Dear 2010: I am going to whup your ass

Oh, the visions I had for this inaugural post of 2010. First, I was going to mention how it was four years ago tonight that I launched an early incarnation of this blog, followed by a bit of reflection on how far this whole experiment has come since then.

Also swirling through my brain were thoughts about banging out some kind of year-in-review piece, perhaps with links to a few of my more memorable posts of 2009, as well as some of my characteristically brilliant, insightful, witty and profound commentary on the first decade of the new millennium.

But here’s what I’ve got for you instead, Internet: I am starting 2010 on the verge of having that mental breakdown I keep threatening you with. I am fucking fried. The holidays, wonderful though they were (and they were) burnt me out, the kids are on my nerves, and Wonder Woman and I are about one breath away from buying a couple of foam baseball bats with which to bludgeon each other.

So, since a spectacular New Year’s Day blog entry isn’t in the cards, I will instead set the tone for 2010 by being brutally honest with you: I am a brooding, moody mess right now, and the reasons for this are not only post-holiday burn-out, sleep deprivation and the ongoing joys of parenthood, but also, I am fairly certain, the fact that I currently am weaning myself off of Wellbutrin, an antidepressant used for treating, among other things, Attention Deficit Disorder, with which I was diagnosed about eight years ago after spending roughly three decades accumulating a personal history that reads like a “You Know You Have Full-Blown Bona Fide Attention Deficit Disorder When…” handbook.

And though the primary purpose of the prescription was to treat my ADD, it certainly hasn’t hurt that the medication in question is an antidepressant, because let’s just say that depression and I have made out with each other on several occasions. With tongue, even. I’m pretty sure she’s feeling me up right now, as a matter of fact.

There’s a reason why I’m weaning myself off the medication at this particular time, however, and it is a reason that involves Zan and I and a holistic treatment we recently underwent that requires a far more in-depth explanation than I’m prepared to give in this particular post, but I promise to give you that explanation in my very next entry. (And all this time, you thought I was just kidding about being a fucking basket case, eh? Well, the joke’s on you! Ha ha!)

In keeping with my pledge to be brutally honest with you in 2010, I also will reveal that compounding my current state of fucked-up-ness is my impending 40th birthday, the imminent arrival of which has initiated the onset of what, by all early indications, promises to be a positively spectacular midlife crisis.

The good news is that I am totally Type A, so instead of curling up on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a DVR full of bad reality television, my plans for grabbing 2010 by the balls include: finding a new therapist; getting back in the gym; running; resuming my meditation practice; and blogging like my life depended on it.

Alright, so maybe I didn’t give you my originally envisioned feel-good “Happy New Year!” blog entry, but you have to admit that I sure as hell gave you some interesting shit to look forward to.

Happy New Year, my faithful Scratchers. Do stay tuned, won’t you? It’d be a shame to have all this drama go down and no one to share it with.

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28 Comments

  1. Posted January 2, 2010 at 1:42 am | Permalink

    May as well add a Vita-mix to the list so you can make spinach/kale smoothies! Hey, if anyone leaves, it’s better seats for the rest of us. Happy New Year!
    .-= Lee´s last blog ..End of the Line =-.

  2. Posted January 2, 2010 at 2:14 am | Permalink

    Daddy…I mean Mr. Scratches…I must say that I am pretty positive that we all appreciate your brutal honesty! I have yet to blog about my time spent with anxiety, but I suffered greatly after my 2nd childs birth (I have 4). I nearly lost her as she was delivered early and stopped breathing right there in the operating room. For the first year after her birth I was not the same. I am happy to say that now I am totally fine…well…as fine as fine can get! We all struggle through something. I am proud to blog about my adversities in life because I know that someone, somewhere in this crazy world is feeling the exact (or close to) the same things that I was feeling eight years ago…and even today! Keep on blogging! There is healing to be found in blogging!
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..It’s Time to Bid Farewell… =-.

  3. Posted January 2, 2010 at 6:41 am | Permalink

    Oh man, the Wellbutrin withdrawal can be bad. “Brooding, moody mess” is probably as accurate description as is possible without scaring all of your readers away. We’re here with you, dude! We can all be fucked up together. Blogging about your adversities is just keeping it real. Not like you are ever all Mr. Sunshine. Know what I’m sayin?
    .-= ToadMama´s last blog ..Camera Talk =-.

