Listen up, you mental patients: I didn’t really shove my kids into straight jackets straitjackets, duct-tape their mouths shut and slap chastity belts on my wife and myself. I would never, ever do such a thing … wear a chastity belt, I mean; I got a vasectomy years ago.
Of course, I wouldn’t do the other stuff, either … in front of a camera.
No, what you witnessed was the result of my mad Photoshop skillz … which I didn’t think would actually fool anybody; I thought you’d all just look at the picture and say, “Ha! That Jon and his mad Photoshop skillz!” But, apparently, some of you think I’d actually incriminate myself in front of the entire Internet … so I feel it’s important to show you the original image, which actually was taken in July of last year, while we were in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.
Which reminds me: it’s been at least 10 seconds since I complained about summer being over, and more than a full minute since I said “I wish it was time to go back to the beach house in Delaware.” There, I feel better now.
Speaking of trips to warmer climes: that California vacation I mentioned yesterday? Writing about it brought back one of the more priceless memories from my childhood, which came courtesy of my younger brother, who was a few months shy of his fifth birthday at the time.
Picture this: My 4-year-old brother, 6-year-old sister and I are seated in the rental car with our father. We are parked outside of NBC Studios in Burbank, where my mother is standing in a crowded line to snag a pair of tickets for that evening’s taping of “The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.”
We’re listening to the radio while waiting for her when, suddenly, a jaunty little number by AC/DC comes on. It’s a song we’ve never heard before. Something about a man who likes to organize large, formal functions. Balls, as it were.
The chorus kicks in, and we are serenaded by Bon Scott singing, “I’ve got big balls,” a phrase he repeats about a gazillion times. My father presumably is on a mental vacation of his own (a common occurrence), so the song continues to play uninterrupted.
And here’s where we enter full-on Griswold status:
My brother hangs his upper body out the back window of the car as the beautiful people of Hollywood are milling about and the gorgeous Southern California sun is shining down, and yells at the top of his little lungs, “HEY MOM! WE’VE GOT BIG BALLS!”
Twenty-nine years later, I still laugh mine off every time I remember it.
24 Comments
TOO FUNNY love this blog – I thought the straight jacket picture was awesome. And everyone can see from your other pictures just how ABUSIVE you really are.
Have a great day.
Ahahahah lol…I seriously hope that someone thought you really did that. And if they did…what asses.
.-= Jessica @ How Sweet It Is´s last blog ..Honeycrisp Apple Crisp. =-.
Dang, I loved the doctored photo so much I sort of wished you did do it because it was really, really funny. I still laugh when I see it. In fact, I’d even love a print to hang in my office I think it was that funny. I can just imagine the child welfare folks chasing your butts though…
You have the cutest family. Have you ever told your wife how many times I have told you that she has the prettiest smile? It really lights up her face. And I swear I am completely heterosexual and happily married. If the answer is no, tell her now. Please.
.-= toadmama´s last blog ..More Odds Than Ends =-.
Oh, shoot, man. I thought you’d really posed that photo, and I through it hilarious. The looks on the kids’ faces were perfect for a hoax. I did wonder, though, what explanation you might have given for this photo shoot, and where on earth you’d found chastity belts! Darn. I bow to your Photoshop skills.
.-= Gullible´s last blog ..The Russian Journals, Part Thirteen, Leaving Kizhi Island =-.
Hey, wait. Is this whole thing a publicity stunt? Did you use straight jackets, duct tape, and chastity belts because the Jiffy Pop slying saucer was already passe? Did you start the whole fracas intentionally?
Well, it worked. Readership and comments at your blog are soaring, a la Jiffy Pop.
I went to Rehobath Beach, Deleware in the summer of 1976. We were on a road trip and since I’d never seen the ocean at that time, we went by. Walked on the beach. It was the summer, and I remember how cold it was. The water was cold, and the air coming off it was cold.
Thanks for the memory.
.-= Shirley´s last blog ..Being Nosey on a Wednesday =-.
