Since learning last week that I had been laid off from my job of the past 10 years, I’ve been feeling a bit anxious and unsettled. So imagine my relief when, this morning, just a few short days after uploading to CareerBuilder.com a copy of my résumé, I received the following email:
My name is Glenn [So-and-so] Managing Partner for [Nationally Known Life Insurance/Financial Services Company]. I recently reviewed your resume on CareerBuilder and your background would be a great fit for the Financial Services Representative position that we are looking to fill. I would like to set up a time with you to discuss career opportunities with our company in our [greater Boston area] office. I look forward to the opportunity to meet you soon!
As you can imagine, my excitement about this opportunity was overwhelming … to the point that I had difficulty remaining seated long enough to reply to Glenn’s inquiry as follows:
Thanks for your note. Please allow me to begin by asking which of the following factors made you feel I’d be such a great fit for your Financial Services Representative position in the greater-Boston area: Was it my 16 years of web-publishing/journalism/design experience, my glaringly obvious complete and utter lack of a background in anything even remotely related to the financial-services field, or my expressed desire to obtain employment in the greater-Philadelphia area?
Whatever the case, I’m flattered you’ve initiated contact with me, and very excited about filling this position — particularly in light of the fact that it will give me an opportunity to start my career over at age 40 in a field about which I know absolutely nothing. After all, Glenn, life is an adventure, am I right?
As you no doubt have anticipated, landing a candidate who is as great a fit as am I for your Financial Services Representative position will require some extra enticement. In an effort to expedite this process, I have included below a list of my needs, all of which your company will have to address in order for me to consider joining your team:
1.) Explain to me what the fuck a Financial Services Representative is.
2.) Pay for all expenses associated with my acquisition of an MBA or similarly relevant graduate degree, to include a stipend ample enough for me to feed, clothe, shelter and provide comprehensive health, dental and vision coverage for myself, my spouse and our two young children for the duration of my matriculation.
3.) Guarantee my placement in a corner office on a high floor with a water view, and a desk equipped with a ’50s-style intercom system.
4.) Hire for me a secretary named Miss Wilson, who I will summon by announcing into my ’50s-style intercom system things like “Miss Wilson, I need you to take a memo” and “Miss Wilson, call my wife and tell her I’ll be late for dinner” and “Miss Wilson, please bring Glenn and I some refreshments while he explains to me what the fuck a Financial Services Representative is.”
5.) Implement “Massage Mondays,” whereby my work week will begin with an hour-long hot-stone massage, administered by a professional masseuse, who will report to my corner office on a high floor with a water view.
6.) Outfit said office with a massage table — and a shower, so that I may wash from my body the oils that will be applied during my weekly hot-stone massage.
7.) Provide for me transportation to and from work each day via either: a.) a stretch limousine driven by a chauffeur with a British accent, or b.) a fully paid-for Lamborghini registered in my name. (Please note: I would be willing to alternate between these two forms of transportation on an every-other-day basis.)
8.) Notify the staff that they will be required to refer to me as “Supreme Being.”
9.) Further notify the staff that they are not to make eye contact with me, nor speak to me unless first spoken to.
10.) Buy me a pony. (IMPORTANT: Glenn, you are to personally deliver the pony to: Jenny Lawson, a.k.a. The Bloggess, a.k.a. The Czar of Nothingness, Martindale, Texas. This will all make sense when you get there. Maybe.)
11.) Move your greater-Boston-area office to the greater-Philadelphia area.
12.) Make me a Managing Partner.
13.) Fire yourself and hire me someone who will actually seek out qualified candidates rather than carpet bomb via spam people who recently have uploaded to CareerBuilder.com their résumés — résumés that you yourself clearly don’t read.
Your immediate attention to the above-listed items is greatly appreciated, Glenn. I look forward to working with you during your termination period.
Financial Services Representative/Supreme Being
Glenn’s Former Company