About four months ago, I tried to sell my kids. Except, not really.
Over the weekend, I noticed a spike in traffic to the “Kids for Sale” blog entry, and subsequently discovered that it was coming from HappilyChildFree.com and Childfreedom.com, two sites that apparently are kind of like support groups for people who have decided to not have children.
“Here is some mandatory reading for anyone considering having kids!” wrote the author of Happily Childfree. “I know he thinks this is funny, but the fact that most of it is true kinda makes it scary.”
Let’s get something straight, Happily Childfree: I don’t think what I wrote is funny; I know what I wrote is fucking hysterical … and don’t you forget it.
Childfreedom was more cognizant of my comedic brilliance: “He’s a blogger dad who’s just venting and being funny,” he/she wrote, “but you know the humor comes from the fact that it’s all true.”
Well, OK, I can’t argue with that.
Beth, one of the so-called happily childfree-ers left a comment on my “Kids for Sale” blog entry in which she wrote, “This is why I’m childfree.” Fair enough, but then she added, “And to the person who complains but is pregnant with another, you made your bed, now lie in it and stop whining.”
Someone else over at Childfreedom left a similar comment about what I had written: “Bed. Made. Lie.”
Now, if there’s one thing I’ve found to be unfathomably helpful over the past six-or-so years, it’s getting tough-love advice about how to be a parent from people who don’t have any children of their own.
You see, Happily Childfree-ers, parenting is hard. In fact, it’s more challenging than anything you’ll ever do in your entire child-free life. I can’t expect you to realize that, but trust me.
Since you don’t have children, let me ask you a question: have you ever complained about, say, your job? I’m willing to bet one of my testicles that you have … and I’m willing to bet the other of my testicles that you didn’t quit your job and say to yourself, “I’m never going to have another job,” or kept your job and said to yourself, “I can’t complain about my job because I made my bed and now I must lie in it and stop whining.”
Now, imagine something immeasurably more important to you than your job or any other thing you’ve ever possessed in your entire child-free life … something that simultaneously is the most rewarding and most difficult thing you’ve ever done. Whatever that thing is, it is neither as challenging nor as rewarding as raising a child, so you’ll just have to trust me when I tell you that you would complain about the difficulty … oh, yes, you’d complain ad nauseum … and yet, you would never in a million years want to not have that thing about which you were complaining.
The complaining and the having-kids-anyway is the way it works, my little ones … and you should be damn glad for it, because if the only choice we were offered was to either have kids and not complain about them, or to not have kids at all, then the human race would be fucked.
So, since I apparently wrote something that, at first blush, appeared to be a manifesto for why people shouldn’t have children, allow me to balance things out a bit.
Here’s an excerpt from the first letter I wrote to my son on this blog:
Your ability to test my patience is nothing short of spectacular. You often are not interested in doing what your mother and I ask of you, and you protest with all the fury of a crack-smoking banshee when you don’t get your way.
All of that washes away, however, when you spontaneously say “I love you, Daddy,” which is something you have taken to doing in the past couple of months. In the moment after you utter that sentence, you could ask me for a pony and I would get it for you. I’m glad you haven’t figured that out yet.
I cannot tell you what an absolutely humbling experience it is to have your unconditional love.
I cannot properly describe how much I love you. Spread your arms as wide as you can and say, “This big, Daddy?” No, even more than that.
I cannot put into words how blessed I feel that you are my son.
Here are a couple of photos that maybe do a better job of illustrating what I mean than words ever could:
In closing, childfree-ers: I respect your decision to not have children; in fact, I think the world is probably much better off when people who know they do not have the capacity to be a parent don’t become one anyway. But please, don’t assume parenthood is a bad thing just because I complain about it. Those complaints are more than offset by the depth and breadth of the incomparable love I feel for my children, and the incredible experience it has been to make and raise them with the woman I love.
If given the chance to go back and be child free, or be exactly where I am right now, I wouldn’t change a single thing.
83 Comments
I had a friend and her husband, she is a big-deal-career-first-VP and he works out of the house. They had a choice between adopting a child or remodeling the deck…really, was gonna cost about the same dollars, oh what to do? Being as they can hardly handle feeding their cat, I was all for the deck remodel. Some people shouldn’t be parents. You on the other hand are stellar. Keep up the good work. Love to hear you vent. thanks…jb
Right on! And well said.
Totally awesome post. I read your well-deserved rants and think “Damn, I can’t wait to have kids,” because frankly (among all other reasons), people that vent about their psychological meltdowns due to children are WAY LESS CRAZY than people that vent about their psychological meltdowns due to pets. I’d currently put myself in the latter of those categories, haha.
You always make me laugh; this time you made me cry.
.-= Mere´s last blog ..What You Say and Do Will…. =-.
Just discovered your blog off dooce, and I love it! This post was wonderful. I would never go back either. I would never even consider how wonderful it would be, except perhaps if I wanted to lay on the couch all day I might think about considering imagining it, but then I wouldn’t.
–>What a great post. I wouldn’t trade being a parent for anything although there are times I just want to remember what it feels like to not be responsible for anyone but myself for maybe a hour….okay, a day……..a week?
~deb
.-= WebSavyMom´s last blog ..Flashback Friday (Part 34) – What Happens in Vegas… =-.
Good for you man.
.-= Casey´s last blog ..Lemon Rosemary Palmiers =-.
I’m glad to read this. I have a 12 week old and it’s so hard, I had no idea. This makes me feel a little better.
