Man, this finding-a-new-job thing is going to be easier than I thought

Since learning last week that I had been laid off from my job of the past 10 years, I’ve been feeling a bit anxious and unsettled. So imagine my relief when, this morning, just a few short days after uploading to CareerBuilder.com a copy of my résumé, I received the following email:

——

Hi Jon,

My name is Glenn [So-and-so] Managing Partner for [Nationally Known Life Insurance/Financial Services Company]. I recently reviewed your resume on CareerBuilder and your background would be a great fit for the Financial Services Representative position that we are looking to fill. I would like to set up a time with you to discuss career opportunities with our company in our [greater Boston area] office. I look forward to the opportunity to meet you soon!

Sincerely,

Glenn [So-and-so]

——

As you can imagine, my excitement about this opportunity was overwhelming … to the point that I had difficulty remaining seated long enough to reply to Glenn’s inquiry as follows:

——

Dear Glenn,

Thanks for your note. Please allow me to begin by asking which of the following factors made you feel I’d be such a great fit for your Financial Services Representative position in the greater-Boston area: Was it my 16 years of web-publishing/journalism/design experience, my glaringly obvious complete and utter lack of a background in anything even remotely related to the financial-services field, or my expressed desire to obtain employment in the greater-Philadelphia area?

Whatever the case, I’m flattered you’ve initiated contact with me, and very excited about filling this position — particularly in light of the fact that it will give me an opportunity to start my career over at age 40 in a field about which I know absolutely nothing. After all, Glenn, life is an adventure, am I right?

As you no doubt have anticipated, landing a candidate who is as great a fit as am I for your Financial Services Representative position will require some extra enticement. In an effort to expedite this process, I have included below a list of my needs, all of which your company will have to address in order for me to consider joining your team:

1.) Explain to me what the fuck a Financial Services Representative is.

2.) Pay for all expenses associated with my acquisition of an MBA or similarly relevant graduate degree, to include a stipend ample enough for me to feed, clothe, shelter and provide comprehensive health, dental and vision coverage for myself, my spouse and our two young children for the duration of my matriculation.

3.) Guarantee my placement in a corner office on a high floor with a water view, and a desk equipped with a ’50s-style intercom system.

4.) Hire for me a secretary named Miss Wilson, who I will summon by announcing into my ’50s-style intercom system things like “Miss Wilson, I need you to take a memo” and “Miss Wilson, call my wife and tell her I’ll be late for dinner” and “Miss Wilson, please bring Glenn and I some refreshments while he explains to me what the fuck a Financial Services Representative is.”

5.) Implement “Massage Mondays,” whereby my work week will begin with an hour-long hot-stone massage, administered by a professional masseuse, who will report to my corner office on a high floor with a water view.

6.) Outfit said office with a massage table — and a shower, so that I may wash from my body the oils that will be applied during my weekly hot-stone massage.

7.) Provide for me transportation to and from work each day via either: a.) a stretch limousine driven by a chauffeur with a British accent, or b.) a fully paid-for Lamborghini registered in my name. (Please note: I would be willing to alternate between these two forms of transportation on an every-other-day basis.)

8.) Notify the staff that they will be required to refer to me as “Supreme Being.”

9.) Further notify the staff that they are not to make eye contact with me, nor speak to me unless first spoken to.

10.) Buy me a pony. (IMPORTANT: Glenn, you are to personally deliver the pony to: Jenny Lawson, a.k.a. The Bloggess, a.k.a. The Czar of Nothingness, Martindale, Texas. This will all make sense when you get there. Maybe.)

11.) Move your greater-Boston-area office to the greater-Philadelphia area.

12.) Make me a Managing Partner.

13.) Fire yourself and hire me someone who will actually seek out qualified candidates rather than carpet bomb via spam people who recently have uploaded to CareerBuilder.com their résumés — résumés that you yourself clearly don’t read.

Your immediate attention to the above-listed items is greatly appreciated, Glenn. I look forward to working with you during your termination period.

Sincererly,

Jon
Financial Services Representative/Supreme Being
Glenn’s Former Company
Boston Philadelphia

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32 Comments

  1. Posted May 12, 2010 at 9:20 am | Permalink

    Well, he did seem pretty into you in that initial email. Maybe your demands will be met? 🙂

    Good luck with the job hunt.

  2. Posted May 12, 2010 at 9:27 am | Permalink

    If The Bloggess gets a pony, I want a purple helicopter. Thanks!
    .-= Dave´s last blog ..A day in your celebration =-.

