I FINALLY got to use my passport!


In my mind, I am a worldly, tuxedo-wearing, international man of mystery, jetting to and fro, blending seamlessly with my surroundings … by all appearances a high-class, streetwise native of whatever far-flung, exotic locale in which I find myself.

In reality, I rarely leave the house.

But I have a passport. Oh yes, a passport. A passport with which I could gain entry to any country of my choosing. France, for example.

It was in December of 2001 when I secured my first and only passport. Somehow, despite being a bona fide adventurous, carpe diem kinda guy, I had managed to make it through more than three decades on earth without needing one. Embarrassing … but I’m also the guy who grew up 250 miles away from New York City and never got there until I was 25 years old.

Truth is, until I reached my 30s, I had no interest in going anywhere other than Florida, Mexico or the Carribean. (This should offer some insight as to why, when I step outside lately, I say things out loud to myself like, “Oh yeah! Snow and ice, baby! This is great! Let’s live in New England! BRILLIANT IDEA, DUMB ASS!)

But then, in early 2002, I got my big chance to finally experience Europe. France, to be exact. And not just France, but Paris. Gay Paris, as they say. Though I’m not gay. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

My brother was, at the time, living in Paris, and Wonder Woman and I had made plans to experience the city with both him and his Parisian then-girlfriend, and how cool would that have been? Our own native tour guide … whose family also has a home in the beautiful coastal region of Brittany, to which we had planned to travel by train, and can you even imagine the unbridled awesomeness?

And then the sky cracked open and the hand of god reached down and bitch-slapped me with a pink slip two weeks before our departure, and we had to bail. But, hey, no problem, we were still young and childless and renting instead of owning and there would be plenty of time to travel and experience the world before we got bogged down in parenthood and home-“ownership” (Ha! Like we own this place! BWAHAHAHAHA!), right?

And here it is, eight years later, and do you see the passport shown above? Let me share with you how many customs stamps appear on the pages contained therein: ZERO. ZILCH. NADA. NONE.

DADDY07But today, my friends … today, I finally got to use my passport. Yes, that’s right: the very official-looking woman in charge needed to see it … and being the experienced world traveler that I am, well, I suavely and nonchalantly slid it across the desk so that she could peruse it and confirm that the dashing man in front of her — by all appearances, a handsome, 007-like spy — was, in fact, who he said he was.

And then she issued me my replacement library card.

I kept thinking I was going to find my wallet, which has been missing since last weekend. It’s gone missing before … or, rather, I’ve lost it before … because that’s just something I have a tendency to do with great frequency (see previous entry about ADD). But then I got an email from my bank that contained the “site-key unlock code” that I had apparently requested at 11:31 p.m. Wednesday night … except that I wasn’t doing any online banking at 11:31 p.m. on Wednesday night. Fuck.

Fortunately, the bottom-feeding scumbag who found my wallet and tried to do a little online banking in my name was unsuccessful. (Unfortunately, a.) that person now knows where I live, b.) I have to replace all my shit, and c.) I can’t replace the little pink tissue-paper heart that Wonder Woman gave me, like, 11 years ago, on which she wrote “My heart is always with you.” That last one really pisses me off. Die, wallet-stealer. Die.)

But I got to use my passport. Now if only I could get to Europe. *sigh*

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  1. Kat (@kathym425)
    Posted January 8, 2010 at 11:19 pm | Permalink

    It’s really crappy about your wallet. I’m glad that they weren’t able to access your bank account though.

    If it makes you feel better, I’m hitting 40 at the end of this month and have never owned a passport. Not only do you own a passport but you’ve actually used it now! I don’t have the budget for travelling so it’s a really good thing that I’m a real homebody.

  2. Posted January 8, 2010 at 11:21 pm | Permalink

    Ooh… thx for the reminder. I either have to get my UK passport replaced, or finally get my butt in gear, fill out an N-400, get citizenship and procure my own US passport. I have only used my passport once, for the trip over here, in November 2000!
    .-= Dudge OH´s last blog ..Undeck The Halls =-.

  3. Posted January 9, 2010 at 1:12 am | Permalink

    I’m sorry about the pink heart. That really sucks. Maybe, just maybe, said POS wallet stealer will dump your wallet into a mailbox instead of a trash can and the pink heart will make its way home with your drivers’ license.

    My mother-in-law’s purse was stolen when she left it in a Burger King ladies’ room. Three weeks after I searched every trash can at that crummy fast-food joint, her purse miraculously appeared — thoroughly intact down to the last dollar — on the floor of her car.
    .-= Just Me´s last blog ..It Really Makes No Sense =-.

  4. Posted January 9, 2010 at 6:15 am | Permalink

    What a terrible way to start the new year! Hey…it can only get better, right? Thank goodness the thief wasn’t smart enough to use your card. But what a hassle to replace everything. And my eyes teared up over the pink heart….that is priceless and so sweet you’ve carried it around all these years. Maybe someday it’ll turn up somewhere.
    Very clever post, by the way…even if the circumstances were terrible!

  5. Posted January 9, 2010 at 9:13 am | Permalink

    Jon, you’re back! Walletless ,but the wit has returned. I was all like, “Wow, I wonder where he’s going?” To the library! Hahahaha…
    .-= ToadMama´s last blog ..I’m At a Loss for Words =-.

  6. Posted January 9, 2010 at 10:27 am | Permalink

    I clicked…another puppy lives!!!

