This is where the witty headline would go if I had enough brainpower left to come up with one.

Man, that previous entry was funny, wasn’t? All that whoopin’ it up about my underachieving iMac? Yessiree, comical stuff. Ha ha. Ho ho. Hee hee.

Well, guess what? I’M NOT LAUGHIN’!

Turns out my iMac is far more fucked than I originally thought. Like, unusably fucked.

We’ve been home from vacation for two days, and I have spent almost every waking moment of those two days locked in a duel to the death with the iMac … and it almost won. Pinned me to the floor, battered me about the head and shoulders, poked me in the eyes and gave me a vicious wedgie.

(I’m sorry, do I seem delirious? Well, that’s only because I’VE SPENT ROUGHLY 30 OF THE PAST 48 HOURS GETTING A TECNHO WEDGIE!)

But then I heard the “Rocky” theme begin to play in my sleep-deprived brain, and that glorious flourish of trumpets inspired me to headbutt that dastardly iMac, and when it covered up, I kneed it right in the balls.

And now that it is curled up on the floor clutching its crotch and gasping for air, I have decided I’m done with it. The hard drive is fucked.

Piss on you, iMac. You lose.

“Dude, WTF? Why don’t you just take it to the Apple store and get it fixed?” Hey, great question, Internet! And I have an equally great answer: I don’t technically own it.

No, it’s nothing shady; my employer obtained my iMac via a now-defunct deal we had with Apple … emphasis on “now-defunct.” The deal died, but Apple never asked for the computer back, and we never offered it, and that was all well and good—until now.

Now, if I take the iMac to an Apple store, the likely outcome will be the nice Apple people saying, “Hey, wait a minute … this isn’t your computer … this is our computer. Thanks for bringing it back. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.”

So my boss is now attempting to drum up a new one for me from god knows where, a process that will take god knows how long.

Meanwhile, my blog has become the digital equivalent of a brown-and-black banana, and that pains me more than any other part of this whole ordeal.

SO …

Wonder Woman has graciously allowed me to co-opt indefinitely her MacBook, and since I’m no longer wasting every precious moment of my life performing open-heart surgery on my suckMac, I plan to make things right around here.

And, jeez Louise, do I have things to tell you about … like Jayna’s birthday … and Zan’s latest sporting endeavor … and our fantastic, fantastic (did I mention it was good?) vacation, during which we racked up 1,138 miles on our bitchin’ rental van (and got pulled over by The Law not once, but twice! Go, bitchin’ rental van, go!).

Oh, there are tales galore … and rest assured that I’m going to share them with you.

Starting tomorrow.

Because right now? Right now, Jon can’t see straight.

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  1. Posted July 30, 2009 at 1:05 am | Permalink

    Oh I cant wait to read the stories…I’m sure you will put your funny little spin on them. We are embarking in just a few hours (that’s wee-thirty in the morning) for our own road trip/vacation with kids. Wish us well…LOL

  2. Posted July 30, 2009 at 8:40 am | Permalink

    Okay welcome back, as a new visitor to your blog 2 posts before the rotten apple incident. I’m looking foreward to reading some new stuff.

  3. Posted July 30, 2009 at 8:53 am | Permalink

    –>Glad you were able to come back and slap the iMac in the head and say, Who’s your Daddy?
    Answer: Daddy Scratches!


  4. Posted July 30, 2009 at 10:47 am | Permalink

    I got pulled over in Oregon recently on the Road Trip of the Century while driving my boyfriend’s car because he was sleepy after drinking a beer (or two) on the coast with his shrimp sandwich. This cop unceremoniously gave me a ticket for speeding (80 in a 55, OOPS) and asked zero questions whatsoever about why I, an AZ girl, was driving a car registered in IN on the coast in OR.

    I really hope your run in with The Law was more exciting than mine.

  5. Posted July 30, 2009 at 11:03 am | Permalink

    dear god man i’ve been waiting for an eternity!!! but what a battle. i feel a movie should be made about this.

  6. Michele P
    Posted July 30, 2009 at 12:12 pm | Permalink

    Yay, you’re back! Can’t wait to hear about your adventures! And its a good thing you’re back just in time for this glorious MA weather we’re having. Oh, wait…

  7. Posted July 30, 2009 at 3:07 pm | Permalink

    You’ve got me breathing that sigh – the one that sounds like I’m-glad-I-don’t-have-a-Mac. Saving my pennies for a new laptop because, you know, the one we bought three years ago is now SO LAST CENTURY.

  8. Posted July 30, 2009 at 4:36 pm | Permalink

    Thank God you’re back! I’ve just had a record shitty day and laughed for the first time while reading about the Mac!

  9. Posted July 30, 2009 at 4:49 pm | Permalink

    Welcome back. Though I’d never utter a single word that would denigrate the genius that is all things Mac (mostly out of fear of retribution from my Mac-worshipping husband), that really sucks. Your wife is awesome to let you use her computer…me? I’d never share.

  10. Mack
    Posted July 31, 2009 at 1:07 am | Permalink


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