After narrowly avoiding disaster, our bumbling hero and his lovely bride arrived in Mexico. Debauchery ensued.

You can relax now. The passport fiasco is behind us. I know, I know … it was stressful and inexcusable and I promise you that the next time I travel abroad I will staple my passport to my chest, OK? Better?

Now then …

Have you ever been to Mexico? And I’m not talking about, like, Tijuana; I’m talking about this Mexico:

The pool at Secrets Maroma Beach in Riviera Maya, Mexico

That was the view Wonder Woman and I enjoyed during the four days we spent lounging in luxurious lounge chairs by the luxurious negative-edge pool overlooking the luxurious beach at our luxury resort, which was luxuriously devoid of anyone under the age of 18. (Hey, look, I didn’t want my own kids with me, and I love them … so you can bet your sweet ass I didn’t want your kids anywhere near me.)

Years before I was born, something terrible happened. My ancestors? They somehow mistakenly settled in a region where things like “snow” and “ice” and “below-freezing temperatures” are found. And I could forgive them for this if these natural phenomena were unpredictable occurrences … but at some point, someone among them must have put two and two together and said, “Hey, wait a minute! This bullshit keeps happening year in and year out!” And when that revelation occurred, they should have pulled up their tents and loaded up the wagons and headed south until they hit that blue-rubber line that goes around the equator.

But noOOOooo … they had to tough it out. Thanks, assholes.

Anyway, point being: I’m supposed to live someplace tropical. I’m sure of it … because at no other time in my life do I feel as right as I feel when I’m in a warm, beachy environment.

And for several days and nights last April, I felt very, very right.

We spent hours upon hours relaxing by the pool, reading books, drinking piƱa coladas and taking in the natural beauty around us …

Mexico, April 2011

We had breakfast delivered to our room every morning …

Mexico, April 2011

We mingled with the locals …

Mexico, April 2011

This dude saved me a ton of money on my auto insurance.

 

We celebrated Wonder Woman’s 40th birthday …

Mexico, April 2011

Mexico, April 2011

We dined and frolicked beneath the stars …

Mexico, April 2011

Mexico, April 2011

Mexico, April 2011

Mexico, April 2011

We got lit on fire …

Mexico, April 2011

We drank Coronas on the beach…

Mexico, April 2011

We took a long walk…

Mexico, April 2011

We saw a boat …

Mexico, April 2011

We saw an abandoned resort that was being eaten by the jungle …

Mexico, April 2011

We saw a … um … uh … this thing:

Mexico, April 2011

Sadly, we decided to go our separate ways …

Mexico, April 2011

Mexico, April 2011

Except, not really …

Mexico, April 2011

And they lived happily ever after … or at least until they returned home, at which point life began viciously pummeling them for the remainder of 2010.

But at least they had Mexico …

The End.

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