  4. Posted January 2, 2010 at 7:49 am | Permalink

    Hey – I feel your pain! My mid-life crisis was to start a blog, cause I have the same feelings (I’m just not ready to actually type them out – yet.
    .-= Eric´s last blog ..A New Start! =-.

  5. Melanie
    Posted January 2, 2010 at 8:29 am | Permalink

    Oh, the withdrawal. And it’s not like they give you methadone like the heroin addicts. You fly solo on this one. Been there, done that. The good news is it does end. And you’ll likely find that many of the “symptoms” you are feeling are related to the withdrawal process.

    I’m cheering for you. And I’ll keep reading, too.

    Cheers from the other side of Boston….

  6. Posted January 2, 2010 at 8:56 am | Permalink

    –>Looking forward to witinessesing the breakdown…um…ugh…I mean the Honesty!

    (Seriously, good luck with the weaning off the drugs.)
    .-= WebSavvyMom´s last blog ..Flashback Friday (Part 43) – Family Caste System =-.

  7. Irene
    Posted January 2, 2010 at 9:13 am | Permalink

    Hi there,
    Fret not about the whole anxiety/depression thing. There are far more of us out there than you realize, including me! I was contemplating Wellbutrin instead of my trusty pal Zoloft but that Wellbutrin is WAY EXPENSIVE. Will it make me 10 times less anxious than my Zoloft?? Somehow I doubt it….
    Anyhow, Happy New Year to you. I love your blog. Be happy with what you have. Whenever my kids are making me insane, I remember the post you had a few months back about the child dying with a terminal illness….their last words were, “I want Mommy…” Makes me choke up every time I think of it and makes me grateful for what I have. Life is good. Think peaceful thoughts. 🙂

  8. Laura
    Posted January 2, 2010 at 9:23 am | Permalink

    Props to you, it’s a rough road you’re on but you can do it. I took myself off effexor and xanax, rx’ed for clinical depression- it was incredibly hard but the introspection and alternate ways of slowing down and coping with life make it worth those funky brain-zinger side-effects.
    Take it slow and (worked for me) picture your brain making new pathways around those forged by the drugs. Eventually you’ll believe it…it’s almost like you can trick your head into feeling those old pathways were useless.

  9. Posted January 2, 2010 at 9:29 am | Permalink

    Hmmm. Well, we are well-acquainted with anxiety, in this house, so I feel your pain. Seriously, it’s a daily occurrence. If blogging about it helps give you some perspective, I say HAVE AT IT! I’ll be here, reading away…no matter how ugly you think it’s going to get.

    Good luck and take care of yourself!

  10. Posted January 2, 2010 at 10:42 am | Permalink

    Sounds like it’s going to be an interesting year in the Scratches household! I’m pulling up my chair to get a front row view!
    .-= Calamity Anne´s last blog ..Stepping Into 2010 =-.

  11. Posted January 2, 2010 at 10:47 am | Permalink

    Well, you are not alone. I’m on a one way train to Bitchville due to my upcoming 40th as well. It’s not pretty. You are taking a pretty positive look at it with the whole “mid-life crisis” thing cause that indeed means you look forward to another half of life after the impending crisis, so that’s somethin’, right? You’ll survive. We both will. The bottle of Jack does not sound so bad by the way. Happy New Year.
    .-= Melanie AKA The Coupon Goddess´s last blog ..The Fountain of Youth =-.

  12. Posted January 2, 2010 at 11:26 am | Permalink

    Wow…I am so glad to hear you are stopping the Wellbutrin. I am going natural and healthy this year too – We can do it (while muttering a few expletives every now and then)!
    .-= Mere´s last blog ..Publicity, Practice Management, and More =-.

  13. Posted January 2, 2010 at 2:49 pm | Permalink

    Ha!! Your plan for 2010 is exactly the same as mine, how odd… LOL! Love your blog, always look forward to reading what’s next :o)

  14. Posted January 2, 2010 at 8:06 pm | Permalink

    Make sure you take the “wean” in “weaning” seriously. I walked sideways for days when I went off a similar med a few years ago. Going off something like that almost makes you wonder if it was worth going ON.

    On the bright side, at least those baseball bats you and WW are considering are foam. That’s love, right there.

    Hang in there; your blog continues to be fantastic.
    .-= Kate at And Then I Was a Mom´s last blog ..$5.99 Worth of Anticipation =-.

