People are actually calling me “Coach.” This is the most unintentionally hilarious thing ever.

People are actually calling me “Coach.” This is the most unintentionally hilarious thing ever.

Those kids honestly believe I know what I’m doing.

See that piece of paper? That’s the chart I use to assign the kids to their positions in the field. I’m about as good with charts as I am with numbers … and if you saw my debt-to-income ratio right now, you’d know how much I suck at numbers.

“Brian, you’re playing third base.”

“You already told Nick to play third.”

“I did? Oh … um … OK, you’re playing second.”

“Tommy’s already playing second.”

Pretty much like that.

Couple my organizational ineptitude with the fact that, as a child, I played baseball for all of about five minutes, and you don’t exactly have the makings of a coach. And yet, here I am, faking my way through it for the third straight season.

Two things I never said as a child: “I love baseball” and “My dad’s the coach.” My son says both. That’s why I do this.

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29 Comments

  1. Posted May 27, 2010 at 11:50 pm | Permalink

    You totally look like you know what you’re doing. But your assistant looks doubtful.
    .-= beta dad´s last blog ..RTT: Enjoy Babies in Sunglasses and Help Me Go on Vacation =-.

  2. Posted May 28, 2010 at 12:01 am | Permalink

    LOL Well, you do look like you know what you’re talking about. The kids look like they’re buying it. But beta dad at comment 1 is right… your assistant isn’t helping.
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..Panic Much? FEAR = F*ck Everything And Run =-.

  3. Posted May 28, 2010 at 12:47 am | Permalink

    Similar to the two comments above, the assistant coach is not buying what you’re saying.
    .-= virginia´s last blog ..It’s really Friday. I checked and drink up for those who celebrate Memorial Day. =-.

  4. Posted May 28, 2010 at 4:12 am | Permalink

    Good On Ya!
    Here In OZ there are so few Parents willing and able to Volunteer any help….We’d even take you On I reckon!!!

  5. Posted May 28, 2010 at 5:37 am | Permalink

    Hey, that’s what I look like trying to be a Girl Guide Leader, and I was in Guides for 11 years! Good work on the fooling of children :)

  6. Posted May 28, 2010 at 7:15 am | Permalink

    It’s not whether you win or lose – it’s how you play the game. And, you are playing the game of DAD perfectly.
    .-= gigi´s last blog ..Hello? Guiness Book of World Records? You need to come see me….. =-.

  7. Posted May 28, 2010 at 7:23 am | Permalink

    Coaching for that age is all about sounding and looking confident no matter how lost you may be. That why I always wear my Patton uniform on the sidelines.

  8. Posted May 28, 2010 at 8:14 am | Permalink

    My husband is an assistant coach on my daughter’s co-ed baseball team and they are both LOVING it. I wasn’t sure if she would take to it, but she is doing awesome and loves the game. You guys are great dads for coaching! To one-up my husband, I am going to be a girl scout leader next year (shoot me now).
    .-= Maggie´s last blog ..Stuff I made =-.

  9. Nana Scratches
    Posted May 28, 2010 at 8:37 am | Permalink

    At last nights game; I heard one of your players shout out “Coach”; for me, it was something I will always remember. Not only have you invested in Zan’s future by coaching, but in his team mates as well. I am so very proud of you.

  10. Posted May 28, 2010 at 8:51 am | Permalink

    Fake It till Make It, as they say. The great part is that kids are usually too clueless to know when we’re clueless. (Except for that kid on the far left — I think he’s on to you. Better put him in the outfield.)
    .-= Didactic Pirate´s last blog ..Better Than Dickens =-.

  11. Posted May 28, 2010 at 9:41 am | Permalink

    You’re faking it really well, ’cause you look like a coach to me!
    .-= Megan (Best of Fates)´s last blog ..Bacon & Other Loose Ends =-.

  12. Paula
    Posted May 28, 2010 at 10:39 am | Permalink

    My oldest son became the assistant coach of his son’s t-ball team after the assistant coach got pissed and took his kid, his loudmouth wife and the “T” home. It turned out fine, except that my son never hit or caught a ball on any ball team in his life. I think he played one game in the neighborhood and decided he hated any team sports. What we do for our kids, huh?

