No, really: This job-search thing is like shooting fish in a barrel

OK, seriously: What’s with all the hubbub about high unemployment rates in this country? Because I’m still two business days away from separating with my soon-to-be-former employer, and already the job offers are coming at me faster than I can keep up with them. You jobless whiners out there must be a bunch of losers; this job-search shit is even easier than kicking my kids’ asses at Candyland.

As if yesterday’s offer of a Financial Services Representative position from my man Glenn wasn’t enough, this morning, I received the following pitch from Aflac:

——

Dear Jon:

I found your resume on CareerBuilder, and I am very interested in your skills for our career opportunity. I know your past experience may not have been focused on sales or insurance and you may not have considered a career in insurance sales, but some of our most successful associates had résumés just like yours.

Sincerely,

Ari [So-and-so]
Regional Sales Coordinator
Aflac

——

Well, now we’re talking. Are you thinking what I’m thinking, people? That’s right: time to start a bidding war.

——

Dear Ari,

Thank you for contacting me about an insurance-sales job with Aflac — and a special thanks for acknowledging right up front that I have absolutely no qualifications for this position whatsoever, nor any demonstrable interest in insurance, sales, or insurance sales. (Glenn from MetLife contacted me yesterday about a Financial Services Representative gig, and I had to inform him that I have no idea what the fuck that even is. AWK-WARD.)

Speaking of Glenn: Do you guys know each other? Because you’re both in the same town … which is convenient, because I’m thinking the two of you should get together over lunch and figure out which one of you is willing to go the distance to get me to sign with your organization.

Here’s the catch, though, Ari: I would rather be dipped in rocket fuel and forced at gunpoint to train evil albino lab rats to play Tchaikovsky’s “Romance in F minor” on a baby-grand piano engulfed in flames than sell insurance. So insurance sales? That’s out. What I would be interested in, however, is some of this right here:

That’s right, Ari: Daddy Scratches as the new Aflac duck.

Don’t get me wrong: Gilbert Gottfried‘s great and all, but he’s gotta be like, what, 75 or 80, right? Let’s face it: you’re going to have to replace him sometime. Might as well get it over with now, especially when you have a talent like me waiting in the wings. (Get it? “Wings”? And there’s plenty more where that came from, my friend.)

When you and Glenn hook up for lunch, he can provide you with a copy of the list I sent to him, in which I set forth the perks that it would take for him to lure me into a life as a Financial Services Representative. I’ve not yet heard back from him, but it’s only been about 24 hours, so let’s just assume that he plans to meet my demands.

My advice to you would be that you use that list as a starting point, and then tell me what you can do to sweeten the pot. (Suggestion: Item #10? The one about the pony? I know Jenny would love that … but here’s a little inside info that’s going to give you a distinct edge over Glenn: the thing that Jenny would love even more than a pony is a unicorn … especially a unicorn that’s also a dragon whose horn is filled with liquor and fairies. So here’s the deal, Ari: You produce one of those, and I’m in that fucking duck costume tomorrow, you dig?)

I don’t want to count my ducklings before they hatch, but I have a good feeling about this, Ari. I hope to be quacking — I mean, working! — with you soon. (And I hope you like to laugh, Ari, because I’ve got a million duck puns for you! It’s like I was fucking born for this job!)

Sincerely,

Jon
a.k.a. Daddy Scratches
a.k.a. The New & Improved Aflac Duck

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22 Comments

  1. Posted May 13, 2010 at 12:21 pm | Permalink

    Um… not to say you’re aiming a little low here, but the Aflac duck? Do you *want* possible employers to take advantage of you? Everyone knows that any possible company spokes model wants to represent Geico – whether you lean more towards reptilian representation or prehistoric man is your own prerogative.

  2. Posted May 13, 2010 at 1:01 pm | Permalink

    Dude. I know it’s not ideal or anything, but maybe you should lose your job more often? This series has been coffee-shooting-from-the-nose good.
    .-= Kara´s last blog ..Crown King getaway =-.

  3. Jamie, Mom of 3
    Posted May 13, 2010 at 2:51 pm | Permalink

    I’m seeing stand up in your future. You are funnier than Larry the Cable Guy any day of the week!!

  4. Deke
    Posted May 13, 2010 at 4:06 pm | Permalink

    You are tapped my friend. How soon before Wonder Woman makes you live in the shed.

  5. Posted May 13, 2010 at 5:16 pm | Permalink

    Thanks, I needed this today. Just found out hubby lost his job. I need all the humor I can get. Sending up good vibes to the “job gods” for the both of you.
    .-= Gigi´s last blog ..A look at my Mother’s Day =-.

  6. Posted May 13, 2010 at 8:08 pm | Permalink

    Agree why not just do stand up. Comedy club has open mike night.
    .-= virginia´s last blog ..Quickies – Just Because I Can and I have a Vagina =-.

  7. GG
    Posted May 14, 2010 at 12:57 pm | Permalink

    75 or 80? I was born in 1955 you moron.

  8. Posted May 14, 2010 at 3:01 pm | Permalink

    This is great… I didn’t think it was possible to top the previous post, but I love this!
    And I’m feeling much better about the economy now. Thanks! :)
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..We Say ‘Dude’ In These Here Parts =-.