You said it well! What wonderful pictures!
For every complaint I ever had about my child, there were hundreds of moments of joy. Spontaneous hugs, silly smiles, creative stories, tickle fights, crafts, cooking, wet kisses and more “I love you mommys” than I could ever count. Later on, she sang and excelled in high school and is now in college making me proud each and every day.
I wouldn’t give it up for any thing. Ever.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Thinkin’ Pink =-.
Perfectly written and well said.
They wouldn’t know humor even if it slapped them in the face! I for one love your blog, and you say what all parents have felt at one time or another! Don’t stop what you do so well.
.-= Calamity Anne´s last blog ..This Ol’ Gal Needs a Break… =-.
I stumbled upon your blog just recently and have been reading a lot! You have so eloquently, poetically, realistically put into words me and my husbands personal experiences w raising our own. THANK YOU!
It truly shows how immense the love, you have for your children. What lucky kids!
I have been reading your blog for a while & I love how you describe your children. Even in the moments you are pulling out hair, banging head on wall, etc…You can just see in all of your words how much you love them. I think that’s just part of being a parent. I have 3 kids who are my WORLD! I love them to absolute pieces & wouldn’t trade them for anything. I have threatened to sell them on ebay, ship em to my parents, ship em to Antarctica, or where ever is farther. I actually tell them this…what do my kids do? They laugh at me…Smile their cute smiles, their beautiful eyes just sparkle, & laugh their infectious & amazing laugh….I forget ’bout shipping em or selling em. & Smile to myself & know that I could never ever live without them. I don’t even know how I lived without them before. Personally, I’m thankful their are more parents like you around. Because I, for one, can relate to so much of what you say.
Ahhhh…Being a Parent!
It is all hardwork.
Parenting is easy if you have an easy child,so they say!
I have three endless bounless energised kids.
This wears me out.Yes I complain,Whine and keep on doing what I always do.
Loving them so deeply it hurst,Caring for them,It is all consuming,Protecting them and Playing games,sharing hugs and smiles.
So whilst we complain,We still daily take up the Gauntlet to keep raising these precious babes with all we have left in us!
The difference is we Know what it was to be”Without” Children and We know What it is to be “With” Children.
So our perspectives are rather less Clouded…
Keep on keeping on Daddy!
With this AND the sucky Sox, you don’t need it, man. Non carborundum illegitimi.
Well said….it’s a hard job and it suck sometimes but in the grand scheme of things it’s worth it.
That would have made me furious, you handled it a lot better than I would have done:)
.-= Dan´s last blog ..Yorkshire Three Peak Challenge =-.
Well said! And the child-free support group thing is hilarious. What do you think they do? Sit around and complain about other people’s children and talk about how great their lives are? “Today I went to dinner and DIDN’T BRING A DIAPER BAG.” Actually, that sounds great. Sign me up.
I’m going to start a support group for something I’m choosing not to do, too. It’s a support group for people who don’t go hang-gliding.
We often talked about how we could get good money for Son #1 on Ebay (not anymore – he’s 2 1/2 and everyone knows that depreciation really accelerates at 23 months). And now whenever Son #1 asks “Where’s Son #2?” my husband tells him that we put him on Ebay. Parenting: Very serious business. Not funny at all.
Like everone else, while said. done with your classic sense of humour
.-= Mark´s last blog ..Happy Turkey Weekend =-.
And then come grandchildren. Which you can’t have if you don’t have kids first. And you think having kids is fun and rewarding? Just wait till the grandkids arrive. (-:
.-= toadmama´s last blog ..Our First Full House =-.
Awesome response. Clearly the “Happily Childfree-ers” haven’t read anything else on your blog because it’s soooo obvious how much you love your children (and your wife). In fact, I “copied” your idea of writing a letter to your child on the blog for their birthday. I was so moved by the ones you posted for your kids, I wanted to do it too. (of course, I am not the talented writer that you are)
By the way, the pic of you and Jayna is absolutely precious. There’s something special about a daddy-daughter relationship.
.-= Carla´s last blog ..A Little Something I Made =-.
If they are so happy with their decision to be child-free, why do they need a support group? I have no problem with people choosing to be child-free. I think they get to spend a huge amount of time and money on just themselves. That sounds great to me for oh, the first 10 years of marriage, (we made it to 7 years child-free before we decided to produce offspring), but then it sounds a little boring and a smidge narcissistic. My child cried for the first 3 months of his life and I tried to give him to foster care…if any child will induce a fear of having children, he was it, but the experience of raising a child is so amazing, we’re gearing up to try for another (with the assumption and hope that lightning doesn’t strike twice). Besides, we have children and sometimes get to go back child-free…its called babysitters. Anyway, my long comment to say GREAT POST.
Well put!
What is it with these child-free protestors? They think it’s hilarious to crawl from parenting site to site and make absurd comments just to rile everyone up. Scary indeed. What puts the fear in me are the people like that who actually do have kids but not the balls to raise them properly. THAT’S scary.
Those who don’t have children, should NOT tell us what we are doing wrong. I have experienced that myself! Just because this person is a teacher turned principal (yes…and has NO kids of her own and is in her late 50′s), she thinks she knows it all about raising kids…don’t get me wrong…I love her to death…she was one of my principals in HS… But if you choose NOT to have kids, that’s great…it’s what you want…but don’t tell others they should do this or that…
Sorry…got on a rant about it… LOVE what you write about!! And I COMPLETELY agree with you…if I were to go back and do it all over again…I wouldn’t change ANYTHING AT ALL!!!