  15. Posted January 2, 2010 at 8:44 pm | Permalink

    Here’s to a new you in 2010. Hope the grumpies go away. When I weaned off of zoloft I gained 25 pounds, slept 12 hours a day and stared at the walls. Yeah, time to go back on it.
    .-= The Domestic Goddess´s last blog ..Hau’oli Makahiki Hou! =-.

  16. Posted January 2, 2010 at 9:34 pm | Permalink

    I promise you, it will get better. All of it.

  17. Gayle
    Posted January 2, 2010 at 10:49 pm | Permalink

    daddy, I just love your voice of reality. I too, am absolutely over the holidays and not that enthused about 2010. I’ll be standing by to read whatever you have to say. Good luck!

  18. Posted January 2, 2010 at 11:51 pm | Permalink

    Right there with ya, brother.
    .-= BOSSY´s last blog ..Bloggers. They’re Just Like Us! =-.

  19. Andrea
    Posted January 3, 2010 at 1:10 pm | Permalink

    Would the holistic therapy be KST by any chance??

  20. Jen Tullis
    Posted January 3, 2010 at 8:19 pm | Permalink

    I’ll be here! Zoloft and I are best buds, so I’ll be rootin’ you on!

    Love from Franklin, IN!

  21. Posted January 4, 2010 at 12:22 am | Permalink

    Good luck! I’m more of a celexa or zoloft fan myself. Tried the Wellbutrin once but felt like I was constantly on the verge of a seizure. Am very much interested to hear about your holistic approach.

    By the way, many of the blogs I follow are “Mormon mommy blogs” because I am amazed at how dang crafty they are (I would convert if I thought it would make me craftier). Your blog is really just about as opposite as one can get from those (even Dooce is a recovering Mormon). I can relate to you so much more as a parent…you really do keep it real! Now if only you could throw in some scrapbooking or decorating ideas. Ha!

  22. Sarah T.
    Posted January 4, 2010 at 9:05 am | Permalink

    I’m on sertraline(zoloft) and not sure the risk of prison is worth stopping my meds. Very interested to see what happens with your approach.

    Good Luck.

  23. Gail K.
    Posted January 4, 2010 at 9:49 am | Permalink

    riding the rails with you on this – although I am not sure I am ready to give up my celexa and wellbutrin just yet. Rooting for you all the way!!

  24. Jamie, Mom of 3
    Posted January 4, 2010 at 1:38 pm | Permalink

    I’m sorry I can’t relate to what you are going through first hand, but I can support you and encourage you. However, I do know what it’s like to go through tough moments in life. I’ve had my own. Somehow, you get past it. You just do.
    You seem to have a wonderful family and a lot of other “perks” in your life. I’m envious of your writing ability. I sure will be reading you like I always do, and loving your stories and experiences.
    Take care and Happy New Year!

  25. Debbie in WA
    Posted January 4, 2010 at 2:39 pm | Permalink

    I will be checking in on your progress now and then. Being brutally honest is the only way to confront the challenge. Your tactics are right on! Stay strong!! I’ll look forward to “seeing” you at the end of this journey.

  26. Posted January 4, 2010 at 4:01 pm | Permalink

    You have a way of making even the most serious of things eminently readable. I applaud your honestly and the way you write about it. But hey, remember to throw in some of your funny stuff too? Like maybe another raccoon story or something?

    PS. Cried went I went to bed last night, today a brighter day. We all need our meds adjusted.
    .-= Meg at the Members Lounge´s last blog ..Don’t Be Afraid, Come Step Into 2010. =-.

  27. Lynda
    Posted January 5, 2010 at 7:48 pm | Permalink

    Hey there my friend! Good for you, dump that Wellbutrin and have a Margarita at the beach and relax! I want you to know that turning 40 is not the end of the road but things just keep getting better. Trust me, I know…..Blogging seems to be your thing and sometimes those foam bats are just what the doctor ordered to make you feel much better, and Wonder Woman also. Love all of these days with the kids as they will be grown up soon and that’s kinda sad too. Keep making me smile with your blogging and thanks…..

  28. Posted January 5, 2010 at 11:48 pm | Permalink

    That’s it Daddy Scratches … grab life by the balls and say HOOYAH!

    I think you should TOTALLY join my 3-Day walk team next year. Dressing from head to toe in pink and marching for boobs would really help get your mind in the right place.

    Whaddya say? WHADDYA SAY?!
    .-= Jen & The Amazing Trips´s last blog ..midway between two and three =-.

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