  9. Posted May 14, 2010 at 4:50 pm | Permalink

    When one door closes another opens. Other times, insurance recruiters email you.
    .-= BuenoBaby´s last blog ..FRIDAYS =-.

  10. Posted May 14, 2010 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

    Dude, what about the Gecko in Gieco, I mean I read on google that they don’t live long, there could be an opening there any minute… Seriously give that one a shot, cause you look like a dumb ass with the duck bill. Just saying, cause that’s what friends do, not that we are currently friends, cause I have never been here before, but the reason you were offered those jobs is because I turned them down a few months ago, so you owe me, and that’s a beginning of a friendship I can get behind.

  11. Posted May 14, 2010 at 9:25 pm | Permalink

    When you start your new job can you get me in with Flo the Progressive girl? Because I kind of want to invite her over for a slumber party. Is that weird? Are you allowed to talk to the other insurance mascots? I don’t know the rules on this.
    .-= Jenny, Bloggess´s last blog ..Blogging-Without-Makeup Day =-.

  12. Posted May 14, 2010 at 9:28 pm | Permalink

    You know, I think I might be able to arrange that; my brother-in-law is a manager at Progressive. True story. (He’s not too thrilled about me sleeping with the enemy.)

  13. Posted May 15, 2010 at 1:26 pm | Permalink

    I myself am swelling the ranks of the newly employed by legally stalking people on a strictly temporary basis. Which is pretty much the best face I can put on my census “career” (any job guaranteed to last less time than a bad cold should be referred to in quotation marks).

    I have actually found a great deal of amusement in this particular job. More than one should when your job involves the Florida summertime heat and walking outside. So don’t discount the incredibly rich world of jobs you are sure to loathe, because there is always the chance that you can fill out forms in triplicate using only haiku.

  14. Posted May 15, 2010 at 10:05 pm | Permalink

    I want to know how you came up with Tchaikovsky’s “Romance in F-Minor” as the piece you’d rather be playing, and also how you managed to spell Tchaikovsky right. At least, I think you spelled it right. It sort of looks right.

    I’ve been getting these same emails, and writing back to these guys as well. Never thought to turn it into a blog post, though. Darn!
    .-= E. Peevie´s last blog ..Anniversary =-.

  15. Posted May 16, 2010 at 9:50 am | Permalink

    Well I just laughed out loud for about 10 minutes! My family is now looking at my like I’m nuts!

    I think you’d be great in the stand up comedy arena!

  16. Posted May 17, 2010 at 12:18 pm | Permalink

    That’s awesome. Maybe I should post MY resume on CareerBuilder! After a year on the dole, I’m pretty ready to work for anybody who’ll pay me… especially at jobs I know nothing about and am over / under qualified for.

  17. Holly
    Posted May 17, 2010 at 9:07 pm | Permalink

    I haven’t checked in on the blogs in awhile. Sorry to hear you’ll be joining the ranks of the unemployed, but would like to welcome you to the club. Been here about 18 months now myself, although did have a short 4 month contract assignment in there so it’s not *as* horrible as it sounds. Out here in Seattle it’s Farmers insurance that emails everyone with job offers; well, them and some sleazy “buy my franchise” lady.

    Incidentally, I heard somewhere it takes on average 1 month of job searching for every $10K you want to earn in income. I’ve decided that I’m holding out for ONE MILLION DOLLARS! ;)

  18. Kim
    Posted May 18, 2010 at 10:34 am | Permalink

    This the first time I have read your blog and I have to say at first I thought you were kind of a dick. I was thinking is this guy for real I got that same BS email when I was looking for work. Who does he think he is. But then I read on and now I feel bad for thinking you were a dick. Please accept my apologies.

  19. Gail K.
    Posted May 20, 2010 at 6:49 pm | Permalink

    I think you should approach State Farm – you could really write your own ticket – they don’t have a mascot! You could create one for them!! I, personally, have always thought of “State Farm” as being some type of mental health facility, so, I think you are their man!

    Seriously, hope smething turns up soon!

  20. Andrea
    Posted May 24, 2010 at 1:07 pm | Permalink

    LOVE IT! Hysterical! Nothing like reading something on your blog to get me out of my Monday Blues!

  21. DarlaW
    Posted June 21, 2010 at 9:24 pm | Permalink

    I tried to resist Jon, truely I did. But I can no longer hold it all in:) Forgive me doll:

    After being gainfully unemployed for a year I decided to retrain myself (because a bacholors degree and 18 years experience apparently isn’t good enough to become gainfully employed here). I am now an insurance agent.

    No. I am not freakin’ kidding you.

    And yet I still found your blog funny! I didn’t laugh out loud but I did chuckle because I know you and, well, it was funny! And then I read the comments. I was going good until Wonder Woman posted. Then I really laughed out loud!

    Wonder Woman, Jon is a doll. However, your perception that he can be a dick is correct (I said I was sorry cuz I really do like you). My ex husband invited him and wonder woman (and 3 of their friends) with us on our HONEYMOON (nope, not making this crap up). And while I enjoy meeting new people and having adventures, there is a right time and place for everything. This was not it:)

    For the record: I do not recommend bringing old army buddies, or anyone other than your spouce with you on your honeymoon. At least, not if you want the marriage to last.

    Keep the blogs comin’ Bobbabuoy. The right job is out there for you – you’re a very talented man!

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