~Kari Anne~
.-= Kari Anne´s last blog ..…BLAH/BAD DAY… =-.
Very well done…… Parenting is hard, the hardest thing in life…but I would not change a single thing. You always worry, are we as parents teaching them values that will take them through their life. And you know what we did a pretty good job. I am proud of my kids, they respect others, are strong and just good all around adults now.
You rock!
You kicked those child-free idiots to the ground!
You say it so well. I think it is really hard to understand the complicated job/role of parenting until you are in it. Nothing in my life has been so wonderful and yet so infuriating at the same time. In all of the difficulty, and frustration, and the whining (oh the whining) never once have I questioned my decision to have my 2 girls. That is saying something. Keep blogging about your parenting woes so the rest of us know we are not alone.
.-= maggie´s last blog ..The wedding =-.
It surprises me that someone would read your stories and think that because of those types of experiences being a parent, would make them think that it validates their choice to be childless. Almost as if they haven’t got minds of their own.
The rewards of being a parent will always be the greatest experiences of my life. My kids bring me more fun, laughter, pride, love, education, etc etc, than anything I’ve ever done in my life.
Feel a little sad for people who choose not to have that in their life.
Wow. Just, wow. And strange. To view hilarious posts about the insanity that is parenting as a validation for not having kids…I think that might be filed under “narcissism.”
My child-free brother plans to climb a mountain next year, and I am proud of him. I totally respect his and his wife’s decision to not have children, but I can’t imagine him needing a support group around that choice.
Meanwhile, I will be climbing a mountain of laundry, and driving a Grand Prix of drop-offs and pick-ups, and…well, you get the picture. I wouldn’t trade places with him…except when I would. How’s 4 p.m. sound?
.-= E. Peevie´s last blog ..What To Do About a Lying Child =-.
that was beautiful. but, shit – man. i don’t read your blog to CRY!
.-= aimee´s last blog ..in the car =-.
Your analogy to having a job is spot-on. Any undertaking, any job including parenting, building a house, growing a garden, starting a business…anything worthwhile that we choose to take on and has nothing to complain about is…well, it doesn’t EXIST, that’s what.
Keep up the great work, Daddy!
Wowee! Yay for moms and dads! Parenting isn’t for sissies.
.-= Momcat´s last blog ..Seen on the streets – Plant Man =-.
Your a lucky man! AND you’re family is lucky to have you too.
I’ve had run-ins with these child-free-ers before. And I’m not talking about people who choose not to have children. One of my best friends and her husband are child-free by choice. But there’s a difference between being childfree, and belonging to this childfree movement where every parent’s post or comment about diaper changes reinforces this strange need they have to stand up and be counted as superior to those of us doing the diaper changing. I just don’t understand why these people can’t just be childfree but not be an asshat.
.-= kim´s last blog ..Utah bound =-.
You go DADDY! Love this post and thank you.
Great response! Sorry about your Sox, but I have to say “Go Angels”!
I wouldn’t take the time to read this site if I felt like you were “sincerely” complaining about being a parent. The humor you infuse in your stories conveys the feeling that Parenting is hard, but you have the reserves to slog through the difficult parts and still laugh about it! The people who take themselves too seriously, childfree or not, are the ones I worry about (and avoid like the plague).
I am childless and not by choice but by lack of husband. I read your stories about screaming vomit in the middle of the night, melt downs at the zoo, the beyond exhaustion worries, walks on the beach, the wonderful parent child moments and I envy you for each one. I know you love them all.
.-= Ferngoddess´s last blog ..The Drama =-.
I went over and checked them out.. and I have to say there are some weird people out there. I have a lot of friends that have kids of various ages and I have a friend that doen’t have children and she doesn’t want any. I see nothing wrong with that, it’s a personal choice but she doesn’t go on ranting about not having kids or about people that do have kids. Infact some of her closest friends have kids.
That web site isn’t about being kid free, it’s anti-children.
I wouldn’t worry overmuch about what they say or post on your site, anybody with half a brain can see how much you love Zan and Jayna.
I’ve known my whole life that I don’t want kids. People have always told me I’d change my mind as I got older. Welp, I’m 38 and that hasn’t happened. Still, I adore your blog and reading about your relationship with your kids. It’s so special, and I’m thankful you share your stories and writing talent will us all.
.-= val´s last blog ..I love clever movies =-.
You have such a way with words! Well said.
I love the honesty that comes out in your writing. Parenthood is tough, no doubt the hardest job I have ever had, but also the most rewarding. I love all three of my “Turds” as I like to call them, they give my life purpose and meaning and an abundance of pure joy and happiness. I wouldn’t change a thing, even on the days when I just want to trade them in for more well behaved models!
BRAVO!!!! Well put….
People have a right to their choices and they alone ultimately will have to live with the consequences. Over the years I have met many confident career couples who have quietly, on their own, determined that their lives are too busy or too complicated to bring children into the mix. I have always respected their decision and it seems they lead complete and happy lives confident that their decision was the right one. The people who need the crutch of a support group to reassure them that they are “ok” in their choice are the very people who SHOULD NOT have children anyway, so hey, good on them! My beef is when people become “preachy and smug” in their attitude looking down on others exercising different choices from their own and picking apart and misrepresenting issues to bolster their own decisions. If these support groups view your blog as the “very reason NOT to have kids” they missed the boat, in a huge way. Your anecdotal account of daily life in fact demonstrates the exact opposite and graphically describes a tremendously loving and devoted family circle. The love you share and describe in your blog is truly enviable. People who have raised children can identify with the daily “trials” but I for one cannot imagine going back and changing our decision based on these bumps in the road. The valuable rewards outweigh the challenges by tons! Oh, and your analogy of the workplace is so bang on!
