I’ve lost the ability to write, and you know what that means, right? Free stuff!

The Good News: I’m back! Yes, I think my batteries are relatively recharged, and I’m ready to make a run at resuscitating my poor, neglected blog.

The Bad News: Resuscitating my poor, neglected blog means writing something entertaining … and, unfortunately, the stuff I’m channeling through my keyboard right now is utter garbage. I’ve lost my mojo.

But I don’t wanna wait until after I’ve located my missing mojo to resuscitate my poor, neglected blog, so, as a stopgap, I’m doing what any truly hacky blogger would do: I’m distracting you from my inability to write by waving some shiny free stuff in your face.

Does anybody watch the FOX series “Glee”? Well, I sure don’t … but the cast is on the cover of the latest issue of Rolling Stone, and both volumes of the show’s season-one soundtrack have landed on my desk, and since I care not one iota about any of it, I figure I might as well give it all away to someone who does.

So, here’s how we’re going to do this: you’re going to leave a comment on this post in which you will share with me your recommendation for how to overcome my apparent bout of writer’s block, and I, at some point over the next day or two, will close the comments and pick one at random, and the person whose comment I pick will receive the aforementioned copy of Rolling Stone and two “Glee” CDs. Sound good? OK, then: get to it. The future of my blog depends on it.

UPDATE: Comments are now closed. Winner to be announced shortly. Thanks for entering!

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59 Comments

  1. Diana C
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 5:06 pm | Permalink

    Ummm…. tequila?

  2. Posted April 7, 2010 at 5:08 pm | Permalink

    just grill yourself. discipline is the word! get yourself to write a certain amount everyday (could be 5 mins, could be 60). and for subjects, write down a whole bunch of them and place them in a jar, then randomly pick one!

  3. Posted April 7, 2010 at 5:11 pm | Permalink

    Go browsing through blogs to gain some inspiration or better yet, watch the Glee CD’s. I am sure you will have something witty to say after that!!

  4. Posted April 7, 2010 at 5:23 pm | Permalink

    First if I win I would really rather have one of Mommy Scratches Apple Pies and let the Glee stuff go to the runner up. Though having more gays than Kathy Griffiin I am sure I could pawn it off on them for dinner.

    So here is what I would write about I have lately been wondering my many school crushes. I found out that Mike McRae had died. But where is Stevie Williams? I kisssed him the last day of 4th grade where is he now? Then there are the ones that I think are better off staying unfound Jeff Grimaud. So basicly a what ever happened to XYZ then find her and see what your little 4th grade crush has been up to. Ok maybe not. But you get the point.

    Or you could interview one of your readers who fascinates you but is not one of the top Mommy Bloggers like Dooce or others.
    .-= Ferngoddess´s last blog ..Missing out =-.

  5. Posted April 7, 2010 at 5:37 pm | Permalink

    I think you should take your laptop….or if you don;t have one….steal one from Best Buy, since they seem to be terrible at security (ironic, huh?)…..go on your roof and tie a rope to your ankle that is long enough to touch the ground. Then give your wife, one of your children, or a good friend (whichever your trust to carryout the punishment without hesitation) the instructions that if you do not have at least a day and a half worth of blog-worthy material, they should pull you off the roof. I mean, it isn’t the prettiest or most inspirational way to overcome writer’s block…..but life threatening injuries seemed to help the dude in ‘Misery’ produce a few more chapters.

  6. Posted April 7, 2010 at 5:57 pm | Permalink

    First off, I don’t have a clue what Glee is all about. So I don’t need to win, but I do want to help unblock your mental constipation.

    Diana is right. Tequila. Tequila makes clothes fall off, so I imagine it might help unlock a few words/thoughts too.

    Utilize Wonder Woman in ways to get the creative juices flowing. Not to be crass, but extra curricular activity always makes me more ummmm….. open to new ideas.

    Get out of the house and do something. Anything. Take your camera with you. I bet if you sit at the mall watching the freaky teens walk around you might find something to write about.

    If all else fails, keep doing giveaways, but can I request something Victoria’s Secret? That would motivate me to keep visiting until you figure out what it is you want to write about. And if that doesn’t work, I’m open to chocolate as a bribe too.
    .-= Melanie AKA The Coupon Goddess´s last blog ..Retail Therapy =-.

