    Yes, Mother would tell us to put our coats/sweaters/sweatshirts/whatevers on, and at 13 I’d whine and complain as well. And Dad would say, “Put your jacket on, your mother’s cold”. It’s a comment that lives in infamy and will never be forgotten by the children of those parents. As for your rain…it came from here. And I understand we’ll be getting more soon…so you can expect more in a couple of weeks.

  6. Posted June 20, 2009 at 9:10 am | Permalink

    I just stumbled across your site and had a giggle about the funny little creatures we call children.

    I once made the mistake of going to a shop at the same time as school closed. The counter was filled with hoards of children waiting for sweets and their parents waiting to pay for the sweets (probably a reward for putting their coats on). As all were queuing to pay, frustrated adults and excited children alike, one toddler shouted happily at her mother ”Mummy, when I grow up I want to be an alcohol just like you”.

    You gotta love ’em.

  7. Posted June 20, 2009 at 9:56 am | Permalink

    Maybe Nevada. I live in Vegas and its in the 90’s… I am jealous of your cooler weather even if it means rain etc.

  8. Lisa G.
    Posted June 20, 2009 at 11:16 am | Permalink

    Trade you-going to be 99 here today! 99!!! Yay for the hot as Hades South. I think I’ll stay inside until October!

  9. Posted June 20, 2009 at 1:22 pm | Permalink

    Sorry coats the children in your households show you total lack of respect. The children…especially the boys….disrespect our bathroom floors all the time. Who likes to be peed on?

    Hugs and Mocha,
    Stesha

  10. Sara
    Posted June 21, 2009 at 6:53 pm | Permalink

    Pick your battles. Is it really worth stressing yourself out to force the kids to put on a piece of clothing? The more decisions you allow the kids to make, the more responsible they will be later in life.
    Maybe they are not cold? Please allow them to make more decisions for themselves and save yourself LOTS of heartache.
    Good Luck!

  11. Posted June 22, 2009 at 3:04 pm | Permalink

    Seriously. Could it just. stop. raining!?!

    I feel your pain. My daughter is the same way with shoes. It could be 5F degrees outside, and she’ll want to take her shoes off.

  12. reen
    Posted June 22, 2009 at 3:26 pm | Permalink

    Mine are only good about wearing coats because they’re such a novelty around here – your kids are probably sick to death of them by now. Oh yes, balmy 75 degrees with a light breeze…in the middle of the NIGHT and 101 expected all week during the day. Summer here is such a drag!!

  13. Posted June 23, 2009 at 2:43 am | Permalink

    We’ve had 98 degree weather every day for weeks – today I dress 9 year old in a tank top and shorts and send her to summer school for her to run back in the house shivering asking for a coat because the wind is BLOWING and the weather dropped 20 degrees today! WTH?

  14. Posted June 23, 2009 at 6:13 pm | Permalink

    I love the perspective from the coats point of view. who knew??

  15. Gail K.
    Posted June 26, 2009 at 9:49 pm | Permalink

    Classic! And having grown up in your neck of the woods – I even understand the terms: spring coat, fall coat AND winter coat. No one where I live now does and they think I am a creature from another planet. Of course these people will wear a tank top, short shorts and flip flops when it is raining and 60 degrees, then spend 45 minutes bitching that they are cold.

    Zan, Jayna – you need to wear your spring coats when it is chilly out. Then when it warms up, you can take them off. Mommy and Daddy really do want you to be healthy. It’s no fun being called a “stinky poopoo head” by a sick child.

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