Do you know that it’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year? Yeah, this is what they tell me.
Unfortunately, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around that concept, because, when I picture in my mind’s eye the circumstances surrounding a time period bearing the title “Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” nowhere in that vision do I see myself dressed as Indiana Jones running through a cave while the month of December bears down upon me like a giant fucking boulder, threatening to crush me under the weight of too many commitments and too little time and hardly any sleep and a failing immune system and boo-fucking-hoo for me, right? Yeah, I figured I’d be breaking your heart.
Well, listen, there are all kinds of reasons for my shoddy blogging performance this month … to include weird, kooky stuff that will involve a lot more explaining than I’ve the energy for right now, so let’s make the most of what little time we have together today, and I’ll get into the aforementioned weird and kooky stuff sometime in the near future. (Yes, I know “weird” and “kooky” are not uncommon occurrences around here, but I’m talking even weirder and kookier than usual. With any luck, the suspense won’t kill you.)
Speaking of run-of-the-mill weirdness and kookiness: ’tis the season to bring a dead tree into your home for you and your family to festoon with lights and shit! We had originally planned to get ours at the end of November so that we could enjoy its grandeur and bask in its splendor for as long as possible … and it’s a good thing we planned on that timeframe, because it kept the pressure on us to finally get out and buy one on December 7th.
Of course, like any blogger worth his or her salt, I wanted to document the occasion, so I brought the camera with us to the tree place … and a good thing, too, because that was how Wonder Woman caught this epic shot:
Oops! Ha ha. Oh, that’s a good one. Yes, Mr. Shithead Extraordinaire once again forgot to put the card back in the camera … and the only person who loves it when I do that more than me is Wonder Woman. Man, if only you could have seen the expression on her face. Why, if I could have, I’d have taken a picture of it.
So, anyway, you’ll just have to take my word for it when I tell you that we selected and purchased a tree from a legitimate source instead of, like, driving around till we saw one tied to the roof of an unattended vehicle that we then cut loose, threw on top of our ride and drove off with. Because that would just be wrong. Especially if we got caught. Again.
Not to worry, though, because after we returned home with our prize, Wonder Woman fetched the card and captured all the bringing-in-the-tree excitement:
Yep. Carrying a tree. Happy happy.
Oh yes, happy happy indeed as I try to shove a tree into my tiny house through my tiny front door. Hopefully, Santa couldn’t hear the words dancing in my head. They had nothing to do with sugar plums, I assure you.
Ta dah! Mission accomplished.
Of course, we didn’t want to overexert ourselves, so we waited until the following night to actually decorate the sucker.
Yes, we had a grand ol’ time … you know, when we weren’t telling the kids to stop fighting over the ornaments they wanted to hang, and threatening them with the prospect of coal on Christmas morning. (And, seriously: wouldn’t that make for one hell of a blog entry? The kids get up Christmas morning and actually find coal instead of toys? Fucking epic, am I right? Good thing I’m just sick enough to think of it, but not sick enough to actually tell you about it when I do it.).
Honestly, though, it never fails: one child could pick up a fossilized turd on a hook, and even if the other child had his or her choice of 900 unattended magical baubles filled with wish-granting genies, both children would fight over the turd. At first, I couldn’t figure out why this dynamic seemed to be bothering me more this year than I remembered it bothering me last year … and then it dawned on me: last year, the tree trimming was accompanied by wine drinking; there were no spirits involved in this year’s proceedings. That shall never happen again. Ever.
Zan asked for and received the honor of placing atop the tree the Santa star that always occupies that spot.
Careful …
OK, so perhaps he has a bit of a flair for the dramatic.
Alright, make that a whole lotta flair for the dramatic.
The good news is that we never have to wonder about whether or not he’s excited.
This is the aforementioned Satan Santa star, by the way:
… and, no, it isn’t sparkly or shiny or majestic, but the dude has perched his ass at the top of the tree for years now, and I don’t have the heart to fire him.
But seriously, folks: I’m actually not a Bah-humbug-er; I love the holidays, and I am a total sucker for how beautiful everything looks when all the decorating is done. I just suck at the getting-it-done part. (Speaking of which: I managed to hang the outdoor lights without falling off the ladder this year. Yay, me!)
It’s always fun to trot out the ornaments, as just about every one we hang holds some specific meaning or memory for us from years past. It’s hard to believe that this is the 12th Christmas tree Wonder Woman and I have decorated as a married couple, the seventh that Zan has been around for, and the fifth that Jayna has seen.
How the hell did we go so quickly from here …
to here?:
I want Santa to bring me a time machine so I can slow this shit down.
18 Comments
Uffdah.. I see that old familiar green and red tree stand + wood floors, reminds me of about 15 years ago when the stand had a leek and there was a tree skirt involved = warped floors. Sorry. Thats what I see when I see those tree stands. Otherwise it looks BEAUTIFUL! Merry Christmas Daddy!