  7. Kelli
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 6:11 pm | Permalink

    Melanie’s third suggestion isn’t bad, but I suggest taking the lids out in this glorious weather and watching the adventures unfurl– then come back and write about what happened. The true lid stories are always the best stuff, anyway.

  8. Jessica
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 6:15 pm | Permalink

    Don’t try to force it. Just start writing and something good will eventually come out. If that doesn’t work…..go on some adventures…good or bad, whichever you would like :)

  9. Amber
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 6:25 pm | Permalink

    Alcohol, copious amounts of alcohol. Maybe one of those concerts you like so much. And I like glee, so please let me win.

  10. Posted April 7, 2010 at 6:33 pm | Permalink

    clean out your closet and/or junk drawer and tell us what “treasures” you find…and/or have a couple of ritas!
    .-= Brook Durham´s last blog ..We love Spring….just not the pollen =-.

  11. Posted April 7, 2010 at 7:04 pm | Permalink

    Alcohol, peruse your friends of friends facebook pages, eat a new food, volunteer somewhere, watch the lifetime network, puck out random books from the library or books on cd-new language would be great
    .-= Collin county chick´s last blog ..Please please stab me =-.

  12. Posted April 7, 2010 at 7:05 pm | Permalink

    I get my ideas on my early morning walks. Did you get back into the exercise mode? That always helps me. That or asking my kids for an idea. Not that they come up with comprehensible ideas, but sometimes that makes me laugh which unblocks things.
    .-= ilyanna´s last blog ..SILENCE! =-.

  13. Laura
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 7:10 pm | Permalink

    Don’t even think about it. Just start writing. Your mojo will come back to you in no time.

  14. Posted April 7, 2010 at 7:26 pm | Permalink

    Well, if the alcohol thing doesn’t work out, Ferngodess’ idea of the old school crush could definately inspire some hilarity. And BTW, I <3 Glee! I'm ashamed to admit it, and my oldest would tell you I'm a bit obsessed…There. I admitted it. Isn't that the first step??

  15. Michele J
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 7:52 pm | Permalink

    How about a few not so good blogs? It’s okay. We’ll still love you! Let them tumble out: stupid, unedited, irrelevent…whatever. That will free up your mind. That’s what’s suggested you do before beginning a book. Write the BS right out of your mind:) So show us some cobwebs and skeletons and whatever else is rattling around in there!

  16. Posted April 7, 2010 at 7:56 pm | Permalink

    Ummmmm,….
    First drink a lot of coffee and eat a nice cookie. Now do a little stretching, then sit down a write a letter to someone, but make it be a total lie. Change names, the size and color of your house, age and gender of your children and wife…pretend it’s Christmas and you are writing one of those things people put in cards. This will be really exhausting and you will feel gleefully glad to get back to your own world. or not.
    I would be thrilled to win this stuff. We live in a tiny town and Safeway doesn’t sell Rolling Stone, would have to travel 30 miles to by the soundtracks…..big sigh for me.

  17. Posted April 7, 2010 at 8:06 pm | Permalink

    Psh. That’s easy. Come spend ONE DAY with my students and they will provide blog fodder for centuries.

    swearsies.

  18. Posted April 7, 2010 at 8:10 pm | Permalink

    Go to that carnival in Revere. Oh, hell, just go down to Revere Beach. So much to ridicule, so little time.

    Don’t knock _Glee_ until you’ve tried it. It’s strangely addictive…
    .-= Kate at And Then I Was a Mom´s last blog ..Plus it took place in front of the Disney Store. =-.

  19. Posted April 7, 2010 at 8:21 pm | Permalink

    I really liked Jennifer’s idea.

    So, how’d you get that scar?
    .-= Just Me´s last blog ..Couldn’t Have Said It Better Myself =-.

  20. Melanie
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 8:25 pm | Permalink

    Write about your kids, man. They have to be doing something interesting. Mine are

  21. Janet
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 9:18 pm | Permalink

    I rather like Jennifer’s idea also (#16) I think that would be really funny. I know, pretend you have a cooking blog (just for one post, not forever)…find a recipe, and make it, taking lots of pictures, and show us the final product. I DO love a man in the kitchen. Of course, if you normally don’t cook, it will be an exercise in frustration for you (just what you need) but it would likely be highly entertaining for us ;-)

  22. Nicole
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 9:37 pm | Permalink

    Pick me, pick me! I love Glee! Lame suggestion but when I am sitting in traffic, I actually make up stories in my head about the people in the car in front of me. I give them a nice history based on nothing more than the type of car they drive, their bumper stickers, and the back of their head.

