Zombie Dinner Party … with your chef, Dr. Hannibal Lector

Before dinner

“Ugh. Brains,” I whispered to Wonder Woman after the chef announced that the third course would include sweetbreads.

“What?”

“Sweetbreads,” I whispered, “are brains.”

“Oh,” she said, sounding rather amused, though far from relieved. “I thought they were balls.”

Hey, they might as well have been balls, because guess what brains and balls both have in common? Neither one goes in my fucking mouth.

Equally as appetizing as balls

Listen, when my mother-in-law sprung for us to attend an expensive benefit dinner at a luxury apartment in the ritziest section of Philadelphia for a meal prepared by the chef of a well-known Italian restaurant, I knew it was unlikely that he’d be serving something as lowbrow as my beloved chicken parmesan, OK? But brains?

And not just any brains, mind you: Veal brains. Yes, that’s right: Brains from cute little baby cows:

Cute little baby cows, whose brains the chef wanted us to eat

Oh, thank you, cute little baby cows, for reminding me about the cringe-worthy first course, featuring:

Tongue is not a food, motherfucker

Please note that there is only one person on this earth to whom I utter the phrase “Give me some tongue,” and that person has neither a penis nor a culinary degree. So if you’re gonna start off my supposedly “Italian” dinner with tongue, the least you could do is disguise it amidst a tangy red sauce and some delicious pasta, am I right? Of course I’m right … which is why I was disappointed when the tongue instead was topped with this:

Now THAT'S Italian!

Ah, yes, that beloved Italian classic: Fried eggs and tongue. (PS: Does anyone have a phone number for the closest pizza joint?)

Thankfully, the second course featured pasta. Ravioli, in fact. Hallelujah. At last, a dish I can really — hey, wait a minute … What the fuck is in my ravioli?

Seriously? What’s for dessert, asshole? Pan-seared unicorn with baby-harp-seal sauce?

Mercifully, dessert turned out to be a plain-old flourless chocolate cake. I think. Probably, he pureed his mother and folded her into the mix … but at least he had the common decency to not tell us about it.

If nothing else, the wine was good. And the company. And the luxury apartment. Next time, though? I’m bringing some chicken parm.

After dinner

Pin It
This entry was posted in Life. Bookmark the permalink.
Post a comment

28 Comments

  1. Posted November 16, 2011 at 3:52 pm | Permalink

    –>I think the pizza sounds pretty damn good at the moment.
    WebSavvyMom´s most recent blog post: When Bowling Balls AttackMy Profile

  2. Katrina
    Posted November 16, 2011 at 4:03 pm | Permalink

    My dad loves to tell the story that his dad enjoyed eggs and brains for breakfast on a regular basis. He said they were salty.

    W.T.F.

  3. Posted November 16, 2011 at 7:13 pm | Permalink

    My Mother said as a child ,younger than Ms. Jana , she would serve me scrambled egss and brains. She said they sold them in a can at the grocery store. When we lived in Georgia.
    Ferngoddess´s most recent blog post: down with itMy Profile

  4. Posted November 16, 2011 at 7:20 pm | Permalink

    Gross. I eat at a restaurant that’s next to my office about once a week that serves up those sweetbread things, and I always decline them.
    the muskrat´s most recent blog post: olive garden > chili’sMy Profile

  5. Posted November 16, 2011 at 7:23 pm | Permalink

    Yeah….this is why I don’t trust those fancy places. God knows what they will try to feed you!
    Gigi´s most recent blog post: How do you go from *this* to *that* overnight??My Profile

  6. Posted November 16, 2011 at 7:36 pm | Permalink

    is it wrong that each time you added a super cute baby animal photo to the illustrate that i laughed instead of gasped? i’m a vegetarian…shouldn’t i be a little upset by this? :)
    Sunday´s most recent blog post: Acres of MoonlightMy Profile

  7. Posted November 16, 2011 at 10:05 pm | Permalink

    I had an 8th grade science teacher that made us eat cow brains as an assignment. I shit you not.
    DogsOnDrugs.com´s most recent blog post: Japanese Music Happy Time Review, Chief!My Profile

  8. Posted November 16, 2011 at 10:31 pm | Permalink

    Sweetbread means brains? Jesus. No wonder I’m always confused. How can I be expected to navigate the world with misnomers like that?
    Team Suzanne´s most recent blog post: If we can’t turn this ship around soon, I’m moving to DetroitMy Profile

  9. Posted November 16, 2011 at 10:52 pm | Permalink

    I think ‘Green Eggs and Tongue’ was the original working title for the Dr. Seuss classic, before the editors overrode him.
    Ben´s most recent blog post: They call me quiet, but I’m a riot…My Profile

  10. Zestydew
    Posted November 16, 2011 at 11:26 pm | Permalink

    My dad loved tongue. and escargot. and cactus. and pickled pigs feet. He also loved menudo. The soup, not the band mind you.

    He was constantly telling me how good it was and how I should just try it. Gross

    “just try it…you’ll like it” he said.

    negative. I am not eating something that used to be able to taste me.