You rock.
If you don’t have kids, you can’t imagine what it feels like to love something so totally, completely and unconditionally.
For those that choose not to have kids, more power to them, although it always makes me feel sad as I know what they’re missing out on.
I love your blog – and today’s post was no exception. I think you put so elequently that the love that overwhelms us as we have and raise children overrides the poop explosions, the poop on the rugs and all the other “messy” parts of being a parent. It is so obvious to me that you are head over heels in love with your kids and they are blessed to have you as their daddy – and you are blessed to have them!
All those “child-free” folks probably make their dogs wear clothes & send out holiday cards with their pet ferret on them.
Being a parent is the most difficult & most rewarding job I’ve ever experienced. I would kill for some more sleep around this house, but then she calls me “Mama” and I forget about everything else.
.-= The Football Wife´s last blog ..The Ninth Green & Me – a Halloween Story =-.
BRAVO!!!!! Keep writing it exactly the way you always have and keep me laughing!!
Excellent post! I love reading your posts about your kids. You clearly care and love them tons.
.-= Wendy´s last blog ..State Fair of Texas! =-.
I mostly agree with what you said, except for one assumption I think you’re making.
As a childfree person, I don’t actually mind if the human race “is totally fucked” b/c everyone stops having children. That’s actually ok with me. It would certainly be easier on the rest o’ the creatures.
We’re still on the fence…and your insight…well, it didn’t help me decide because, well, it isn’t all MY decision…
We’re in a weird place…13 year age gap…I’m “starting” a career…he’s well on his way…and we have no idea what a child would do to us. I’m afraid. I think that’s the truth. Total. Fear.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..i hate crucks. they look like aliens. =-.
I’m childfree (though I don’t intend on always being that way). . . and I’d never in a million years say such a thing to a parent. Even without my own children, I can imagine how angering it would be to read that.
.-= Corry´s last blog ..Stigma =-.
Can I just say that someone else I know tweeted about you and I love this post. It is totally true about how they can drive you up the wall, insane, and then they smile at you or open their arms for a hug or give you that “look” of love and it’s over. I say to my almost 2 year old son all the time, “It’s a good thing you are so cute or you’d be dead meat.”
My daughter is 9… she was cute too… which is why she is still living at 9. Kudos to you for finding the time to write about your ups and downs. I’ll definitely be a reader.
*correction, my 9 year old daughter IS cute.
I also have chosen to be childfree. This was an incredibly difficult and personal decision, as is the decision to have children. I love kids and have several in my life in the form of nieces, nephews, cousins and the list goes on. And even though I love them, I still don’t feel called to raise one of my own. It’s not narcissism or selfishness or anything like that. Just like so many of you feel called to raise children and have those experiences that are wonderful for you, I feel called in a different direction. Both choices, to parent or not to parent, are perfectly valid and both can be loving and thoughtful decisions.
I don’t agree with militant child-free folks either, but when I was in the process of making the decision I did notice that some well-meaning parents would not hesitate to offer their opinion as to how I would be missing out and how I’m signing up for regret and so on. And that’s just as unfair as me, a person without kids, telling parents how to raise their kids. I think that’s where the “support” blogs come in. Unfortunately, some of those blogs come across as angry rantings rather than a celebration of the many different lifestyle choices available to us.
Your blog is wonderful and it is really clear that you love and enjoy your kids. And I am so grateful for people like you bringing kids into the world and giving them wonderful lives full of love and laughter. You are making a wonderful contribution. And so am I, just in a different way
I’m an AVID reader of your blog. I read it for the pure simple fact that you give me light at the end of the tunnel! Ours is 5 months old w/ a swallowing disorder and reflux. Having him has been the absolute hardest thing EVER. Not because the work is that hard, but because the stakes are so high. You mess up this human being, it’s not only for the rest of your life, but his as well. So the Child free people can be happy in their child free worlds. They’ll never know the absolute joy you feel when your child is crying their eyes out, but one look from you and they grin and giggle.
Laura (#53):
Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
I could not have said it better. Thank you.
Oh, and Jessica (#49): If you aren’t sure, don’t. Just wait until you know 100%. Children know if they were born to parents who didn’t want them. Speaking from personal experience.
Daddy Scratches is not one of those people, obviously (which is why I read this blog). The love on these “pages” makes me long for the paternal love I never got. Sorry, that sounds kind of creepy, but I swear it isn’t.
“Now, if there’s one thing I’ve found to be unfathomably helpful over the past six-or-so years, it’s getting tough-love advice about how to be a parent from people who don’t have any children of their own.”
Thank you for this entire post, but thank you especially for this. Brilliant.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Not Quite a Tiger =-.
Brilliantly stated! I’m currently a WAHM, but I was director of a small company before having children – parenting is MUCH harder but I would never, ever, trade it. I appreciate the license to complain from time to time, though.
I had some visitor on my blog saying how she hates how us “moo breeders” always complain. I was just happy to get some new visitors…..sad, i know
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Ditch day =-.
Very well said. I love that your blog is honest about the struggles of parenthood. We all have such different, and yet such similar experiences.
A ChildFree person will never experience:
What it is like when a newborn responds to your voice, because it is a sound they recognize.