  23. Chelsea
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 9:47 pm | Permalink

    As a writer myself (ahem, I help my students write their newsletter, does that not count?) I have a foolproof plan:

    1) Go do something you love. I would go shopping. My boyfriend would inevitably go to Dave and Busters to play skee ball. To each their own.

    2)Come home and write about it. It should be a simple play-by-play of your day.

    3)Go back in and add the kinds of details you like. If you were Victor Hugo you would probably describe the exact blackness of your shoes or the way the bowling ball gleaned in the lights.

    4)Rinse and Repeat.

    If you exercise that part of your brain, you will get over your block.

    *Note* Do you keep a journal? You might kill two birds with one stone if you do. With teenagers (yes, I know you’re not a teenager, but it might work) we make them keep a journal of every detail of their depression. Whether it’s “Today I’m sad. I cried.” or a novella of their day in hell, writing it down always helps. It also inevitably makes them writers.

    Good Luck! We miss you when you go away :(

  24. Kate
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 9:50 pm | Permalink

    Try the 750 Words project (750words.com) – which prompts you to write 750 words daily for a month, total stream of consciousness. As a bonus, it also analyzes your 750 words of random shit, which I occasionally ignore because it will say things like “your overall mindset is ANXIOUS”, which is not news, to me at least. But yes – maybe pushing out 750 a day with no pressure whatsoever because no one will ever read them could put you in the right place to write another couple hundred for publication?

  25. Posted April 7, 2010 at 11:20 pm | Permalink

    I have an idea! Take your kids on an elaborate picnic. If that doesn’t inspire you to write some quality humor, I don’t know what will. Tip? Bring a flask to add vodka to the lemonade in your Thermos. Right?! Right?!!?
    .-= Kara´s last blog ..My own tiny secret garden =-.

  26. Posted April 8, 2010 at 12:04 am | Permalink

    Maybe try a new creative hobby? Make yourself read a type of book listen to music you normally wouldn’t? Perhaps opening up doors creatively in one aspect of your life will help rejuvinate your mojo!
    .-= Corry´s last blog ..My February Phone Curse =-.

  27. Lucy
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 3:55 am | Permalink

    Are people from overseas (Manchester, England) eligible for this? I’m not usually allowed to enter these competitions so this is very exciting!

    My suggestion is to think of something horrible that you really need to get done. Cleaning out the garage, doing taxes or some kind of huge project. The only time I ever get anything done is when I’m avoiding something even worse! Maybe it could work for you, too.

  28. JP
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 7:14 am | Permalink

    Go to the mall, get a really big ass coffee, sit and people watch and make up stories about them. Get all judgy and totally soap opera-ish. Then compare it to your life and write away. Or make your life into a soap opera – that might work too.

    I love Glee (I’m a Gleek!), but mu husband hates it, so I can understand where you are coming from.

  29. Posted April 8, 2010 at 7:31 am | Permalink

    I have a very small notebook that fits in my purse (sub here whatever you always take with you) and I make notes in it about things that might be blog-worthy. I also find just getting out of the house is good for something (but my blog is about being an expat, so that might not be quite so useful for you).

    The kids. The kids are always saying or doing something funny/shocking/wise.

    Even a daily photo would do. We’d be happy with that.
    .-= The Expatresse´s last blog ..Péckvillercher =-.

  30. Anna
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 7:58 am | Permalink

    Just start writing. Even if it’s ” I don’t know what to write this is so stupid why can’t I write anything down…” When my students would get writer’s block, that’s what we would do–a total freewrite where you write everything down that you are thinking. That usually worked for my students and myself–hope it works for you!

  31. Mallory
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 7:59 am | Permalink

    Put yourself in purposely new or zany situations and then…write about it! Like…start trying new hobbies and let us know how well (or not) they pan out.

    PS – My choir teacher fiance and his students would looove the Glee CDs…

  32. Posted April 8, 2010 at 8:14 am | Permalink

    I like Glee.

    I’m no writer, but I’d suggest just picking some mundane part of your life – whether it’s work or marriage or kids or being 40-ish and pick it apart. People can relate to that everyday stuff, and you have a funny take on things.
    .-= EG´s last blog ..Easter Weekend =-.

