After narrowly avoiding disaster, our bumbling hero and his lovely bride arrived in Mexico. Debauchery ensued.

You can relax now. The passport fiasco is behind us. I know, I know … it was stressful and inexcusable and I promise you that the next time I travel abroad I will staple my passport to my chest, OK? Better?

Now then …

Have you ever been to Mexico? And I’m not talking about, like, Tijuana; I’m talking about this Mexico:

The pool at Secrets Maroma Beach in Riviera Maya, Mexico

That was the view Wonder Woman and I enjoyed during the four days we spent lounging in luxurious lounge chairs by the luxurious negative-edge pool overlooking the luxurious beach at our luxury resort, which was luxuriously devoid of anyone under the age of 18. (Hey, look, I didn’t want my own kids with me, and I love them … so you can bet your sweet ass I didn’t want your kids anywhere near me.)

Years before I was born, something terrible happened. My ancestors? They somehow mistakenly settled in a region where things like “snow” and “ice” and “below-freezing temperatures” are found. And I could forgive them for this if these natural phenomena were unpredictable occurrences … but at some point, someone among them must have put two and two together and said, “Hey, wait a minute! This bullshit keeps happening year in and year out!” And when that revelation occurred, they should have pulled up their tents and loaded up the wagons and headed south until they hit that blue-rubber line that goes around the equator.

But noOOOooo … they had to tough it out. Thanks, assholes.

Anyway, point being: I’m supposed to live someplace tropical. I’m sure of it … because at no other time in my life do I feel as right as I feel when I’m in a warm, beachy environment.

And for several days and nights last April, I felt very, very right.

We spent hours upon hours relaxing by the pool, reading books, drinking piña coladas and taking in the natural beauty around us …

Mexico, April 2011

We had breakfast delivered to our room every morning …

Mexico, April 2011

We mingled with the locals …

Mexico, April 2011

This dude saved me a ton of money on my auto insurance.


We celebrated Wonder Woman’s 40th birthday …

Mexico, April 2011

Mexico, April 2011

We dined and frolicked beneath the stars …

Mexico, April 2011

Mexico, April 2011

Mexico, April 2011

Mexico, April 2011

We got lit on fire …

Mexico, April 2011

We drank Coronas on the beach…

Mexico, April 2011

We took a long walk…

Mexico, April 2011

We saw a boat …

Mexico, April 2011

We saw an abandoned resort that was being eaten by the jungle …

Mexico, April 2011

We saw a … um … uh … this thing:

Mexico, April 2011

Sadly, we decided to go our separate ways …

Mexico, April 2011

Mexico, April 2011

Except, not really …

Mexico, April 2011

And they lived happily ever after … or at least until they returned home, at which point life began viciously pummeling them for the remainder of 2010.

But at least they had Mexico …

The End.

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  1. Posted February 10, 2011 at 10:27 am | Permalink

    Loved the pictures and story!

  2. Maggie
    Posted February 10, 2011 at 10:29 am | Permalink

    My husband and I went to Playa Del Carmen in 2008 and it was amazing! We can’t wait to go back. What is that resort? It looks great!

  3. Posted February 10, 2011 at 12:00 pm | Permalink

    I truly enjoyed this. Especially the picture of the cake. I felt the warm breezes as I looked at the photos which were somewhat like a children’s book made to induce jealous rage from those slipping on the sheet of ice in the driveway.

    Tell us more…..

  4. Posted February 10, 2011 at 12:36 pm | Permalink

    Oh my! I should really get out more. This looks phenomenal!

  5. Sandy
    Posted February 10, 2011 at 1:56 pm | Permalink

    Going to Costa Rica in two weeks. Thanks for this, as it will help me REALLY get into the mood. May 2011 continue to favor you and your family.

  6. Posted February 10, 2011 at 3:23 pm | Permalink

    I feel you need to share the location of this paradise-on-earth…ppplllleeeeaaaasssseee? I’m quite convinced hubby and I need to find our way there before our lives are taken over by children.

  7. Theresa in Alberta
    Posted February 10, 2011 at 3:30 pm | Permalink

    ahhh, olala!! Paradise by the moonlight! BUT where is the lime for the Corono’s??

  8. JB
    Posted February 10, 2011 at 4:57 pm | Permalink

    Ahhh, beautiful pics and story! Mexico, indeed!

  9. Posted February 10, 2011 at 5:04 pm | Permalink

    I love your writing style 🙂

    I’m from Philly too and just flew from Philly to Puerto Rico last week. Our first class seats weren’t as nice as yours though!

  10. Posted February 10, 2011 at 5:52 pm | Permalink

    Okay maybe I didn’t need to hear about Mexico – cuz now I’m jealous.

    Not really.

    Okay, maybe a little.

    But I am glad you guys went and had a great time. Just next time? Don’t make us wait so long for the story and pictures.

  11. Posted February 10, 2011 at 7:30 pm | Permalink

    Such a mellow vacation! Isn’t it funny how pre-kids your vacations were never, ever as relaxing and totally as amazing as they are now, with kids in your life? And I mean the vacations where we get to go off and just be silly, relaxed adults and leave the kids home. That was a confusing sentence, I know, but I couldn’t write it any other way!

    Hubby and I will be headed off for our honeymoon in 2 months. The thing is, we have been married SIX years! 10 days in Scotland. We have SO paid our dues — time to cut loose!

  12. Posted February 10, 2011 at 8:56 pm | Permalink

    I went to Cancun when I was 16 and ended up throwing up and shitting all over the Marriott. So thanks for the PTSD, asshole.

  13. Posted February 10, 2011 at 9:54 pm | Permalink

    Beauuuutiful photos. Looks like you had a seriously lovely time.

  14. Posted February 11, 2011 at 10:04 am | Permalink

    Usually I hate warm weather and sun and resorts, but man that looks wonderful.

  15. Posted February 11, 2011 at 4:31 pm | Permalink

    Beautiful pictures! I just lived vicariously through you for about 2 minutes, you know, the time it took me to read this post and drool over the pictures.

  16. Debi
    Posted February 11, 2011 at 7:31 pm | Permalink

    I have never been, but now I must! The water looked simply amazing. Loved the picture of WW walking away…she’s a beauty coming and going. So glad you guys had a great time.

  17. Kathy
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 10:03 am | Permalink

    The photo of you and WW is great. The photos of the resort make me want to like beach vacations.

  18. Lori
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm | Permalink

    Those genuine smiles in the last pic was worth the wait to hear this story. ahhhh

  19. amy
    Posted February 14, 2011 at 6:28 pm | Permalink

    What a great trip! And what great photos! I am sorry that the year went so seriously downhill after that.

    I know what you mean about the tropics. I live in So Cal and it ain’t tropical enough for me. I am hoping that bf and I can move to the Caribbean in the next two years and begin our retirement about 23 years early…

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