Pay no attention to the iMac that I just chucked out the window of a moving car on a busy superhighway during rush hour

Hey there! Remember me? Yeah, right: Jon, a.k.a. Daddy Scratches.

Man, things were really going well around here; traffic to the website was going up, up, UP, the audience was growing, and I was basking in the glow of your patronage and praise. Great for my self-esteem and sense of purpose. So, of course, that had to be stopped.

And thank GAWD The Universe finally stepped in and bitch-slapped me down a few notches, because I was beginning to fear I might be on to something BIG here, and what would I do with that kind of success? Pffft.

My iMac, my lovely, lovely iMac, whom I’ve loved and cared for and caressed and … oh, I’m sorry, did I say that last part out loud? Ahem. Well, anyway, I love Apple and everything they make … but suddenly, last week, my lovely, lovely iMac turned into the Technological Spawn of Satan, and its reign of destruction has continued unabated for days on end, causing this blog to become moldy and stale, and prompting my audience to dry up and blow away.

See this?

Spinning Beach Ball of Death

I see it, too … and I’ve been seeing it for roughly half of my waking hours for the past week or so.

That is the Spinning Beach Ball of Death, which is what one’s mouse cursor becomes when one’s iMac gets constipated. It is the Mac OS-equivalent of The Finger. Basically, my iMac has been flipping me off for days now.

I won’t bore you with all the bullshit I’ve gone through in my efforts to straighten it out, because oy-freakin’-vey already with the hours and hours (and hours) of attempting to straighten it out. Suffice to say, I’ve spent HOURS troubleshooting this clusterfuck, and I’m still stymied.


Today, boys and girls … today is a good day … because moments from now, I am going to pack up the rental van I obtained yesterday, and the Scratches Family will shortly thereafter officially be ON VACATION.

This evening, we head to my in-laws’ in Philly, where tomorrow we plan to lounge around the pool. This will be the vacation equivalent of a deep-sea diver stopping halfway down so his or her body can acclimate to the change of environment.

Then, on Saturday, we will take the full plunge as we venture further south to Bethany Beach, Delaware, location of The Beach House. This will be the third year that my in-laws have rented this huge, beachside abode, and if the previous two years are any indication, the coming week may very well restore what little sanity I had left prior to The Great iMac Fuck Up of 2009.

I commandeered Wonder Woman’s MacBook, and it is my intention to get some blogging done when I’m not swimming in the ocean, lounging in the sun or drinking more than my fair share of Corona and Patron, so I do hope you’ll stay tuned, and that you’ll forgive my transgressions as of late. (There will probably be Tweets and TwitPics aplenty, so be sure to check out the Daddy’s Briefs over there on the right, or latch on to my Twitter feed.)

I’m sorry, Internet. I still love you … and I hope you still love me.

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  1. Sam
    Posted July 16, 2009 at 3:30 pm | Permalink

    …The Technicolor Spinning Wheel of Death, a rainbow of fun. I totally sympathize. Have a great vacation.

  2. Andrea
    Posted July 16, 2009 at 4:31 pm | Permalink

    Phew!!!! I was getting worried!!!! Welcome back….and enjoy the vacation. Love to the fam!!!

  3. Posted July 16, 2009 at 5:13 pm | Permalink

    I have a friend who calls the Rainbow Swirly of Death the “Gay Hissy Fit”. We’ve spent many an evening giggling about this because sometimes if you’re not laughing, you’re crying. Especially when your mac is acting like a whore.

  4. Posted July 16, 2009 at 6:15 pm | Permalink

    All right! ‘Puter probs. Not the nervous breakdown you promised us, after all.

  5. Posted July 16, 2009 at 7:47 pm | Permalink

    This by far is my favorite blogpost of yours. My sides hurt from laughing. You are too freakin funny.

  6. Danielle
    Posted July 16, 2009 at 8:54 pm | Permalink

    “Gay Hissy Fit”


    You know how some people really really hate clowns? Like, they’re supposed to be represent something from childhood that is innocent and clean and fun? And yet, for some inexplicable reason, some people just get the heebie jeebies when they see one?

    That’s how I’ve started to feel about that beach ball.

    “Oh no. No no no. Nononononononononononononononono. No, not this. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! It’s the beach ball. Spinning its evil into my life!!!! Make it stop! Make it go away!!! I’ll do anything, just Make! The! Ball! Of! Death! Stop! Spinning! We’re all gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiiie!”

    Ahem. The basis of Stephen King’s next novel, perhaps?

  7. Posted July 16, 2009 at 10:00 pm | Permalink

    of course we still love you! yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!

    that wheel thingy is going to haunt me in my dreams now, thanks man.