  3. Posted May 12, 2010 at 9:31 am | Permalink

    You’re smarter than me. I hate to admit this, but I actually replied, went to the interview, took several hours worth of tests (mostly math, which I bombed the hell out of), and then was told I was qualified. Next step: I was supposed to go take all these certification tests and pay for them out of pocket. That’s when it dawned on me how dumb I really was.
    .-= Clark Kent’s Lunchbox´s last blog ..Clark Gets Canned =-.

  4. Posted May 12, 2010 at 9:31 am | Permalink

    Those people are idiots if they don’t meet your demands. You totally undersold yourself.
    .-= Jenny, Bloggess´s last blog ..UPDATED: Ghosts are assholes. Ebay’s not that far behind them. =-.

  5. Kate
    Posted May 12, 2010 at 9:35 am | Permalink

    Haha. My girlfriend got a call from (possibly the same?) [nationally known insurance/financial services company] shortly after posting her resume on Monster.com and they wouldn’t even give her the job title of the position for which they were “very eager” to have her interview. Never mind that her background is in design engineering. She was equally frustrated by the whole thing and she is still searching for work. She didn’t, however, write them such a witty response, not even just to post it online for the amusement and snerk-itude of others.

    Good luck with the job search.

  6. Posted May 12, 2010 at 9:40 am | Permalink

    Awesome. Makes me want to post my resume just for kicks.
    .-= ToadMama´s last blog ..Dabbling =-.

  7. Posted May 12, 2010 at 9:56 am | Permalink

    Bahahaha! Reading this was the perfect way for me to start my Wednesday!

    Good luck, and your demands sounds perfect. They would be idiots no to meet them!

  8. Posted May 12, 2010 at 10:19 am | Permalink

    You should totally include that letter you sent to your mortgage lender when you guys hash out the terms of your hire. That way, he’ll know he’s dealing with one savvy negotiator!
    .-= BuenoBaby´s last blog ..What they pay me =-.

  9. Posted May 12, 2010 at 10:32 am | Permalink

    My guess is that you will not be receiving a call back from this place. Next time, try to be a smidge nicer.
    .-= texassky´s last blog .. =-.

  10. Posted May 12, 2010 at 10:38 am | Permalink

    I really hope your resume touches on your brilliant use of sarcasm. Because that skill is totally underrated, and you are a MASTER. I bow before you.

  11. Posted May 12, 2010 at 10:41 am | Permalink

    Hey, can I borrow this letter? I could really use it right now. I’ve just been offered a job overseas, but I have to send money first. I think the demands will help offset the upfront money they require.

    I’m a serial job searcher, and I can honestly say I’ve never received any viable response from either Monster or CareerBuilder. The best places are head-hunting agencies (and you should never have to pay) that specialize in your field.

    One of the best places for your field is: http://www.coroflot.com/public/jobs_browse.asp Best of luck in the job search! Post a portfolio and give us a link 🙂
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..We Say ‘Dude’ In These Here Parts =-.

  12. Andrea
    Posted May 12, 2010 at 11:35 am | Permalink

    OMG…I am choking! You are freakin’ hysterical!!! Haven’t laughed this hard in a long time, and believe me I needed it! Thanks for making my day better! See ya in Philly!!!

  13. Posted May 12, 2010 at 12:03 pm | Permalink

    On behalf of the job seekers of America, I thank you for saying what must of us want
    to tell a recruiter, Especially one that is probably half our age!
    .-= Meg at the Members Lounge´s last blog ..I Am a Goddess =-.

  14. Posted May 12, 2010 at 12:07 pm | Permalink

    So does that mean you are not moving?
    .-= Ferngoddess´s last blog ..The if question =-.

  15. Posted May 12, 2010 at 12:40 pm | Permalink

    When I apply to Nationally Known, can I use you as a reference?
    .-= beta dad´s last blog ..RTT: Things My Wife Hates =-.

  16. Posted May 12, 2010 at 1:16 pm | Permalink

    You really should send the letter and see what you get in return.
    .-= Jeff Brown´s last blog ..Love at first sight =-.

  17. Posted May 12, 2010 at 3:17 pm | Permalink

    In regards to the first part of the list: I think you may be watching a wee bit too much “Mad Men.”
    .-= Kate@And Then I Was a Mom´s last blog ..Finally, the reason why they no longer offer Anatomy 101 in high school. =-.

  18. Posted May 12, 2010 at 3:59 pm | Permalink

    I used to get that same canned email! You gotta love the spammers on the job boards…

  19. Veronica
    Posted May 12, 2010 at 5:02 pm | Permalink

    Hey…did Glenn reply? I think that guy offered me the same position. I was not savvy enough to make the minor requests you did, though. Funny…since I am not in that business and I live in WYOMING!

    Good…or better…luck job hunting!

    (and, could you give Glenn a chest bump for me when you interview. We’re old friends!)