  33. Posted April 8, 2010 at 9:06 am | Permalink

    Please please please do another Tom Cruise dance number. I am sure you can do the Air Motorcycle…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqlyQZkq2Ug

    Just a thought…
    .-= Nina´s last blog ..Three beauties =-.

  34. Sue V.
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 9:38 am | Permalink

    Totally not a writer, but I’ve come up with some pretty good stories by people watching. Go to a park, a mall or some public place. Snap a couple pictures of complete strangers. Put the camera away until tomorrow. Tomorrow upload the pictures (put the memory card back into your camera when done), and then explain the personality, disfunctions and life of one or two of those people. It’s fun and it gets the creative juices working again. Good Luck! You have been missed.

  35. Posted April 8, 2010 at 9:39 am | Permalink

    You know when kids want you to tell them a story, and you don’t have any idea what to tell them, so you make them say the first line and you take it from there? You can do that for your blog! You can ask US for the first line, or you can open up a random book to a random page and pick a sentence to start with, a line from a song, something you overhear on the street, whatever. Steal someone else’s first line and go from there!
    .-= Teal´s last blog ..Happy Anniversary to ME! =-.

  36. Gayle
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 9:43 am | Permalink

    I am a designer, not a writer, but understand creative blocks. I suggest “step away from the computer” for a little while. Get out, on your own, and do some activity that feeds your soul. A nice walk in an area you have never explored? Pretend you are a tourist in your hometown and check out some attraction you have never seen?

    Good luck. Don’t be too hard on yourself! if you write it, we will come..

  37. Veronica
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 10:23 am | Permalink

    Jon, sit back in a relatively darkened room, close your eyes and imagine yourself WITHOUT screaming kids, nagging spouses, busy work days, car payments…and all those other things that seem to stress a person to the limit. Really imagine it all being gone. It’s just you. No one to share with, talk to, or blame…how lonely and sad would that be? Now, open your eyes, turn on the lights and write about those little things that make keeping it all and LIVING THE DREAM worth while; you know, who said what cute thing, which boss is the lamest, who farted in baseball practice and nearly wet his pants from laughing so hard…that sort of thing.
    Good Luck, I’ll be back tomorrow to see what you’ve come up with!

  38. Posted April 8, 2010 at 10:40 am | Permalink

    My favorite filler is reviews. I’ll go on an adventure/outing of some type, to the zoo, to a concert, or a whale watching trip (coming soon! :) , etc., and write about it.

    You’re good, you can make anything funny.

    I also like adding the occasional description of an interaction I had with another crazy person. Gotta be careful though in the event they read your blog. hehehe

    I have a list of 100 blogs ideas I’ll email you.

    NOT a fan of Glee either, so feel free to give that to someone else. :)
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..Sex in Carson City: My Trip to The Brothels =-.

  39. Gretchen
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 10:49 am | Permalink

    Go do something you hate. For me, it is any sort of yard work. Pull a couple of weeds or mow the lawn and you’d be shocked at how fast I get creative and can’t wait to get back to my desk. Oh, and booze always helps!

  40. Dave
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 11:09 am | Permalink

    I find that the grocery store on a Saturday afternoon gives me plenty of things to converse about. The higher end stores result in tales of the oblivious, self-absorbed, customers who clearly think that the earth revolves around them; the no-frills economy type stores are ideal for watching the more entertaining and colourful folk.

    After visiting one or both of these stores, the natural follow-up story would be about your trip to the gun shop.

  41. Pam Forester
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 11:10 am | Permalink

    Come on ….. we are depending on your wit and humor to get us through the day. If that doesn’t help try lots of whiskey. Good Luck!

  42. Posted April 8, 2010 at 11:15 am | Permalink

    I shouldn’t be dispensing advice since my blog has been put on the back burner for some time now. But if ever material was needed, I would stick the family in the car with a desired location and let the fun begin. Having everyone together makes the writing wheels turn.

    If that does not work, go to the next town over’s wal-mart, get a motorized scooter cart thing and proceed to peruse the aisles while taking in the scenery of strangers and watch the ideas pop into your head.

    And by the way, I am a HUGE HUGE Glee fan. So maybe pick one of the people who had a better idea and who were willing to give the discs away and please please please give em’ to me…..

  43. Posted April 8, 2010 at 11:57 am | Permalink

    Cocktails, lots and lots of cocktails.
    .-= Stacey Ball´s last blog ..36 Weeks! =-.