What it is like to look into the face of a child and realize you would lay down your life without a second thought.
How it feels to rock a sick child to sleep, feeling them draw every last bit of energy out of you, and you being so grateful to give it.
They will never understand how humbling it is to have a small child tell you that you made a mistake, and then offer up forgiveness without hesitation.
Things us Child Having people can’t imagine never experiencing.
AMEN! Love it – well said – and point made! Who cares what the others think or opinions they give. Your blog is about your life and you know what it’s all about!
.-= Cindy´s last blog ..When it rains…it pours… =-.
We childfree people know exactly what we are missing by not having kids. That is exactly why we choose not to have them. Any list of things such as Sue V.’s is easily dismissed by us childfree people because all the items fall into one or both of the following categories:
(1) What you describe as positive things we childfree see as purely negative or at best having zero positive value.
(2) Even if we childfree see them as positive, we can get them from other places which do not have any negatives attached to them.
Instead, we childfree see our lifestyle choice as having only positive traits. For me, being childfree enabled me to retire last year at the age of 45, something which would have been impossible if I had kids. And what do I do with my newly found economic freedom? I can do more volunteer work with several area schools.
We childfree see having kids as a purely negative experience, such as those in your June “For Sale” blog entry. We see having less money, the loss of peace and quiet, the loss of personal freedom, and the addition of stinky diapers in our lives if we had kids. THAT is what we are missing when we chose not to have kids.
Having kids, unlike a job or a car or a house, is an irreversible lifestyle choice. If you don’t like one of those things, you can give it up and get a different one. (Or, with me and my job, I can simply retire. You would lose that testicle you wanted to bet!) If you have kids and then wish you hadn’t, you can’t give them back or undo that lifestyle decision. We childfree know this and know in advance that we don’t want to put ourselves in that situation.
We childfree also don’t like getting bingoed by the childed. “Bingoes” are the endless things we childfee are told the childed to belittle our lifestyle choice. Sue V.’s, “You don’t know what you are missing” is an example of one.
One doesn’t have to be childed to comment on an example of bad parenting. Does one have to be childed to know you don’t leave a kid to die in a locked car in warm weather? Does one have to be childed to know you should not drive while drunk and high like Diane Schuler was (not that driving drunk and high is a good idea if there are no kids in the car)? If the childed bring their misbehaving kids to places which are inappropriate for them and annoy everyone around them (including responsible parents who left their kids at home with a sitter), why can’t we childfree respond that our activities are being ruined by the childed and their bad parenting? We don’t have to simply sit back and shut up. And we won’t.
I really appreciate this post, especially as someone who, at 38, recently decided to have her first child. He’s due in a few months and I can hardly wait for these new experiences. And, like you, I wouldn’t change a thing!
.-= Tabitha (From Single to Married)´s last blog ..Experiencing A Change in Seasons =-.
It seems odd to me to define your life by what you don’t want. Having children or not is a personal choice, but the delight that some child-free people seem to take in pointing out the difficulties in raising children seems mean spirited.
Deegee,
For every argument that you give for us “childed” to not “bingo” you, do you not realize you’re doing the same thing in reverse? Personally, if you don’t want to have children, that’s your choice for what’s best for you. We chose to have children. I see the benefits on both sides, yes you have more sleep, money, etc. But, I have the joy of grins and giggles, the ability to show something new to this little guy EVERY day and see his pure wonderment, and to do things I haven’t done in years (play w/ toys) so that he gets the happy childhood he deserves. I have friends who are child free, and that’s fine, that’s what makes them happy. But, they also don’t demean my decision to have children. Most of us w/ children knew in advance what we were getting into, and chose the good and the bad. You may think you know exactly what you’re missing, but there’s no amount of words that would allow anyone to give you an idea of what the love that you feel for that child feels like when they first look at you. I applaud your lifestyle if it makes you happy, but don’t bemean mine if it makes me happy. Just remember for every insult you throw at us, your throwing them at your parents. They chose to be “childed”.
In response to deegee, I believe you misquoted me. “You don’t know what you are missing” was never in my statement – that is how you took it. I was commenting on situations that most parents have experienced, and having experienced them we can’t imagine our life without those moments. I am not attacking you. Your defensive response suggests that my statements angered you. I am supporting other childed people on a blog that clearly supports the childed. I understand an individual’s choice to be childfree, and often wish more people would have the fore thought to make that choice.
Regarding your following statement, I have to ask (out of pure curiosity)
“Any list of things such as Sue V.’s is easily dismissed by us childfree people because all the items fall into one or both of the following categories:
(1) What you describe as positive things we childfree see as purely negative or at best having zero positive value.
(2) Even if we childfree see them as positive, we can get them from other places which do not have any negatives attached to them.”
What it is like when a newborn responds to your voice, because it is a sound they recognize.
Category 1 or 2?
What it is like to look into the face of a child and realize you would lay down your life without a second thought.
Category 1 or 2?
How it feels to rock a sick child to sleep, feeling them draw every last bit of energy out of you, and you being so grateful to give it.
I am guessing category 1, as having to deal with a sick child would have zero positive value in your eyes.
They will never understand how humbling it is to have a small child tell you that you made a mistake, and then offer up forgiveness without hesitation.
Category 1 or 2?
Amber, it is not the same when a childed person says to a childfree one, “You should have children because …..” versus when a childfree person says to a childed person, “I don’t want to have children because …..” [I DO know what I am missing, and your alleged benefits offer ZERO value to me (so I can't possibly be missing anything worthwhile to ME). You have to get out the mindset that YOUR benefits of being childed will be MY benefits.]
