It’s beginning to look a lot like fight night

It’s beginning to look a lot like fight night

Sunday night, we went out and bought this year’s Christmas tree, which entailed making stops at two different places because, much to our surprise, the first place we went was selling Christmas trees made out of cocaine and gold bullion … as evidenced by the $100 price tags.

The second place had trees that looked identical to those available at the first, with the minor exception of containing neither narcotics nor precious metals. Just plain ol’ wood, priced at $45.

When we got home, I cut the twine that had held the tree in place atop our Honda, grabbed the tree itself with both hands, rolled it off the roof and brought it down trunk first as hard as I could, with the intention of slamming it on the driveway in order to shake out any loose pine needles … which would have worked perfectly had the plastic netting in which the tree was wrapped not gotten caught for a split second on one of the roof-rack rails, a mishap that altered the tree’s trajectory just enough so that I instead slammed the trunk squarely onto the top of my right foot. Ho ho hoAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!

Last night, my mother-in-law came over and helped us decorate the tree … an occasion that, much like last year, largely consisted of the children bickering over who got to hang which ornament. I’d have kicked them both in the ass, but my foot was too sore.

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  1. Posted December 8, 2010 at 7:15 am | Permalink

    My kids can’t seem to grasp the concept that there is more than one branch on the freakin’ tree. Spread the love, people!

    Of course, our tree is now naked again, since the cats knocked it over, and I had to strip it all down and set it up again.

    And yes, nice, live trees should cost under $50.
    Amanda´s most recent blog post: Just a BlurMy Profile

  2. Posted December 8, 2010 at 7:51 am | Permalink

    Sounds like Christmas at my house when I was growing up.

    I desperately want a real tree this year but the boy and his allergies really piss me off. SOOOO INCONVENIENT.

    Also? No one in my house gives a shit about Christmas trees except for me. Thank you, autism. Also, also? The older boy pretends to like Christmas trees but really just wants to sort them all into appropriate groups so I can hang them better. And he wants Chili lights on the tree.
    The Domestic Goddess´s most recent blog post: And My Life Just Keeps Getting BetterMy Profile

  3. Kristine N
    Posted December 8, 2010 at 8:10 am | Permalink

    Love your humor and look forward to your posts. Have a wonderful holiday with yoiur family.

  4. Posted December 8, 2010 at 10:53 am | Permalink

    We did our tree a couple of days ago, and only lost 2 ornaments (so far). The girls were a bit nervous about hanging them, so my wife and I did most of it (read “my wife did most of it”). But it looks great (if you lean your head slightly to the right to account for what is either a wicked bend in the trunk, or a slowly shifting tree stump-in-holder), and everyone seems pleased. As a bonus, our neighbors went out and got it for us, refusing any payment because we “help” them during the year (where “help” = bring in the paper/mail on the couple times a year they go away for a few days). Merry Christmas to you and your family!
    pvz´s most recent blog post: definitions- overalls – vegetarianMy Profile

  5. Posted December 8, 2010 at 12:46 pm | Permalink

    This year I’m thinking about taping my Mr. Hanky (the Christmas Poo) to my front door and calling it done.
    Elly Lou´s most recent blog post: Bad Boy of the Pipe OrganMy Profile

  6. Posted December 8, 2010 at 1:34 pm | Permalink

    I’ve always found tree buying/transporting/installing/decorating about as relaxing as remodeling a bathroom with squishy floors.

    I’ve been lobbying for a fake tree for years.

    We bought real tree at the garden center last night. Oh, did I mention is was five degrees outside?
    BuenoBaby´s most recent blog post: I mean- what the heck- this is so awesomeMy Profile

  7. Posted December 8, 2010 at 5:41 pm | Permalink

    Merry freakin’ Christmas! At least you your whole family got into the decorating the tree. In this house, my husband’s achievement is to pull it out of the garage and plug it in. I get the “joy” of finding the decorations (which have been buried under mounds of crap throughout the year) in the garage, pulling the boxes into the house and decorating the tree and the house by myself. My son’s contribution consists of telling me (while chewing on food – but then when is he ever NOT eating at this age?) – “It looks good, Ma.” And then they wonder why I’m so “grinch-y.”
    Gigi´s most recent blog post: Life of PiMy Profile

  8. Catherine McP
    Posted December 8, 2010 at 9:07 pm | Permalink

    The last live Christmas tree I bought: The stand had a hole in it, and I watered the hard wood floors under this thick elaborate stupid tree skirt someone made for me. Never saw the damage it was doing for 3 freaking weeks. That was 15 years ago and in another house. I’m still mad!

  9. Robblogger
    Posted December 9, 2010 at 12:30 am | Permalink

    Brilliant, absolutely brilliant, and $100 is a bit of a bargain for a tree

    You’ve been nominated for an entirely questionable, but legitimate award, The Blogger of the Month Award. For details see, for more details, and you can encourage your viewers to vote.

  10. Posted December 9, 2010 at 4:52 am | Permalink

    way to blame the net. i am so using that for my next depth-perception related injury.
    Kirsten (Results Not Typical Girl)´s most recent blog post: wtf wednesdaysMy Profile

  11. Posted December 9, 2010 at 11:44 am | Permalink

    We were lucky enough to get our tree for free (no, not because we stole it, please finish reading) because we kissed up to our former neighbors who have a huge backyard with pine trees (who knows why they have all those? why question the good luck?).
    Anyhoo, we are placing bets on who knocks the tree over first, the Short son, the Tall son, the Cat, or The Husband (by walking into it in the middle of the night in our teeny tiny dollhouse-size living room). My money is on The Husband.
    check out my blog, exactly like yours but with estrogen

  12. Suzanne
    Posted December 9, 2010 at 1:38 pm | Permalink

    Another reason why I’m sticking with one kid. 😉 Of course, haven’t been able to bring myself to put up ANY decorations yet this year, as I know his little toddler self is going to destroy anything I attempt.

  13. Sandy
    Posted December 9, 2010 at 1:40 pm | Permalink

    — and again I say, “Thank goodness for Hannukah!”

  14. Posted December 9, 2010 at 2:30 pm | Permalink

    Tree? What is this ‘tree’ you speak of? The years before last I decorated my ficus. Last year I didn’t get a tree or decorate the ficus. This year I wasn’t going to do either, again. But then I saw a few really nice ones and I’m suddenly in the spirit. I have to get rid of extra furniture – Salvation Army is coming Monday. 🙂

    Happy Holidays!

  15. Posted December 9, 2010 at 5:09 pm | Permalink

    I’m always at my crankiest on Tree Decorating Night. In fact, word on the street is that I’m a raging a**hole when we go through this particular ritual. I don’t know why.

    From the photo, though, things do look calm and peaceful. Considering what you had to go through to get that tree home.
    Didactic Pirate´s most recent blog post: From my Inbox- One students crusade against my cell phone policyMy Profile

  16. Posted December 11, 2010 at 7:39 pm | Permalink

    It’s beginning to look like fight night is dead on…we barely had the artificial tree up and were struggling with the lights, and I quickly found myself not on speaking terms with the hubs…the kids fought over ornaments and “sides” of the tree. Ugh. Well, at least the rest of the Christmas season has gone smoother! Merry Christmas to you and yours!
    Jill´s most recent blog post: Aunt Flow- Bears and Big NewsMy Profile

  17. Posted December 13, 2010 at 7:59 pm | Permalink

    If you eventually end up going to the doctor for your foot, make up a better story. Something heavy on the heroic saving-old-ladies and light on the tree nets. Just a tip.
    Kate´s most recent blog post: Yet she can’t get enough of photos with the Easter Bunny It’s like prejudice at its worstMy Profile

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