  44. Posted April 8, 2010 at 12:21 pm | Permalink

    How about…do you see your kids become the choir geeks or the athletic studs, and which would you prefer?
    .-= Megan´s last blog ..Guess who’s back. Back again. Shindy’s back. Tell a friend. =-.

  45. Rosesanne
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 12:21 pm | Permalink

    I would go with Stacey’s comment, cocktails, lots of em!

  46. Posted April 8, 2010 at 12:27 pm | Permalink

    I got sort of hooked on your site because of all the embarassing stories from your past. It inspired me to do something similar on my own blog. If you’re anything like me, you have a plethora of yesterday’s foibles to mine for today’s funny! (P.S. I LOVE GLEE.)
    .-= Courtney´s last blog ..Life, Updated. =-.

  47. Posted April 8, 2010 at 1:06 pm | Permalink

    I am not ashamed to admit that I love Glee.
    .-= Dave´s last blog ..A day in your celebration =-.

  48. julie
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 2:09 pm | Permalink

    Hi! First, I love Glee and can’t wait for it’s return next week. Second, I love your blog and am always sending my husband links so he can read your posts. We won’t discuss how he seems to think male written blogs are a little more credible but when I stumbled upon one of your t-ball related posts in our first season of t-ball with our 4 and 7 year old we were hooked!

    As for your writer’s block. Don’t worry about being dull, witty, or even cohesive just try for stream of consciousness and see where that takes you.

  49. Posted April 8, 2010 at 5:30 pm | Permalink

    Maybe just writing an “opinion” or “op-ed” column?

    I love writing about stuff that I like, but even better the stuff that annoys me. You are usually hilarious about stuff that bugs you!
    .-= Meg at the Members Lounge´s last blog ..I Think This Stuff All the Time =-.

  50. Posted April 8, 2010 at 5:53 pm | Permalink

    Seems to me you need to retire to your fortress of solitude (AKA the bathroom) and let your mind wander.

    Or tequila. Or tequila in the bathroom.

    You decide.

  51. lu
    Posted April 8, 2010 at 7:34 pm | Permalink

    Get a good nights sleep. Have a good breakfast. And then let it all out. You are a wonderful and entertaining writer and I love your blog. You make me laugh and that means alot. Keep up the good work.

  52. Posted April 8, 2010 at 7:34 pm | Permalink

    –>I say have some beers with MommyScratches and talk about high school. None of us went to a school like Glee (which I watch) but we all had some very interesting people in our school.
    .-= WebSavvyMom´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Basketball Hoops =-.

  53. JoJo
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 8:09 am | Permalink

    I would go to the beach, a park, somewhere outside that is peaceful to you, and just spend some time resting. Your mind is already churning with ideas- you just need to give them time to make it to the surface! Bring a notebook!

  54. DianaLyn
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 9:08 am | Permalink

    Sex. Pure crazy sex.

    I’m just saying.

  55. Posted April 9, 2010 at 10:38 am | Permalink

    I would suggest doing something you have never done; might bring some new perspective. Like try a hot yoga class, rock climbing, or find a fortune teller. Just something that is out of your norm.
    .-= Jeff Brown´s last blog ..Conscript =-.

  56. Posted April 9, 2010 at 12:05 pm | Permalink

    OMG! I have a good friend who would DIE for this. She loves GLEE…I’ve never seen it.

  57. Sara
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 1:14 pm | Permalink

    TO GET YOUR MOJO BACK:

    !. get a tatoo, or at the least just draw something in sharpie on yourself
    2. hold an ice cube in your mouth while soaking your feet in ice water, or drink hot tea and rest your feet on a hot water bottle. See what works for you
    3. buy a goldfish, nurture it
    4. Eat raw baby spinach and oranges at breakfast. Eat apples with red wine after dinner.
    5. Only shave your face once every 3 days

  58. Holly Flynn
    Posted April 9, 2010 at 1:30 pm | Permalink

    Eavesdrop on your kids…preferably when they have a friend over…then tell them you are out of treats. Then inquire if they would like to discontinue the games to read a nice educational book. Eavesdrop again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

    Ha. Like your stories about the kids.

  59. Posted April 9, 2010 at 1:50 pm | Permalink

    Check out oneword.com for help on the writer’s block. :)
    .-= Mere´s last blog ..Expert Witness Reports – Details Matter =-.