In the former, the childed person is trying to convince the childfree one that his decision is a bad one and that s/he shoud live his the life the way the childed one is living it. In the latter, the childfree person is defending his decision to live his life the way he wants to. They are not the same types of statements.
Consider these two arguments for buying a car or not:
(a) “YOU should buy a car because it offers YOU freedom and mobility.”
(b) “I do NOT want to buy a car because of the costs of maintaining and insuring it as well as the nuisances of parking it in my area.”
In (a), the speaker is trying to convince someone else to buy a car. In (b), the speaker is defending his decision and is NOT trying to convince the other speaker NOT to buy a car. If speaker (a) simply said, “I like my car because is offers ME freedom and mobility,” then that would inoffensive. But the original (a) IS offensive because it tries to dictate to others how they should live their lives.
Sue V., all of your situations fall into Category 1. They present zero or negative value to me and I seek to avoid them at all costs. [Don't you seek to avoid putting yourself into situation which offer zero or negative benefits?] An example of Category 2 is my volunteer work I do at several area schools. I actually DO enjoy working with some well-behaved kids on a limited basis. I get my “kid fix” that way but don’t need to be around them 24/7 to get it.
I was reading a post by Mrs. G on Pioneer Woman today and thinking I should finally get around to commenting that I just love Mrs. G and “thanks Pioneer Woman for putting her on your site” when I saw your little link that said “Books”. As an avid reader, I couldn’t resist the urge to click. I must say, I’m glad I did. In the few minutes I’ve spent perusing your blog (while I should be working), I’m already smitten (and have added a few books to my Amazon wish list – thanks!).
Deegee,
“But the original (a) IS offensive because it tries to dictate to others how they should live their lives.”
I think I said many times that the decision should be whatever makes you happy. If you want to talk offensive, having someone come an blanket all kids as nuisances is offensive. Their a nuisance to you, but to me their not. Maybe YOU should get out of the mindset that every action that a child does that you label as a ‘nuisance’, parents label as one of the joys of parenting. Daddy Scratches, while highlighting a behavior that’s a nuisance at the time, will probably also tell you that those times were also incredibly worthwhile to him. Of course, it’s also a nuisance to listen to someone who has absolutely no clue about a parents feelings tell them how much of a nuisance a child is.
Full disclosure: I’m childfree and I loved your original “For Sale” blog post. As with most humor, it was funny because it does touch on the truth – having kids is exhausting, frazzling and insane work that many parents still find to be balanced out the joys they get from being parents. Humor is how a lot of us deal with tough situations and as Carrie Fisher’s written in her memoir, “If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true and that’s unacceptable.” I personally don’t understand it, but then again, I don’t expect everyone else to understand why I love triathlon training even though it leaves me exhausted, with little free time and in a perpetual state of soreness. I liked your post because it was funny, true, and there was no “but it’s so worth it” statement tagged on the end to justify the difficulty of being a parent. I don’t think it had to be because it’s already implied – if you didn’t find parenting to be worth it, you wouldn’t be writing funny blog posts and you’d probably be gone.
Personally, this is why I think some of the childfree blogs linked to your post – it was a good read, and for some childfree readers, touched upon a few reasons why we’ve decided not to have kids in an amusing, self-deprecating way that lacked the usual smug “but it’s soooo worth it” tone that I’ve found to accompany similar posts. I don’t think it was meant to be a “LOOK!! This is why it’s BAD to have kids!!” kind of thing.
For the most part, I have no problem with people making the choice to have children and assume most people who do become parents have only done so after a lot of soul-searching and planning and fully accept the huge amount of sacrifice and work that will go into parenting. I’m in my 30s and starting to see many friends getting pregnant with their first children and I’m very happy for them because I know how much thought they’ve put into their decision. Conversely, because of my age and the fact that I’m married, I’ve begun to notice a hell of a lot more pressure exerted on me and other friends who have chosen to be childfree over our choices, because “we’ll change our minds,” “you’re not really grown up until you have kids,” “it will be the most important thing you’ll EVER do,” etc. I understand that some of these “bingos” come from a well-meaning place, that a lot of parents love being parents and can’t immediately understand why other people wouldn’t want to make the same choice, but as some other childfree posters here have stated, those “bingos” can be delivered with a lot of smug condescension that can frankly be insulting. Yes, the decision to not have kids doesn’t necessarily make me better than someone who does have kids, but that respect is a two-way street and more often than not, those of us who are childfree have to put up with a lot of being treated like second-class citizens whose accomplishments and contributions are discounted because we don’t want children of our own.
It’s also irritating to see that while people who chose to have children are rarely asked to defend that choice – most likely they’re celebrated for it – those of us who chose not to have kids are more often put on the defensive and often called everything from “irresponsible” to “reprehensible” to “child-haters” and vilified for our decision. I agree that the more militant childfree could tone it down – not all parents are “breeders” or “moos” or self-satisfied jerks who think their ability to reproduce makes them better than everyone else and don’t bother to discipline their unruly kids (for example, I’ll get irritated if my dinner out’s being interrupted by some screaming child, but I won’t get mad as long as I can tell that the parents are trying their best to calm the child down, it’s only when the parents blithely sit there and expect everyone else to put up with it because “that’s what kids do” that I get mad) – but I can also see where that frustration and anger comes from. It’s hard not to get angry when you feel like you’re on the constant defensive because of a simple choice not to have kids.
