From: Jon, a.k.a. Daddy Scratches
1 Way Too Expensive House
Chokingly Huge Mortgage, MA, 0MFG!
To: The Bank
Dear The Bank,
Listen, about that money I owe you? See, here’s the thing: I bought this house and all this other shit when I had, you know, a job.
Problem is, I found out a couple days ago that my job? My job of the past 10 years? The dream, work-from-home, full-time-music-journalist job that I love so much? Yeah, that’s gone. Pfft. Gonzo. See ya. Buh-bye.
And, sadly, gone with it are all those other things I love so much … things like a paycheck … and my family’s health insurance.
Now, I’m not sure if you read my blog (though I’m assuming you do, because, really, who doesn’t, am I right?). Anyway, as you no doubt noticed a couple of weeks ago, I alluded to, but did not specify, a then-embargoed subject that I described at the time as being “the biggest source of my stress right now.” And, in hearing the news of my sudden unemployment, I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself, “Well, that must have been the thing to which he was alluding.” And, boy howdy, do I ever wish that was the case.
As it turns out, however, the thing to which I was alluding was the fact that my wife and I recently made the decision to uproot our family and relocate from the suburban-Boston area (where my side of the family lives) to the suburban-Philadelphia area (where her side of the family lives) — a decision that we’ve agonized over for years, because we love both sides of our family and wish we could simultaneously live in both places, but we can’t … and since her family is too selfish to all move up here, and my side of the family is too selfish to all move down there, we have to pick one.
Thing is, as it stands right now, we’re not planning to let the loss of my job change our decision … and since this relocation plan already was financially maniacal (because, as you, The Bank, already know, we bought at the height of the housing market, borrowed more money than we could afford and spent six years accruing an assload of additional debt while the housing market tanked, to the extent that we’ll be lucky to get out of here with cab fare to Philly), I was thinking maybe you could just, like, give us a pass on what we owe you. I’m assuming this won’t be a problem, particularly in light of the massive bailout with my wife and I and, you know, the rest of America recently helped you.
Thanks in advance for what I’m sure will be your compassionate and understanding response to the unfortunate position in which I currently find myself. You guys are the bestest bank EVERRRR!!!
Yours in perpetual indentured servitude,