  8. Posted July 16, 2009 at 11:16 pm | Permalink

    Vacation? A distant memory for me. Enjoy!

  9. Posted July 17, 2009 at 11:51 am | Permalink

    Welcome back. I was wondering about you…

    Have fun on vacation! Bethany Beach is awesome. It’s the little jewel in the rough between overgrown Rehoboth, DE and Ocean City, MD. Are you at South Bethany (closer to Fenwick Island State Park) or Bethany proper? South Bethany is the quietest.

  10. reen
    Posted July 17, 2009 at 1:20 pm | Permalink

    You haven’t lost us, we’re still checking on you. My condolences on the beach ball. Have a great vaca!

  11. Posted July 17, 2009 at 1:49 pm | Permalink

    So did anyone, think or the apple vs pc commercial when he was describing his fustration. Glad to see us pc guys have company.

  12. Posted July 17, 2009 at 2:26 pm | Permalink

    I’m still here! Maybe apple was just giving you a beach ball for your vacation!

  13. Debbie Rivers
    Posted July 17, 2009 at 2:31 pm | Permalink

    Oh yea, still love you and having been missing you. Hope you have a very relaxing vacation.

  14. Posted July 17, 2009 at 4:57 pm | Permalink

    I have begged and pleaded and cried for an Apple laptop for the last 2 years … until the OS on my Dell putzed out last week. DH was able to go in, retrieve everything & save my compusoul within 2 days. He handed back my computer saying “If this had been an Apple you’d be crying in the store, buying a new one and missing every picture of our daughters. You’re welcome.*”

    Since my IT dept seems to be microsoft based, I’m going to remain an Apple virgin for a very long time.

    *I paraphrase. There was a 20 minute lecture in there about backing my shit up & cleaning up harddrives and blah blah fucking blah.

  15. Julie
    Posted July 17, 2009 at 5:05 pm | Permalink

    I’ve been on vacation so I didn’t realize you weren’t around.

    I gave birth to my IT Department. They would not come running to help me if I had an Apple.

  16. Posted July 19, 2009 at 4:08 am | Permalink

    I take it you are now picking up the pieces of the mac and gluing them back together?

  17. Posted July 19, 2009 at 11:40 pm | Permalink

    We’re still here! Enjoy your vacation; we’ll be here when you get back! :0)

  18. Posted July 20, 2009 at 1:35 pm | Permalink

    I once rode a bicycle from Bethany to Dewey & back… wish I knew why! Hope the kids get their fair share of ice cream & taffy. Have a great time!

  19. Posted July 23, 2009 at 12:25 am | Permalink

    Oh good heavens, this is so funny. Seriously, the spinning beach ball of death – I’ve been there. Hope you’re having a great vacation and when you come home, your computer will be just as refreshed as you are!

  20. VIslander
    Posted July 26, 2009 at 10:08 pm | Permalink

    Well Buddy, as you have callously deserted your fans to drink tequila and collect sand in your private areas, I have been driven to feeding my now raging “Daddy Scratches” addiction by re-reading your accumulated archived gems. I have to admit I cannot read any entries in your collection if I have a full bladder. Even the second time around….they absolutely crack me up…. EXCEPT for one teeeeny thing.
    You display one cute but maddening quirk. Case in point: Lighting up the Christmas tree magically: You write “it gives WW and/or I enough time to secure the remote”— IT SHOULD READ “it gives WW and/or ME enough time to secure the remote—”
    (You see?, “it gives WW enough time to secure the remote”….”it gives ME enough time to secure the remote”…(pretty easy, no exceptions.)

    Here is a simple table with some examples that might be helpful.
    Sarah helped you and I WRONG -Sarah helped you and me.RIGHT
    Can we keep this between you and I?WRONG Can we keep this between you and me? -RIGHT
    She blamed everything on you and I WRONG She blamed everything on you and me.-RIGHT
    They served him before you and I WRONG They served him before you and me.-RIGHT
    Keep the following mnemonic sentence in mind: “I” am the Subject but the Object is “me.”
    Alright, alright, I admit it, I am a consummate nitpicker. I am just saying….

    • Posted July 28, 2009 at 8:37 am | Permalink

      VIslander: Guilty as charged. I’ve started catching myself a lot more often in recent months, but as you’ve noted, there are plenty of instances in the archives. (The lesson/table was overkill, however. ;))

  21. Posted July 28, 2009 at 10:05 pm | Permalink

    Bossy loves being bitch-slapped right when she thinks things are going well… or at least she better love it because it always seems to happen, like a CLOCK.

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