Dishes are done, man

Dishes are done, man

Oh, the blogging I wanted to do today. I mean, when you have this much “funny” and “witty” and “sheer genius” pumping through your bloodstream 24/7, you need an outlet, you know what I’m sayin’?

But here it is, 11 p.m., and I am just now finishing a day of working, and an evening of taking care of the kids, and helping Zan do his book report (because, you know, if there’s one thing 6-year-old kids who are spending all day, five days per week, cooped up in a classroom for the first time in their short little lives need, it’s fucking homework and book reports … and, yes, I know I’m cursing, but I have to pretend in front of my son that I think homework is a GREAT IDEA! and SO MUCH FUN!, so guess what, Internet? You get to bear the brunt of my displaced hostility about the whole homework thing! You’re welcome!), and putting both kids to bed, and emptying the dishwasher, and doing the dishes, and taking the trash down to the curb — to include an assload of big, bulky, shit-we’re-getting-rid-of stuff from the basement — and so what you get instead of my special brand of world-class blogging is me ranting like a pissy little bitch about stuff that really isn’t that big of a deal, and, again: You’re welcome!

The best I could come up with was this picture, which I snapped at approximately the same moment that I heard what sounded like my daughter crying and calling out for me, and I swear to Christ, we have the kids’ monitors on every single moment of every single night except, without fail, on those occasions when they actually do wake up and are having a problem and do need Mommy and/or Daddy (to include that time a couple years ago when, just before I climbed into bed, I went to check on Zan, who was absolutely sound asleep, which was great, except something didn’t smell quite right, and as I got closer to him, something didn’t look quite right, and did he spill something in his bed, or is he bleeding, or, wait, no, sweet mother of god, he vomited in his sleep and has been rolling around in it for who knows how the hell long, and it’s a good thing we always, always, ALWAYS have his video monitor on … except, of course, on the night he hosed his bed down with puke and didn’t even wake up).

So I dashed up the stairs, where my stuffed up, sore-throat-having daughter was crying, and had apparently been doing so for long enough that she was a teary, snot-filled, dry-heaving mess. After a few minutes of holding her up in front of the toilet after she informed me she thought she was going to throw up, I got her settled down and back to sleep without any vomiting … but she’s sick, and if ever you’re on a game show, and the host asks “How many days of pre-school does it take for a 4-year-old who hasn’t been sick in months to suddenly develop a full-blown cold inside of two hours?,” the answer is “Five.” (And if you win the game with that answer, I expect to be compensated.)

And there’s the sound I love oh-so-much … the sound of a baby monitor broadcasting the pathetic cries of a sick child who drifts in and out of sleep all night, occasionally crying out, which simultaneously makes me feel terrible for the sick child and makes me wish I was completely deaf.

Nothing like following a long day with a long night, am I right?

Well, at least dumping it all on you has made me feel a little bit better. Thanks, Internet. Good night.

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  1. EthydiumB2
    Posted October 1, 2009 at 11:36 pm | Permalink

    Yay! Your sink looks like mine…I feel so absolved. Thank you – your rantings actually do help. 🙂

  2. Posted October 2, 2009 at 6:44 am | Permalink

    Um, my sink often looks like this. And I have no children. wtf?
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..because. =-.

  3. Posted October 2, 2009 at 9:02 am | Permalink

    That was pretty damn funny for someone who said he was foregoing his wit for venom! When my day comes to comfort & clean-up after a sick child, I’ll think of this post, knowing I’m not alone!
    .-= Will´s last blog ..This ‘N That =-.

  4. jef
    Posted October 2, 2009 at 9:19 am | Permalink

    at least someone is having wine.

  5. Sandy
    Posted October 2, 2009 at 9:50 am | Permalink

    I happen to like you when you’re a pissy little bitch. Ha ha. This is like every Thursday evening for us, except we only have one child to attempt to get into bed before 9 p.m. Jesus. Oh, and a book report in the first grade? This early in the year? We can barely get Nate to write his whole name on his homework when he’s done let alone a full-blown analysis on a subject, unless maybe if it were Bakugan?

  6. Stefanie
    Posted October 2, 2009 at 12:35 pm | Permalink

    I’m with ya on the homework. And from what I read now the President wants to make those days/weeks longer. Guess we as parents will get more homework b/c there’s just never enough time in a day to get it done at school. Oh no!

  7. Posted October 2, 2009 at 12:36 pm | Permalink

    Your Zan story reminded me of this time my brother was really little and snuggling in bed with my parents when he suddenly projectile vomited all over my mom’s back…and he had eaten corn on the cob earlier that night. Yeah, gross. Kids are gross.

  8. reen
    Posted October 2, 2009 at 1:29 pm | Permalink

    For a pissy little bitch you’ve somehow made me laugh anyway. 🙂

    Poor wee girl! I hear you on the monitor with sick children…no fun and makes for a looooonnng night! Stupid germs.

  9. Posted October 2, 2009 at 2:11 pm | Permalink

    I’ve had many of those days in my life as a parent. The good thing is that they pass!

    Poor sweetie, being sick is just no fun. I hope she feels better very soon!!
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..She’s a History Major =-.

  10. Posted October 2, 2009 at 5:32 pm | Permalink

    Mine is loud enough that I don’t need a monitor. Sick kids is the pits…
    .-= The Football Wife´s last blog ..Babies of the World, Unite! =-.

  11. Lynda
    Posted October 4, 2009 at 9:39 pm | Permalink

    Sick kids…. I remember when…… they can be so sick, and then rebound so quick, we should be so lucky, huh????? I remember when I didn’t feel good and went to bed and guess what? I was so sick I vomited all over my husbands back!!!! He was so weirded out but he was so loving and I felt really bad…… Damn that flu bug!!!!!! And he stayed with me for over forty years! I love your blog here.

  12. Posted October 7, 2009 at 6:32 pm | Permalink

    Love hearing it all.
    It makes me realise my home ain’t the oly one on 100 percent full speed crazy mode and just for “Fun” ADD a sick kid!

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