Mother Nature is a heartless wench who will turn your own children against you

When I was a little boy, and thunder rumbled in the distance, my mother would react as though the approaching storm was an Afghani mortar attack instead of a minor weather event. Because of this, I spent much of my childhood reacting to thunderstorms in a similarly panicked fashion.

When my mother was a little girl, and thunder rumbled in the distance, her parents presumably reacted calmly … until that one time when the electricity went out during a storm, and they sent her to get from her upstairs bedroom something to play with, and she opened the door at the bottom of the staircase, and looked up to see that the second floor was engulfed in flames … because lightning had struck the house.

So she gets a pass.

Fortunately, by the time I became a parent, I had learned not only to not panic over the arrival of an electrical storm, but to rather enjoy it. And when the sound of thunder caused my own young children to react in an understandably fearful manner, my wife and I would calmly reassure them that there was nothing to be afraid of.

Let us travel back in time, shall we? Destination: The kitchen of our former home in Massachusetts, June of last year. The sky is dark, the lightning is flashing, the thunder is rumbling, and the rain has suddenly begun to come down in torrents.

We see Wonder Woman standing beside the kitchen table with the then-4-year-old Jayna in her arms and the then-6-year-old Zan by her side. They have been startled by a particularly loud crack of thunder that seemed to emanate from directly above their home.

“Wow, that sure was loud!” says Happy Smiley Reassuring Daddy. “Mother Nature is rocking out, huh guys?”

The children nod nervously, and clearly aren’t buying into Happy Smiley Reassuring Daddy’s bullshit.

Happy Smiley Reassuring Daddy walks around the kitchen table so that he can close the adjacent window.

“Look, guys, I know that’s a scary sound, but there really isn’t anything to be afraid of,” he says as he reaches up and places his hands on the lower window sash. “Mommy and Daddy are right here with you, and we’re all perfectly s—


Holy. Shit.

Let us survey the damage.

Daddy Scratches Weather Tip™: Lightning doesn't give a shit about your driveway.

The Piece Of Wood Formerly Known As Part Of The Fence Post Adjacent To The Big-Ass Hole Blown In The Driveway, The Twig Previously Known As Part Of The Tree That Overhangs The Driveway, and The Many Chunks Of Asphalt Previously Known As Part Of The Driveway

Beware big-ass flying chunks of driveway.
(Basketball and beach ball included for scale.)
(Shitty lawn included to remind me of how much I don't miss our old yard.)

Mercifully small pieces of asphalt that covered my car, which suffered no damage despite being four feet away from the big-ass hole blown in my driveway.

Needless to say, my credibility became suspect … and Jayna’s fear of thunderstorms was exponentially multiplied.

The extent of her post-traumatic stress became fully evident this summer, when a multi-night string of thunderstorms threw her into a multi-night state of panic about being alone in her bed. Suddenly, bedtime morphed from a pleasant little ritual to a 90-minute-long, screaming-and-crying-filled test of wills.

Strangely, she seemed unmoved by my assurances that it was just a loud noise, and that nothing bad could happen. It was as though she had an overwhelming reason to doubt me.

The thunderstorm-induced bedtime brouhaha continued unabated on non-stormy evenings, and nary a night passed when Jayna didn’t wake multiple times screaming “MOMMY! MOMMY!” (Apparently, she wasn’t interested in being comforted by DADDY WHO LIES ABOUT THE DANGERS OF LIGHTNING.)

This went on all summer. In fact, only just this week has she started to go to sleep at night without first impersonating a crystal-meth-addicted Tasmanian Devil.

With any luck, she’ll get over it before having children of her own. If not, my attempt to break the cycle will have failed. And I’m not good with failure.

Incidentally, I also am not good with being made to look like a deceitful, untrustworthy asshole in front of my children. So thanks for that, Mother Nature. You bitch.

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