  7. Gayle
    Posted January 9, 2010 at 10:52 am | Permalink

    You look aweseome in a tuxedo! Did you wear it to the library?
    I clicked too. No puppies will die on my watch…

  8. Posted January 9, 2010 at 10:53 am | Permalink

    Voted – and so sorry for the wallet – I’d be up shit creek with all the crap I keep in mine!
    .-= Mere´s last blog ..Publicity, Practice Management, and More =-.

  9. Dorice
    Posted January 9, 2010 at 11:02 am | Permalink

    I don’t own a passport. How sad does that make me?

    And voted with pleasure.

  10. Posted January 9, 2010 at 11:24 am | Permalink

    Done. I voted for you. I want to point out that at the time I voted for you, no one else had yet voted for you. That makes me technically your biggest fan.

    Can you find it in your heart to return the favor? It looks like we can vote for more than one blog/blogger.
    .-= The Expatresse´s last blog ..I’m All Shook Up =-.

  11. Amanda_loves_jb
    Posted January 9, 2010 at 3:27 pm | Permalink

    I voted too. Way to guilt us with the dead puppies. p.s. I don’t own a passport. 45 years old next month and we are too poor to go anywhere needing a passport. Sigh.

  12. Posted January 9, 2010 at 3:30 pm | Permalink

    While I’m not sure a true 007 would admit to the bit about paper hearts in his wallet, I think the fact that you kept the heart all those years is really sweet. Sorry about the theft.

    Also–Canada is not that far away. And you need a passport now to go there. So. Get on a plane.
    .-= Kate at And Then I Was a Mom´s last blog ..Because you too want to know how Julia made an aspic, for free =-.

  13. Posted January 9, 2010 at 7:30 pm | Permalink

    I voted.

    (it seems your blog felt that was a litle brief so I need to write something else to prove i’m not spam)

    .-= Dan´s last blog ..Babes, Trains, and Pensive Girls =-.

  14. Posted January 10, 2010 at 11:15 am | Permalink

    I hate the some ass stole your wallet! But on a positive note…I voted! So calm down & don’t hurt the puppies.

  15. Posted January 10, 2010 at 11:35 am | Permalink

    Wallet stealers suck! I got the chance to live in Europe for half of 2008 and I visited several countries and they only stamped my passport 3 times. That photo is pure awesome! and I’m going to vote now.
    .-= Dcan´s last blog ..Happy New Year 2010 =-.

  16. Posted January 11, 2010 at 11:51 am | Permalink

    HAHAHA! I didn’t know where that whole passport thing was going. I thought maybe you crossed the border into Canada–but not even!

    I’ve used my passport for exactly ONE overseas trip. No, I lied, two. These damn kids really suck the time and money away from exotic destination travel, don’t they?

    I hope the fleas of a thousand camels infest the person who stole your wallet.
    .-= E. Peevie´s last blog ..Toothless =-.

  17. Lex
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 1:39 pm | Permalink

    That sucks but atleast they didn’t screw you over like they did when my husband’s wallet went missing. They figured out the pin to his debit card (we canadians like to be different!) and fake deposited 1200$ so they actually pull the real cash out, nice huh? and to top it off the bank didn’t believe that is wasn’t us. long story short, we don’t know if they caught the guy and the bank gave us our rent money back.. lol

  18. Melissa
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 1:40 pm | Permalink

    It MAY show up! I had my wallet stolen while i was signing my receipt at a crowded bar one night. I had to cancel all my debit card, but that was about it. I being a procrastinator put off going to the DMV for a couple of weeks because well. duh!

    And lo and behold I found it in my mailbox one day, mailed from 4 towns over from the restaurant I was at. No cash mind you. But seeing as how I was paying with a debit card that night I probably didnt have much in it anyway.

  19. B
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 2:22 pm | Permalink

    Sorry about your wallet, but that first paragraph was hilarious, if that makes u feel any better! (No? Ok.)

  20. Posted January 11, 2010 at 6:26 pm | Permalink

    Well, hi Big Daddy! Thanks for the comment on my blog, I feel like I should frame it and wear it on a huge belt buckle. Because I’m from Texas. And that would be awesome.

    And the “warning” when I linked to your blog?? It’s because my granny reads my blog and if I send her to irreverent sites she sends me an email and tells me to get my mind outta the gutter.

    Personally, I love my mind right where it is but granny — welllll, granny has opinions. 😉

    Thanks again, love your writing. Can’t wait for 2010 over here.

  21. Pejibaye
    Posted January 11, 2010 at 9:07 pm | Permalink

    OK, OK! This is my first visit to your website, and after reading the entry, I followed instructions and gave you a thumbs up. I’ll keep reading if you keep writing!

  22. Posted January 12, 2010 at 9:10 am | Permalink

    The name’s Scratches… Daddy. Scratches.
    .-= The Football Wife´s last blog ..A Hot Mess =-.

  23. Posted January 12, 2010 at 12:44 pm | Permalink

    That was hilarious….:)) Library card lol…..woot. :))
    .-= Braja´s last blog ..You’re now at http://www.brajas.com =-.

  24. Posted January 12, 2010 at 5:53 pm | Permalink

    I think Mommy Scratches should carry that dapper photo montage in her wallet. You hare cracked the top 10 over on Babble!
    .-= Meg at the Members Lounge´s last blog ..I’m off to see the Wizard….. =-.

  25. Posted January 12, 2010 at 7:33 pm | Permalink

    Dood. That sucks. I just had some of my shit stolen too. Those bastards. However, you have amused me. And that my good sir, is well good. 😀 Thanks
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..I was a bad bad boy =-.

  26. ClairePix
    Posted January 25, 2010 at 11:12 am | Permalink

    I just love the photo you have on this post, it is so perfect and so funny! Just found your blog by chance today and I think I’m going to stick around for a litttle while…

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