That’s why a lot of childfree blogs exist – in the same way that a lot of parenting blogs provide support for parents by showing that there are so many others going through similar trials raising their kids so they don’t feel alone, the childfree blogs are a place for the childfree to talk to others who’ve gone through similar trials in making their decision and/or because of being childfree. The difference is, having kids is the accepted & even expected cultural standard; being childfree is obviously not as accepted and honestly we get a lot of flack for our decision. Some of the blogs can turn into angry echo chambers, but the same thing can happen on parenting blogs – I’ve read a lot of comments here making blanket statements about childfree people. For example, just because we don’t want kids of our own doesn’t mean we all don’t like kids at all – I love spending time with my nieces and nephews and as I consider my friends family, I consider their kids family, and love spending time with them, too, and I know many childfree people who feel the same – some of them are even *gasp!* wonderful teachers.
For the most part, I’ve read some very thought-provoking discussions on childfree blogs between both childfree & childed readers. Yes, childed readers are welcome to post on a lot of those blogs and I’ve found much of the discussions to be civil and respectful. I’m childfree and I still enjoy reading & occasionally commenting on parenting blogs like FreeRangeKids; I find what I’ve read here to be interesting and would like to continue reading and occasionally commenting on posts I find interesting as well.
Hey deegee,
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!! Oh, and BLAH!!!!!!
Hmmm, Amber, why is that nonparents who criticize parenting are not relevant even though in many other areas of life non-doers criticize the doers? Movie critics criticize movies and actors even though they are not actors or movie producers. Sportswriters criticize pro athletes even though they are not athletes themselves. Why do parents get a free pass from criticism of nonparents?
And the childfree work with kids all the time. Some teachers are childfree, yet they teach children and discipline them in thei classrooms. That teenaged girl down the street is childfree, yet she watches your kids when you go out. Would you disallow the childfree from working with kids because we don’t have any?
I don’t have to be a parent to know how much of a nuisance a stinky diaper is. I don’t have to be a parent to know how much of a nuisance a screaming child is. Do parents find these nuisances, too? Or do they find them part of the price they pay to have kids? Or both?
Hmmmmm, deegee, give it a rest…. will you! You are soooooo far off base from what the original story is….Go criticize and critique on someone else’ blog.
Your responses are boring and uneducated. You sound so silly trying to make comparisons and convince everyone. Go back to your child free, retired, diaperless, quiet, wonderful life.
OK, gotta run, I “WANT” to go play Candyland with my 4 year old, and I think I just might let her win tonight. Shhhhhh! She told me today that she thinks “I’m beautiful”, and then told me “I make her heart beat super happy”….then she hugged me and I gave her kisses all over her face. God, I love her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can cut the condescencion here with a knife. I’m so sorry we make you sad because we’re missing out on your childed lifestyle. I’ll cry myself to sleep in my quiet, clean house. Breeders.
I was directed here via Childfreedom. I didn’t come to your blog to make trouble, though. I’m a proud SAHM, as a matter of fact. I have to side with some of the childfree-ers, though. SOME, not all. I think in our parental bliss we often become blinded by the fact that the world doesn’t just revolve around us and our little ones. Making statements like being a parent is “the most important thing ever in life” and “they wouldn’t understand” is exactly why many CF’ers break out the claws. I would be defensive, too, if a group of people were constantly telling me how small and unimportant I was for not having followed their course in life. I won’t assume that’s what you meant, because in text it’s really hard to tell. This post was kind of harsh, is all I’m saying.
If you’re just venting, though, please disregard this comment and I’ll shuffle my bare feet back into the kitchen. ; )
CF_chick, you are so right. The condescension IS thick enough to cut with a knife.
Maybe if children were not rammed down our throats every chance that presents itself, we would not have to have “support groups”. But my partner and I cannot even go out for a romantic meal for two without hearing some shreiking toddler or baby that should by all rights be at home, asleep. Constantly we encounter children in what should be adult venues. But if we compain, it’s “da ebil childfree”. We’ve been forced to go to extremely high-end restaurants to eat because the people who frequent those restaurants don’t drag their children everywhere and those who do bring their children along have taught them some manners.
Our entire culture is “children this, children, that” and the childfree are sick and tired of your “bingoes” and your insistence that children be imposed everywhere, even where they do not belong. We do not impose ourselves on your world except to comment in our own defense but you want children every****ingwhere and to hell with the right of others to an enjoyable time out.
So Andrea, you can take your condescension and put it someplace. If all you can look forward to is playing “Candyland” with your four-year-old, I pity you. Now excuse me whilst I go feed my mind and soul with something interesting.
Wow, you write just like Dave Barry. I hate Dave Barry. Almost as much as I hate “Candyland” but that’s neither here nor there. Oh, and kids suck.
Ugly kids your balljuice created. Gross.
@CF_chick
word.
I came here via a childfree blog and I will second (third, fourth) the reasons other childfree people gave for why we need those blogs despite being secure in our decision. When I realized I wasn’t called to parenting and that I could choose a life without children, it liberated me and brought me joy. I wasn’t frustrated until I started hearing what the “breeders” (as opposed to “parents”) had to say. So I sought out childfree blogs.
My mom recently gave me some of the bingoes people are throwing on this comment wall, and everything she said absolutely did not convince me. For example:
“There is nothing like the joy you experience when you have a life growing inside you.”