  20. Posted May 12, 2010 at 5:16 pm | Permalink

    Wait. So you got laid off and you’re moving to Philly? We should really talk more often.

  21. Melanie
    Posted May 12, 2010 at 7:27 pm | Permalink

    Those people are worse than Columbia Records back in the 80’s. Remember how they wouldn’t leave you alone no FUCKING MATTER WHAT YOU SAID? Yeah, like that.

  22. Melanie
    Posted May 12, 2010 at 7:28 pm | Permalink

    And I’m still pouting that you’re moving.

  23. Posted May 12, 2010 at 9:45 pm | Permalink

    I just inhaled a chocolate covered pretzel through my nose while reading this. You were almost responsible for my death. Considering the crap week I’ve had, I’d appreciate even funnier stuff to finish my sorry ass off. You my friend should be writing books.
    .-= Melanie AKA The Coupon Goddess´s last blog ..In Honor of National Feminine Protection Month =-.

  24. Posted May 12, 2010 at 10:33 pm | Permalink

    Are you going to be a Southie when you move to Boston? You know, like Will Hunting?

  25. Posted May 12, 2010 at 11:46 pm | Permalink

    Great demands… you would make a great terrorist. Ever thought about that as a career move?!?

    Good luck with the job hunting!!! Found your blog via The Bloggess & I laughed OUT LOUD. Not alot of original funny stuff on the web & you are totally a funny chappy. Thanks for the laugh… p.s: Bloggess is also hilariously hilarious (just in case she might be everywhere).

    I am also going through the dreary process of looking for a job – I was sacked after 7.5 years loyal service. Lesson: Never be loyal? And it’s f’n hard!!! While I have been looking for another full-time job to pay the bills, I rang a local radio station to offer working on a volunteer basis one day a week as a writer – AND F’N HELL… I want to f’n work for free & the first f’n thing she said was “I don’t have a voice for radio.” First of all, I didn’t say I wanted to be a f’n presenter! Secondly, what a way to make someone on the verge of sticking their face in a photocopy machine to end it all by copying their face until they no longer exist, feel like shit… cause lady, YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT!! Hey, Lady – I WANT TO WORK FOR FREE… are you saying you don’t want people who want to WORK FOR FREE??????? Well lady, Witty Sam says You Should Be So F’n Lucky & Have Me cause I AM AWESOME… according to my friends on FB who have never met me but assume the best of me… not like you, you cold-hearted so&so.

    Sorry, your blog did hit a nerve that feels like shit. And thank you for letting me get that off my chest. Phew… think I will take my meds now and tell my stuffed toys they will never amount to anything…
    .-= Samantha Banfield – Witty Sam´s last blog ..Warning Danger Sign Prevents Office Workers from Breathing =-.

  26. Jeff
    Posted May 13, 2010 at 1:26 am | Permalink

    Classic! God, I hope you really did send that letter…

  27. Posted May 13, 2010 at 6:32 am | Permalink

    You bet your ass I sent it.
    .-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Man, this finding-a-new-job thing is going to be easier than I thought =-.

  28. Posted May 13, 2010 at 6:53 am | Permalink

    Most excellent letter. I’m a corporate exile myself with the insanity to have created my own business so I can be a volunteer! (And goof around with my kids a lot.) I think I’m going to send that letter to myself and see if I can meet my own demands. Stone massage Mondays at your local Candle Shop. Yeah, baby.

    Thanks for the laugh.

  29. Posted May 13, 2010 at 11:58 am | Permalink

    Thank you. Just…thanks.

  30. Posted May 13, 2010 at 4:31 pm | Permalink

    Ummm, this was HILARIOUS. You’ve just won me over as a regular reader my friend. Well played. Well. Played.
    .-= Megan´s last blog ..Guess who’s back. Back again. Shindy’s back. Tell a friend. =-.

  31. Posted May 13, 2010 at 9:33 pm | Permalink

    Your demands are quite reasonable, well except for #1. I think that’s obviously beyond what poor Glenn can deliver.

    OMFG though this is the funniest shit I’ve read in a long time…well, ok, since the Bloggess’ battle with ebay…but, seriously my sides hurt.

  32. Posted June 10, 2010 at 11:38 pm | Permalink

    I agree Tonya – this is extremely funny shit.

    I love the Bloggess’ battle with Ebay – it’s also funny shit. It’s hard to say who has the funniest shit!! They are both the funniest shit I have read in a long time. We need as much funny shit as possible. It feels so free to say… well type “funny shit”… but I’ll stop now.

    I came back to read it again… I am still laughing Daddy Scratches. Witty Sam salutes YOU!!!
    .-= Samantha Banfield – Witty Sam´s last blog ..Twizla Twiz =-.

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