I know it’s been six days since I wrote a full-fledged blog entry, but if it makes you feel any better, I have desperately wanted to do so long before now, and my failure to do so has weighed upon me heavily during every waking hour of every one of those blogless days … which, seeing as how I never sleep, means I’ve suffered lots of self-imposed failure-to-blog guilt.
As I mentioned last Thursday, however, Jayna came down with a cold, and the days since have been one big ball of sleepless, coughing, nose-blowing, snot-wiping goodness.
Friday, I took a sick day so that I could tend to her while Wonder Woman was at work, and despite her illness, we still had a lovely time together; as any parent with more than one child knows, when you have an opportunity to spend a long stretch of time with just one of your children, it feels like a mini-vacation, because you don’t have to get up in anyone’s grill with the “Stop touching your brother/sister!” and “Who had that toy first?” and “It is not acceptable to hit each other!” and “If the two of you can’t behave, I will lock you each in your respective dog crates and spray you with the hose again!” (Don’t worry; I’m just kidding about that last part. I would never lock my children in dog crates and spray them with a hose. Those are two separate punishments, and I never combine them.)
Tuesday, the child still was not well enough for school, and Wonder Woman again had to work, and I didn’t want to burn off another sick day, because what if I get, like, swine flu before the end of the year and I need those sick days for my own damn self, but don’t have any left because I used them all up on behalf of my selfish children, who don’t care about my needs, which causes me to resent them for the rest of my days, creating an irreparable rift in our parent/child relationship, and what about that, huh? HUH?
So, instead, I tried juggling my work duties with my nursing duties, and that went not so awesomely. At one point, I got so desperate that I loaded Jayna into the car and drove around for 45 minutes until she fell asleep, then pulled into the parking lot at the public library, busted out my laptop and hijacked a Wi-Fi signal so I could work while she slept, which I figured would be for at least a good hour or so. My plan would have worked perfectly, except that she started having a coughing fit two minutes after I stopped the car, which woke her up, so instead of being a productive employee, I spent some quality time in the children’s reading room checking out the library’s pet gerbil, who spends his day snuggling up in a big pile of snuggly looking stuff and napping, and is it a bad sign when you find yourself wishing you were a gerbil stuck in a glass tank at a public library?
Of course, by yesterday, the cold had jumped from Jayna’s body into Zan’s, and it was pouring cats, dogs and livestock outside, so Mommy was trapped in the house all day with a pair of sick kiddos … which, on the list of “Fun Things To Do,” is right up there with wearing chopped-sirloin underwear and dropping a rabid badger down your pants.
The stir-craziness of a full day indoors culminated in a crescendo of screaming and fighting yesterday afternoon, about 15 minutes before I was scheduled to conduct a phone interview with one of the members of The Wiggles, and I’m so glad the kids quieted down by then, because something tells me it would have been bad form to beat my children whilst talking to one of The Wiggles, am I right?
Point being: until some big corporate sponsor comes along and ponies up some cash, my life occasionally will get in the way of blogging about my life.
You hear that, big corporate sponsors? Pony up, bitches. I mean, who wouldn’t want their product associated with a blog where some foul-mouthed, sleep-deprived guy talks about meting out cruel and unusual punishment to his young children?
17 Comments
HAHAHAHA…two separate punishments!!!
That SLAYS me!
Wiggles you Rock…. Went to there concert and the played Stairway to heaven for the parents.
I hate the cold this time of year, and it s F desire to make every living person sick in the house.
.-= Mark´s last blog ..Skating… forgot how fun it was. =-.
So what you’re saying is that I have so much to look forward to when I have kids!
.-= Jessica @ How Sweet It Is´s last blog ..Oooey Gooey Fudgey Brownies. =-.
Love those punishments! Wonder if my teens would fit into dog crates? Welcome to the mom’s world of not bringing your private lift to work, please!
.-= Momcat´s last blog ..Seen on the street. =-.
–>Two separate punishments made me chuckle. Hopefully those flu shots will do the trick and keep the kids healthy.
~deb
.-= WebSavyMom´s last blog ..The Spider That Sat Down Beside Her =-.
TOO FUNNY!! Hope Janna and Zan get better soon! And I hope that dad and WW don’t end up getting it!!
Kari Anne
If someone sponsors dooce, they’ll sponsor your foul mouth!!
.-= The Football Wife´s last blog ..The Great Clothing Shuffle =-.
Too funny! I know it’s not really funny but we have all been there and we are just happy it’s not us. Who would you like as a sponsor? We could go knock on their door for you, cause I mean seriously, a blog a day would be so worth it.
Hot diggety…like crate training your kids! I hope you only do that when they are at their best! LOL!
Whew…I feel much better. I thought I was the only parent who still used the old crate + hose trick!!!
You crack me up. I found you via you commenting on The Pioneer Woman a few weeks ago.
I hope your kids are feeling better and that the crud they have does not go to you or your wife.
Could their illness be from the flue shot they just received? I always get sick after a flu shot so after a few times I now refues to get them. Either way I hope all is well at your home and you are able to sleep and not clean up snot.
Oh my god, the gerbil bit nearly killed me. I really want to snuggle up in some fluffy stuff at a library right about now.
.-= Kara´s last blog ..Settled in =-.
If I were a big corporation, I would totally sponsor you.
It sucks when real life gets in the way of blogging about real life.
.-= E. Peevie´s last blog ..Premature Adjudication =-.
Love it – I always use all my sick time up on the kids too – so not fair!
there is something so ironic about wanting to “dog crate” your kids and having to interview a “Wiggle” member. yeah, Capt. Feathersword can poke at them through the grills in the crates.
Hope all are feeling better soon…when you start wanting to be the gerbil in the library, something has gotta give.
Siiiiigh. Sponsors. Can be such an unrequited romance.
.-= BOSSY´s last blog ..And Now For A Monday Straw Poll =-.
First off, Go Red Sox!! (even if they did suck this year, gotta have team spirit) First time commenting, had to throw that in there.
They make those, you know? Meat underwear. Look on Etsy. Look under Brief Jerky. HA! So quip!
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Not Quite a Tiger =-.