Ah, so it’s not a jacket that keeps one straight. It’s a jacket for when one’s in dire straits. Thanks for straightening me out about straits and straights.
–>Great story! At least he didn’t mention Fat Bottomed Girls.
.-= WebSavyMom´s last blog ..Fall Festival aka Halloween Pre-Party =-.
So did you get to see Johnny Carson???
.-= Calamity Anne´s last blog ..Greek Style Shrimp Scampi =-.
It coulda been “She’s Got the Jack.”
.-= TheExpatresse´s last blog ..Save the Date . . . =-.
Stopped over a couple of days ago after having seen you in Bossy’s comment section. LOVED the picture of the straitjackets. I can totally relate. Mine are grown now and I can only hope I didn’t mess them up too badly.
Guilty. I am one of the mental patients and asses who thought the photo showed real props. It sure looked real, especially given that we are now in Halloween season where such props are readily available. Oops.
You are a Photoshop God, no doubt about it! I thought it was brilliant and I laughed my ass off while I was envying your mad Photoshop skills. Yep, after reading your Blog, it’s obvious your the type of sick bastard who’d straight jacket his kid and sit on a park bench sporting a matching set of chastity belts with your wife. Doesn’t everyone?? Hang on, rolled my eyes too hard and they’re stuck in the back of my head… Guess some folks wouldn’t know a joke if it walked up and bit them square in the ass? People, they sure are funny!
A Yahoo news article on the Secret Service claims there is a 35% increase in hate groups in recent years. People seem to believe any crap thrown in front of them these days. The other day I got an e-mail claiming that President Obama had “forced” the Postal Service to publish a stamp celebrating a Muslim religious holiday. However, when I investigated on Snopes.com, the stamp was actually created in 2001 and was part of a series on various religions’ holidays. (By the way, thank God for snopes.com.) If people will believe in “Death Panels” and sex labs in schools, they’ll believe anything. Unfortunately, it appears a lot of people have gone off their medications.
The rest of us need folks like you to give us a genuine laugh. We appreciate slightly dark humor as a tickle on the funny bone will guarantee sanity. Of course, you may have to save a bunch of money to put your kids through counseling for having fun at their expense but I’m sure you’ve budgeted for this contingency (smile).
Blow off the nutcases and know that there are sane, intelligent people out there how appreciate your sick humor. (LOL)
.-= Cats Meow´s last blog ..Leaving Baby =-.
You probably mention it somewhere, but what kind of camera do you use?
.-= TheExpatresse´s last blog ..Save the Date . . . =-.
The faher spacing out is funny I have had experence like that with him, when i was 16 learning to drive, going to drivers ed my dad would fall asleep in the car while i drive the 30 min, at over the speed limit. Lets just say i blame him for my heavey foot. the Picture was funny, i’m sure you are now some poster child on some other blog with the doctored photo.
.-= Mark´s last blog ..Apple Picking =-.
Loved both sets of pictures — you crack me up!
I recognized the picture from it’s original post. I recognize Photoshop when I see it!
There’s nothing wrong with straitjackets.
They’re like modified timeout with a twist.
First one out gets a lollipop…
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..being a bitch is way better than being prom queen. =-.
OMG. I just came across your blog and its GREAT!
Although I havent been following to know what happened behind the photoshop photo I just have to say “GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK”. Do people have nothing better to do with their time?
I think the photo is hilarious!! Keep it up.. I’ll be back!
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Swagbucks- Making extra $$$ =-.
All you need is a padded playpen! Try parentswhochangedtheirminds.com!
Bum. I bought it. Hook, line and sinker.
I’d still put the photoshopped version on the wall with the other family photos. *grin*
.-= MidgetViking´s last blog ..Chilling blast from the past =-.
Cool website, loved the video one post down. I do hope the gay necklace and shirt opened about two buttons more than it should be, was part of the photoshopping
Sadly, no, the “gay” necklace and opened shirt are as real as the middle finger I’m holding up just for you right now.