Ha! The decorating here would make you vomit! We finished putting up our 3rd tree…two 9-foot trees which flank the couch and one 6 foot tree. I tried convincing my husband that we certainly needed another 6 foot tree so we could flank the desk….but, no! “How ’bout the bedroom, honey? Don’t we need a tree in the bedroom? NO!” There’s always next year! Merry Christmas D-Scratches!
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..She Spoke Volumes =-.
What is it with the “turd on a hook” mentality?? We had it here with the 44, 11 and 7 year olds! Drove me nuts!
but all I can add to your post is “Merry Chirstmas to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT!”
Sounds like it should have been a tequila kind of night…
I want the time machine too!! They grow up WAY too fast!! This is Karson’s 10th Christmas (though she doesn’t remember her first…she was only 5 months old…LOL)! Check out what she told me this summer:
Karson: Mom, guess what?!?
Me: What baby?
Karson: Did you know that when I turn 10 next year……you will be 35 years old?!?!?!?!
Me: Humm….THANKS for reminding me!!
LMAO!! But that’s ok……we are having the biggest Toga party ever for my 35th birthday! Lots of wine and beer and food……because that’s how we roll in my neighborhood!!
Have a great one!!
Yes, about the time machine. It goes too fast… I hope you are still blogging when your kids are teenagers. By then, you’ll be needing to drop even more expletives. There is still plenty of drama, but sadly, they are not so cute anymore!
Buy a second card, that’s what I did after forgetting the card one too many times. That way 1 is in the drive and 1 in the camera at all times.
HA!! I really enjoy your blog especially now that we have a small person of our own to take care of! Reading it today though reminded me of a Christmas when my mom thought it would be funny to put all of the gifts in this toy tent thing we had next to the tree instead of under the tree. Imagine 4 children ranging in age from 2-10 coming out raring for gifts and seeing NOTHING. Silence fell over the house and we just sat down, turned to our mom and said nothing with complete dejection on our faces. If Santa didn’t come then it was too late to be good. She said that was the most horrible thing she could have ever done…if we had whined and cried that would have been one thing but we just were crushed and silent. Ah good times to be had
Merry Christmas to all!!
Let me know when you get that time machine. Last night, cuddled with my nine-year-old, I suddenly had a flashback to the late nights his newborn hand was on my cheek when I woke up. Gosh, I miss that. I really, really miss that.
Ho, ho, ho!
.-= The Domestic Goddess´s last blog ..Respectful Challenge =-.
Sandisk makes this little zippered pouch that holds CF cards, it came with the last 2 cards I bought (I only get 2 gig cards). I hooked it onto my camera strap so my cards are no longer a) in the card reader b) in the pocket of the last pants/jacket I wore when taking pics. I have 3, and so far, I’ve avoided being out without all 3 at the same time, though frequently have only 2.
Dude at the camera shop laughed at me, but after my 4yo terrorized the shop for 10 minutes straight, he said he could see how I might forget things like my camera card.
We also have “fossilized turd phenomena” at our house.
.-= Lee´s last blog ..End of the Line =-.
Loved your post!
This is really a test comment. Jon will understand why.
.-= toadmama´s last blog ..A Great Day for Soup =-.
He does, indeed, understand why. Thanks.
And thanks to all you peeps for making me feel like Queen for a Day every time you leave me a comment.
Not gonna lie, that’s pretty stinking adorable. I wish it actually got cold here once in awhile so we could feel like it’s ACTUALLY Christmas!
.-= Kara´s last blog ..Peacoat =-.
–>My husband said, “How many marriages do you think pre-lit Christmas trees have saved?” I said, “At least ONE that I know of at the moment!”
@debthaxton
.-= WebSavyMom´s last blog ..Post It Note Tuesday =-.
Ah, the smell of a REAL tree! Lookin’ good there at the Scratches abode!
I love his dramatic tree-topper arms. It is truly a momentous occasion and I can’t help hearing the opening drumbeats to The Lion King when I scroll through the sequence.
My daycare lady actually gave her 10 year old son a lump of coal for Christmas one year. The kid shit bricks. They had real presents for him but when he came barrelling down the stairs Christmas morning all he saw was a great big lump of coal. Awesome. Classic. Wonderful. It made me love her even more. Thing is…her son is really well behaved. Maybe that has to do with the gift of coal?
Totally late, again, but I would just like to bring your attention to the apparently totally REAL LIFE MONSTER DOLLS in your bay window that heard the commotion of decorating behind them and got all chucky and chucky’s bride on you and TURNED THEMSELVES AROUND to watch the show! (I’m assuming they’re either rotating dolls or someone did a little redecorating, but I prefer to think they’re secretly alive.)
tree looks great!