Oh, you mean that Mom 2.0 Summit I’ve known for months I’d be attending is suddenly here, and I’m once again scrambling at the last minute to get out of town? Well, at least I’m consistent.

You guys should totally see what’s going on in a parallel universe right now.

The other me? He’s sleeping soundly. Went to bed hours ago. Oh yes, he was packed well in advance for the Mom 2.0 Summit, which kicks off tomorrow today in Houston. The contented-looking smile on his face as he slumbers? It is there because he also stuck admirably to his plan of posting new blog entries with tremendous frequency in the weeks and days leading up to the summit, so as to demonstrate just what a heavyweight blogger he is, thereby assuring himself a place of reverence at the metaphorical Mom 2.0 Summit table.

In fact, so passionate was Parallel Universe Daddy Scratches about regularly updating his blog — and so uproariously hysterical (yet, simultaneously poignant) — was his voluminous blogging output, that organizers actually rechristened the event “Mom 2.0 Summit Presents: Parallell Universe Daddy Scratches – A Dialogue With and About The World’s Greatest Daddy Blogger.”

God, he is going to have such an awesome time over the next few days … beginning, of course, with tomorrow night’s “Mad Men”-themed party at the Four Seasons Lounge (which would explain the above-shown cartoon me) … a theme in which he feels fully equipped to immerse himself, for, once he learned of said party’s theme five weeks ago, he made a point of watching for the first time ever an episode or two of the hit television series that everyone but him watches, thus ensuring that he wouldn’t spend tomorrow evening walking around looking even more confused and out-of-the-loop than usual … you know, like I’ll be doing.

In fact, so suave and hip will Parallel Universe Daddy Scratches be at tomorrow night’s party, he’s guaranteed to become BFFs with all the cool-kid bloggers. Why, just look right here in my parallel-universe crystal ball, and you’ll see what I mean.

See there? See how Dooce and Finslippy and Leah Peah and Maggie can barely contain their snort-riddled, tear-soaked laughter in response to his hilarious and perfectly timed remarks? And just look at the way his razor-sharp wit causes The Bloggess to laugh so hard that her martini olive becomes lodged in her windpipe. Not to fear, of course, for Parallel Universe Daddy Scratches is an ex-soldier/ex-cop … calm, cool and levelheaded beyond compare. Just watch as he administers perhaps the greatest fucking Heimlich Maneuver of all time … firm enough to dislodge the fruit (vegetable? fruit? olive? wtf?), yet gentle enough to allow Jenny to slip easily back into her now-obstruction-free fit of laughter, so funny was his pre-choking-incident zinger that her near-death experience is immediately forgotten.

Yes, Parallel Universe Daddy Scratches is making quite an impression at his first-ever blogging conference, which he prepared for with the kind of unrivaled deftness and aplomb that assures him the success he so maniacally believes he deserves.

Back here in Suckville my own little slice of reality, however, it’s almost 1 1:30 2 a.m., and I have to get up in five four-and-a-half a few short hours so that I can finish packing, scramble to the airport and arrive at the Four Seasons in a semi-catatonic state, by which time my on-the-verge-of-collapse immune system will probably have shut down and I’ll most likely be suffering from some form of life-threatening illness. Please forgive me in advance for drooling on myself when we meet.