The thought of a human being growing inside me, sucking out my storage of iron, calcium, folic acid (and other vitamins and minerals), shifting my organs into completely different directions, stretching my fist-sized uterus to the size of a watermelon, kicking my insides to the point where it might burst my water bag, throwing my hormones out of whack to the point where I might have post-partum depression, disgusts me. My mother did admit that pregnancy as well as a clueless dentist were the reasons why she had dentures in her 30′s. We leeched all her calcium.
“There is nothing like a child saying ‘I love you/am so proud of you Mommy!”
I just don’t need to hear that to feel affirmed, loved or worthy. I’m a pre-k teacher and get hugs daily from kids. I feel more joy when my students finally “get” something I’ve been teaching them than when they say, “I love you, Teacher!” Also, I get called “Mommy” several times a week, which freaks me out. My assistant is actually a mom but they never call her “Mom.” It boggles my mind. How am I more motherly than a “real” mother, especially when she is more than ten years my senior?
“But if you don’t have children, the family tree will end with you.”
“No it won’t, Mom. My cousin had a kid and I’m sure he’ll have more. And [my sister] will probably have kids. And my half-brother will probably have kids. And my cousin who is getting married will probably have kids..”
“But your branch of the tree will end. Your DNA won’t live on.”
What’s so great about my DNA that it MUST be passed on? How is my DNA more special than anyone elses?
“But you’re the healthiest out of all of us.”
I’m healthy because it’s good to be healthy, not because I’m saving up for pregnancy. And I have no clue of how much pregnancy could throw my current health out-of-whack.
“But you’re a teacher. You know more about child development than any of us!”
Yes, I know a lot about child development BECAUSE I’M A TEACHER and STUDIED IT IN COLLEGE. I wasn’t taking child development courses as some sort of preparation for parenting. Those were some really expensive parenting classes!
She then proceeded to say that a woman is not a full woman until she’s had children, and I just stopped the argument there, because we were coming from opposite places. Clearly the saying is true: “East is east, and west is west, and never the twain shall meet.” There really was no way she was going to understand my point of view.
The bottom line is that yeah, the bingoes are condescending and fall on deaf ears. Sorry it took so long to get to that bottom line.
And for the record, I never questioned this dad’s love for his kids. I believe it’s possible to love your kids but hate the job of parenting (I see this among some of my single parent friends). I’m not saying this blogger hates the “job” but loves his kids. However, because I separate the job from the actual kids, I don’t think less of a parent who posts a “Kids for Sale” blog.
You know what, I have no problem with people choosing to be childfree or whatever, but trolling blogs and posting comments that you hate all of us “moo cows” doesn’t help your cause.
.-= kim´s last blog ..…aaaaaand we’re back. =-.
Like Christine, I get some joy from the interaction I have with kids in my volunteer work, work I have been able to do only because I reduced my work hours until I eventually retired last year.
My volunteer work is with the School Scrabble program. Now in my 9th year, I visit several area schools and give them tips on how to improve their Scrabble game. I hold seminars and run tournaments. I have a stack of letters from happy middle school kids thanking me for my seminar. Another school’s group of kids gave me a plaque and wrote me a poem. I enjoy seeing the smiles on their faces when they tell me stories about how my tips helped them win a game. One of my tips “games” is having them try to match wits with me when I replay an actual game I played with a friend of mine. When they find the play I made, their faces light up with joy. So does mine.
Even though I am childfree, I enjoy making a positive difference in the lives of these kids. As one who was not a jock in grade school, I like being able to give some positive reinforcement to these kids who have also chosen an after-school activity which uses their brains, not their brawns. My being childfree makes no difference to these kids and their teacher/coaches; they are just glad I can visit them and share my Scrabble expertise with them while they look forward to my next visit.
But what I also like is being able to go home after I am done with this volunteer work and come home to a peaceful and quiet place, one guaranteed without kids or noise.
Imagine that, Christine and I, two childfree people, making such a positive difference in the lives of children. Sure beats Candyland, doesn’t it?
We have the best of both worlds!
What if I started a support group for people of non-American cultures to bitch and moan about how Americans are sooo annoying and high-and-mighty and think they’re sooo much better than anyone else and try to impose their ideals on them regardless of how HAPPY they are with their own cultures and traditions? What if I did this and sought out other people who measured their worth solely by how much better they’re off because they are also NOT Americans?
Of course I wouldn’t do that… that’s just silly. And I wouldn’t seek out American Pride boards to troll about how much better off than them I am either. That would also be silly.
Wow, I’ve only just found this blog this week and already I have hate comments on my own blog. I had a feeling they might inadvertently be from here, but I doubted it. Except someone had the same “moo breeder” comments as well it seems. I LOVE IT!! ha! I’m sorry some loser has that much time on their hands to spread hate, even here. But I still find a bit of humor in it. I’m weird AND I breed.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Not Quite a Tiger =-.
@ HawkMom – Nicely said, thank you. I do enjoy your comments over at Childfreedom.com, btw!
@ Christine – “I believe it’s possible to love your kids but hate the job of parenting (I see this among some of my single parent friends).” That’s it exactly! One of my best friends is a mom with 2 9-year-old twins. She went through a lot to have them and loves them to pieces, but not once have I ever questioned her love for them when we’ve gone out alone together and she unloads about a particularly hard time she’s been having or says she feels bad about our not being able to hang out like we used to before she had children. I think that “I love [blank] but hate the job of doing [blank]” applies to a lot of things. You’re doing what you feel called to do and doing it wonderfully by the sound of it – hopefully your mom will understand that someday.