  13. Dorice
    Posted May 28, 2010 at 11:30 am | Permalink

    Dear Coach Daddy,

    As is the case in many situations in life, the KEY is to make them think you know exactly what you are doing. Never waiver, never hesitate and for god’s sake, don’t let them see you sweat. If the even sense weakness, you’re a goner. Good luck!! You look great out there.

  14. Corinne
    Posted May 28, 2010 at 11:52 am | Permalink

    That is great that you are coaching your son’s team. My husband can not wait to do that.

  15. Cindy
    Posted May 28, 2010 at 12:44 pm | Permalink

    CHICKENFOOT!!!!

    I just bought my tickets yesterday for Lake Tahoe 9/11/10 show!!! :o)

  16. Mark G.
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 12:37 am | Permalink

    As someone who has coached a variety of sports for over 20 years and someone who actually knows Jon. I AM SHOCKED! You were the best man for the job? Holly Molly!!!!

    Don’t even bother trying to figure out “tagging up” or the “infield fly rule.” Stick to writing and spending quality time with your son.

    P.S. – Never admit in front of the kids that you have no idea what you’re doing.

  17. Deeters
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 10:36 pm | Permalink

    I like your hat! And I like that you do things for your kid! That’s what being a dad is all about.
    Have fun with it!!

  18. Christina
    Posted May 29, 2010 at 11:13 pm | Permalink

    The last paragraph is what makes you the best dad ever! :)

  19. Posted May 30, 2010 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

    I think the assistant coach says it all in the photo… but much like parenting and work.. FAKE it, till you make it… also as a long time dug out and team mom.. give them sugar at the end of the 2nd inning… the other team will be winding down and yours will be HIGH. Trust me, league champs every team I handled that’s like 8… I pass this secret on to you.

  20. Posted May 30, 2010 at 11:41 pm | Permalink

    My DH signed up this year as assistant coach to our son’s team. He’s having more fun than the kids, I think.
    .-= Just Me´s last blog ..Baloney!!! =-.

  21. Posted June 1, 2010 at 9:13 am | Permalink

    You know what you need? A WHISTLE. The metal kind on a long rope around your neck. Then the next time little Brian tries to tell you how to do your job just blow it really hard in his ear and tell him to do as he’s told. Who says there can’t be 2 guys at 3rd base? Hello, Brian, it’s time to think outside the box!
    .-= Tonya´s last blog ..Vacation Shmacation…I’m F***ing Tired =-.

  22. Posted June 1, 2010 at 9:30 am | Permalink

    I don’t know…the sunglasses lend a certain credence.
    .-= Kate@And Then I Was a Mom´s last blog ..The red, the white, the blue. =-.

  23. Posted June 2, 2010 at 4:41 pm | Permalink

    It’s amazing what parents will do for their children. My MOTHER once coached my sister’s softball team without experience, but she managed to teach kids how to pitch and the dugout was ALWAYS clean.
    .-= The Football Wife´s last blog ..Twenty Months – The Love Affair Continues =-.

  24. Posted June 7, 2010 at 9:26 pm | Permalink

    You have “coaching” down to an art :)
    .-= Annah´s last blog ..CRAZY BITCH =-.

  25. Posted June 8, 2010 at 7:30 am | Permalink

    I just finished my first season as a baseball coach. I kind of think it will be like giving birth. I will forget the pain by next year and I will do it again.

  26. Posted June 9, 2010 at 8:17 am | Permalink

    Yeah, this is why I decided to turn down the coaching position when it was offered! Plus, it’s totally more fun to just sit down and watch the game and eat the snacks and check my email. ;)

  27. Posted June 9, 2010 at 3:27 pm | Permalink

    All that really matters is how you look and you look mahvelous dahling!

    Billy Crystal….

  28. Posted June 10, 2010 at 7:42 pm | Permalink

    Wooo, I thought it was just me. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel all the way comfortable with too much authority over others, especially kids. “Ms. Davis?” Who is that? Oh yea, me.

  29. Janely
    Posted June 14, 2010 at 3:38 pm | Permalink

    Remember: to them you’re a Grown Up.

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