  11. Candice
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 2:37 am | Permalink

    I thought sweetbreads were guts? Have I been wrong all this time? Either way, GUH-ROSS.

  12. Kristine N
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 8:17 am | Permalink

    I can’t stop laughing – OMG my husband would have been out of there in a shot.

    Thanks for getting my day started off on the right track!!!!

  13. Shelly
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 8:20 am | Permalink

    That was hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!

  14. Posted November 17, 2011 at 10:07 am | Permalink

    Your blog is my guilty pleasure. It both amuses and horrifies me!
    kelly´s most recent blog post: P.S. I’m Not SadMy Profile

  15. Andrew
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 10:33 am | Permalink

    Sweet Breads are typically the Thymus or the Pancreas in the USA. Not brains. Brains are just called brains when served. Not that it makes them any better… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweetbreads

    • Wonder Woman
      Posted November 17, 2011 at 11:22 am | Permalink

      He did mention something about the Thalmus, but everyone at the table was referring to brains. Except me and my brother. I was thinking along the lines of rocky mountain oysters which at least kept me from eating it. My brother, on the other hand, was thankful for an appetizer that wasn’t body parts and actually thought he was eating Sweet Bread. I will never forget his face when it became clear to him what he had just consumed!

  16. Alex
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 12:07 pm | Permalink

    Reading your blog always puts a smile on my face!

    I know veal is kinda Italian, but I didn’t realize that brains are. At least he didn’t serve this:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rigatoni_con_la_Pajata

  17. Lunch
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 12:54 pm | Permalink

    I just lost my lunch.

  18. Sheena
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 1:16 pm | Permalink

    I had a similar experience to this in a restaurant in Toronto.

    ‘The Black Hoof” is slated as one of Toronto’s most popular restaurants and dining experiences..and to this day I am not sure why. http://theblackhoof.com/food/

    I knew I was in trouble when ‘Calf Brain Ravioli’ was on one of their specials, with a side of horse tongue. I was so disgusted I had to walk out before my party was done.

    I am with you on this post, why would anyone want to eat this kind of stuff?!

  19. Kristi C
    Posted November 17, 2011 at 4:12 pm | Permalink

    My husband is quite fond of Blood Sausage in addition to sweetbread, tongue, brains, etc.
    I told him if he slips any of the afore-mentioned between his lips, it will be a good 2-3 weeks before he is even allowed to kiss me on the cheek with those lips. ewwww.

  20. Posted November 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm | Permalink

    We ate at a restaurant in Montreal that served “tarte du cheval”. My high school French quickly kicked into gear; I instantly knew they were serving raw horse carpaccio.

    Glad the vino was good! Your graphics were hilarious :)
    Meg at the Members Lounge´s most recent blog post: I Can’t Help Myself Friday. How I Can Help the Secret Service!My Profile

  21. Posted November 23, 2011 at 2:16 am | Permalink

    This sounds hilariously awful…. FYI… Pan seared unicorn asshole tastes absolutely nothing like chicken!!! Trust me!
    Mind of a Madman´s most recent blog post: The Thanksgiving Picture PostMy Profile

  22. Posted December 1, 2011 at 8:37 am | Permalink

    Ew. Just Ewwww. And blech.
    Grammy´s most recent blog post: Pray for thine enemies??My Profile

  23. Gullible
    Posted December 3, 2011 at 9:05 pm | Permalink

    HEY!!! Where are you? Still barfing?

    Just for you: http://www.epicurious.com/tools/fooddictionary/entry/?id=4834

    • Posted December 5, 2011 at 10:56 am | Permalink

      Thanks for the info/clarification. Unfortunately, I couldn’t read all of it, because I started to throw up by the end of the first sentence.

  24. Roan
    Posted December 5, 2011 at 11:23 am | Permalink

    LOL, just had a good laugh while reading the article. Nice to know you make it simple and with pictures to help illustrate and give humor.
    Roan´s most recent blog post: how to meet womenMy Profile

  25. Eric Bunde
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 3:02 pm | Permalink

    “What’s for dessert, asshole? Pan-seared unicorn with baby-harp-seal sauce?” Love it.

  26. Posted March 26, 2014 at 4:45 pm | Permalink

    I am absolutely, completely and totally in favor of using every part of the animals we kill for food… But I don’t want to eat brain. I will eat liver. I might even try tongue. But brain? No. I’d rather feed that to the dogs. It just seems like the consistency would be, I dunno, “off” or something.

    As for rabbit, I will eat it all the live long day. My dad and his parents all raise rabbits for food and it is freaking delicious. They’re a fast growing source of lean protein, and a barbequed rabbit leg is amazing. I don’t understand the squick factor in eating rabbits. “They’re cute!” is not a good enough reason for me not to eat it, especially since rabbit populations aren’t exactly in danger of extinction.
    Katy Bug´s most recent blog post: Bedhammer: A Story of ParanoiaMy Profile

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge