Dear 2011: I am going to massage your ass with exotic oils while feeding you hand-peeled grapes and telling you how wise and attractive and thin and youthful-looking you are

One year ago today, I told 2010 that I was going to whup its ass … and 2010 responded by putting on a pair of these and using my nuts as a speedbag … so I’m trying a different tack this time around.

This past year was, without a doubt, the single most unpleasant, difficult, overwhelming, foundation-shaking, depression-inducing, anxiety-provoking year of my entire life.

I know that the calendar is a man-made construct, and that the delineation between December 31, 2010 and January 1, 2011 is merely symbolic … but after the year I just had, I am more than happy to embrace — no, not just embrace; tongue kiss the symbolism of the most galactically fucked-up year I’ve ever lived through coming to a close, and a new year full of potential promise beginning.

Working in my favor is the fact that, unlike last year, I am not starting this year off in the throes of the deepest, darkest, longest period of depression I’ve ever experienced. So I’ve got that going for me.

With any luck, this year also won’t include panic attacks, job loss, an undisclosed family crisis, a major relocation and a tragic, unexpected death … among other things.

And even though slim are the odds of an equally similar pigfuck of a year taking place in 2011, I just want to make sure the coming year knows that the big-mouthed fool who threatened its predecessor would be more than happy to offer it the best fellatio its ever had in exchange for, at worst, an uneventful year, and, at best, a year as full of rainbows and unicorns as last year was of tragedy and despair.

So, whaddya say, 2011? Friends?

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15 Comments

  1. Sarah
    Posted January 2, 2011 at 2:01 am | Permalink

    Our 2008 and 2009 were almost as bad as your 2010. The ONE and only bright spot between those 2 years is the birth of our middle child. I know exactly how you feel. I hope that you are able to enjoy a truly great year with your family in 2011.

  2. Posted January 2, 2011 at 2:56 am | Permalink

    May it come to pass for you, DS, and may you make the best of it.
    Gullible´s most recent blog post: Every New YearMy Profile

  3. The Domestic Goddess
    Posted January 2, 2011 at 9:12 am | Permalink

    I am rightnthere with you. Here’s to a great 2011a!

  4. Posted January 2, 2011 at 9:53 am | Permalink

    Oh my gosh yes! You said it! Please, 2011, play nice and be
    kind.

  5. Posted January 2, 2011 at 9:53 am | Permalink

    I’m with you – I’ve sent 2011 a similar note myself. Here’s hoping 2011 brings many good things.
    Gigi´s most recent blog post: How is it that no one has pointed out the obvious to meMy Profile

  6. Irene
    Posted January 2, 2011 at 4:02 pm | Permalink

    That was 2006 for us. Death, depression, emergency childbirth, layoffs….horrible. I actually took the 2006 calendar outside in January 2007 and SET IT ON FIRE in our barbecue. Very satisfying. Things are looking up!

  7. KP
    Posted January 2, 2011 at 4:26 pm | Permalink

    Well, I just started my year off laughing too hard to
    breathe, thanks to you. 😉

  8. Princess Smartypants
    Posted January 2, 2011 at 8:37 pm | Permalink

    I was just introduced to your blog. Great stuff! – the ups
    and downs and joys and frustrations of life presented in a very
    funny and intelligent way. I wanted to share my theme song for 2011
    with you – Something tells me you’ll like it.

  9. Posted January 3, 2011 at 1:52 am | Permalink

    Found this through the Muskrat, your last blog title was in
    your signature and after reading the title of this post, I had to
    click. Very glad I did and I’m oh, so jumping on that bandwagon. I
    made the mistake also of threatening 2010.. lesson learned.. this
    year I’ve already made nice with 2011 I greet it each morning and
    play with it nicely each night.. Great blog here and Good Luck in
    2011 from a fellow ass kisser of the New Year
    nipsy´s most recent blog post: I’m Hot To Trot- Well At Least My Number IsMy Profile

  10. Posted January 3, 2011 at 8:49 am | Permalink

    It’ll be better…I can’t imagine all the circumstances you had to deal with last year that were completely beyond your control (moving, death of a loved one, depression, etc.). Certainly, major life events of that caliber can’t be forced upon you in the same numbers in two consecutive years, right?

    So, Happy New Year to you! It’ll get better. Just like for all those bullied gay high school kids.
    Muskrat´s most recent blog post: 2010My Profile

  11. Posted January 4, 2011 at 1:04 pm | Permalink

    I saw your lovely photo on PW. Thank God for humor! With
    Humor (and good coffee) you can get through anything –
    well!

  12. omglawdork
    Posted January 4, 2011 at 6:07 pm | Permalink

    Found you through the Bloggess – and may I say, sir, that I
    would like to assist in the exotic-oil-rubbing. I don’t know what
    it is, but so many of us have just had massively crap years this
    year. I am generally a perky, look-at-the-bright-side kind of
    person, but even I was forced to eventually write a blog post in
    mid-December cordially inviting the second half of 2010 to go die
    in a fire already. I know the new year means nothing, really, but
    my God, the hope that it could is keeping our house afloat right
    now. Love this post, am adding the blog to my reader. Best of new
    years to you 🙂

  13. toni in florida
    Posted January 6, 2011 at 5:29 am | Permalink

    Yup. Sometimes getting on your knees and orally appeasing
    the gods beats the frak out of dropping trou and taking a high,
    hard one up the keister (which usually involves no kiss, no KY, and
    no hair-pull). Hope preventive fellatio isn’t necessary (’cause
    really it’s supposed to be fun for both parties, right?) and,
    should it be required, renders Loki (or whichever minor deity shows
    up to collect) docile and placid. Just sayin’.
    toni in florida´s most recent blog post: 2010 in review- the cruel sadistics…My Profile

  14. Posted January 6, 2011 at 1:11 pm | Permalink

    Here’s to hoping 2011 doesn’t suck nearly as bad at most of
    2010 did. Cheers!
    Rachel Elizabeth´s most recent blog post: The moment a child is born- the mother is also born She never existed before The woman existed- but the mother- never -RajneeshMy Profile

  15. Posted January 7, 2011 at 2:39 pm | Permalink

    2009 and 2010: lame. Right there with you offering up any
    and all services to the new year in hopes that it doesn’t suck ass
    like the previous two.
    Joyelle´s most recent blog post: Photo Friday- Frozen Moments in TimeMy Profile

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