And now a few words from my children’s coats

Zan & Jayna's coats

Why, children? Why do you hate us so? What ever have we done to you except keep you warm and dry and protected from the elements?

Do you not understand that although it feels plenty warm enough to wear that sleeveless shirt and those shorts while you’re still inside the house with the door closed, it is not equally as warm on the other side of that door? Do you not realize that it is more than 20 degrees cooler outside right now, and that “more than 20 degrees cooler outside” means “much colder than it is indoors right now”? Of course you do; we heard your parents telling you as much. Repeatedly.

And speaking of your parents: here they go again with the counting.

“I am going to count to three, and if you don’t put your coat on, you’ll [some kind of threat about losing a treat or a show or college funding or some other such thing that, in the moment, you couldn’t give a shit less about, because all you know is that you, for some inexplicable reason, don’t want to wear a coat]. Oooooone … twwwwoooooooooo … you better put that coat on … I mean it … I’m going to say ‘three’ … OK, you asked for it: three. You just lost your [whatever].”

And now the crying and the screaming and the whining, and sweet mother, are we ever happy that we don’t have ears. (And, yes, we know we said a couple of paragraphs ago that we “heard” your parents telling you something, but the whole “we can hear” thing is no longer convenient for this gag, so we have decided that we now are deaf because it helps this particular paragraph.)

And what is that we hear, children? (Yes, we’ve regained our hearing. It’s a miracle!) Is that a cough? A sneeze? A sniffle? Goodness gracious, you’re sick again! Don’t you realize that remaining healthy is just one more reason why you should heed your parents’ instructions to put us on, lickity split? Clearly, they have your best interests at heart.

Yet, still, you refuse … fervently. Quite frankly, we can’t imagine a human being protesting this much about going to the electric chair. But there you are, hysterically objecting to wearing a coat. What on earth would make you want to do such a thing? We don’t get it.

What the … ? Did you just scream at your parents and call them stinky poopoo heads because they told you to put on a coat before you go outside, because they love you and feel obligated to look out for your well being, and want you to be warm and dry and snuggly and healthy and live to a ripe old age? Yes, we’re probably a bit biased seeing as how they bought us and all, but we must say, we think your parents are just phenomenal. I mean, seriously, the things they put up with. “Stinky poopoo heads”? Could you be more childish?

What’s that? You’re acting like children because you are children? OK, you’ve got us there. Touché.

Well, listen, if you’re not going to put us on, for god’s sake, at least put on a sweatshirt, or a longsleeve t-shirt! I mean, c’mon! You won’t even do that? Jesus, you’re stubborn. Alright, we give up.

Oh, by the way: we were talking to your beds the other day, and they were mentioning that you guys keeping getting out of them ridiculously early in the morning. What is it with you fools? You actually want to be cold and tired?

Look, maybe we can’t figure you out because we’re coats and you’re humans, but we gotta tell ya, from where we’re hanging, your decision-making skills leave a lot to be desired.

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