A letter to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

Don't judge me, you bastards. I defy ANY of you to do this job and NOT drink.

Dear Zan & Jayna,

I’ve tried to be nice, children. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on the shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky locale your father I could find. And I’ve tried.

I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And they I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but after the display the two of you put on this morning, it has become clear to me that my pixie-ish grin and my kind, blue eyes aren’t getting the message across … so here’s how it’s gonna be:

You two are going to get with the program right now, because if you don’t, there’s going to be nothing but a fuckload of coal up in this bitch next Sunday, you dig? And, no, this isn’t the booze talking. Don’t let the red pajamas and goofy look plastered on my face fool you, OK? Because I will cut a bitch.

Boy Child: Enough! Enough with the whining and the crying and the moody outbursts and the falling apart about every little thing your sister does. Stop being such a pussy. You think you’ve got it bad? How do you think I feel, huh? I’ve gotta live with you lunatics, sit stock still all day long, then spend every night flying back and forth to the North Pole so I can report your behavior to Santa! I mean, SERIOUSLY? All the technology that fat fuck delivers every Christmas, and he can’t figure out how to text? I’ve gotta fly the message to him? Asshole.

Girl Child: Same goes for you! STOP. IT. You’re cute, but you also are a spectacular ball-buster. Stop provoking your brother, because if you don’t, and he decides to smack you down, I will turn a blind eye. The jolly fat man won’t hear a word of it from me. What he will hear about, however, is your constant “No!”-ing and back-talking and grunting and screaming and crying every time your parents ask you to do something. That shit’s over.

Repeat after me, children: “OK, Mommy. OK, Daddy.”

Good. Now stick to that script and you might actually have a shot at seeing the crap-ton of ridiculously expensive shit your parents put themselves in hock for gifts Santa is planning to give you this year.

Love,

Dusty

Pin It
zv7qrnb
This entry was posted in Jayna, Parenthood, Zan. Bookmark the permalink.
Post a comment

24 Comments

  1. Katrina
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 11:27 am | Permalink

    That Elf is one creepy bastard that I refuse to let in my house for fear he’ll get me at night.

    • Kristin
      Posted December 21, 2011 at 11:39 am | Permalink

      I’m with Katrina. He is beyond scary.

  2. Posted December 20, 2011 at 11:54 am | Permalink

    Seriously – what is WITH the whining this time of year? I suppose it’s better than the stomach flu.
    Allison´s most recent blog post: My Twelve Days of ChristmasMy Profile

  3. Sandy H
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 12:02 pm | Permalink

    Dude. Can I use this letter for my OWN kids? It seems like the week before christmas is the WORST. I also decided to pottytrain my son this week, so I kinda put myself in the position from hell, but if my daughter rolls her eyes at me ONE more time, or if either one of them ….. grrr. It’s been never ending fighting. And the one hasn’t even STARTED her christmas break yet.
    I’m gonna go ahead and throw myself from a moving vehicle now. It won’t be as painful, and imagine the peace and quiet I’ll get from the hospital room. yeah.

  4. Melissa
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 12:13 pm | Permalink

    Awesome. ’bout time someone said what we all know those little elves are thinking! Crossing my fingers the rest of this week goes smoother for you- or that at least you have enough beers to make it through. Thanks for making me giggle everytime I read your blog! Merry Christmas!

  5. Posted December 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm | Permalink

    Sooooo… your son isn’t 8 or about 8, is he?
    All My Monkeys´s most recent blog post: Nothing importantMy Profile

    • caroline
      Posted December 20, 2011 at 2:41 pm | Permalink

      Seriously. I have a just about 8 year old boy and an almost 5 year old girl and this letter could be written for them. Word for word.

      But we do not have the creepy elf in our house, so house, so I just threaten them with no Santa. “Santa is probably VERY disappointed in you. I wouldn’t give you anything if I were him.”

  6. Posted December 20, 2011 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

    And that is precisely why no Elf shall EVER reside in my house.
    Creepy bastard.
    Penny´s most recent blog post: T1Parents, Read this at Bennet’s YDMVMy Profile

  7. Allyssa
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 12:50 pm | Permalink

    Wow. I thought it was just my house. We’re not doing the elf thing (too much pressure!), but I finally pulled the Santa card this morning…twice in the space of about 30 min. I don’t know what alien has taken over my sweet child’s mind, but I hope it goes back where it came from soon. Insanity!

  8. Posted December 20, 2011 at 1:42 pm | Permalink

    I loved the touch of holiday ale! Good bokeh too!
    Meg at the Members Lounge´s most recent blog post: All Santa Wants Is For Me To Be Fit.My Profile

  9. Lola
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 2:11 pm | Permalink

    Yes…kids are terrible this time of year. You would think the elf would help.
    At least th elf has good taste in beer. :)

  10. kacy
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 2:31 pm | Permalink

    Funniest thing by far I have ever seen “Elfie” as he is called in our house do, or say!! Love it!! I feel exactly the same way.

  11. Tammy
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 8:18 pm | Permalink

    Absolutely freaking love this. My kis are now 19 & 17 so I’m not here anymore, but I soooo remember these days.

  12. Nicole
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 8:30 pm | Permalink

    Is Dusty willing to share some of that porter? Cheers to that, elf-man.

  13. Wendy
    Posted December 20, 2011 at 8:51 pm | Permalink

    One of my coworkers says that one year, when she and her brother got up Christmas morning, there were no gifts for them under the tree. Just stuff for mom and dad. “Boy, Santa must be very disappointed in you two,” they were told. Eventually it was discovered that Santa had “accidentally” left their presents in another room. She remembers is as being about 3 hours later, but suspects it was probably less than 30 seconds. In retrospect, she now realizes how hilarious and satisfying her parents must have found this.

  14. Posted December 21, 2011 at 12:11 pm | Permalink

    The elf has a point.

  15. Posted December 22, 2011 at 10:18 am | Permalink

    Dying laughing. I totally want to have a drink with that elf. He has a lot to say. I don’t have kids, but my husband and I have a nephew and niece. We just get to watch all of this unfold from the sidelines.

  16. Lisa
    Posted December 23, 2011 at 8:23 pm | Permalink

    Sounds like it’s been a bad day.

    I didn’t have to put up with that, only had one child. Unless you count all his Dad’s whining. (No wonder we’re not married any more;)

    At least Dusty has good taste in beer!

  17. Catherine
    Posted January 1, 2012 at 5:13 pm | Permalink

    Freakin’ hysterical! I hope you enjoyed your christmas and gophers to a happy, healthy 2012!

  18. Catherine
    Posted January 1, 2012 at 5:15 pm | Permalink

    Okay…so I think Apple likes to mess with you on spellcheck. I do not wish that you enjoyed your gophers. It should have been “here’s to”. Happy new year!

  19. Andrea
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 1:21 pm | Permalink

    OMG…I am dying over here laughing. I’m at work and I can’t get it together… Shhhhh. Funny stuff!

  20. Posted April 18, 2012 at 10:41 am | Permalink

    hahahahahahaha….hilarious. HILARIOUS. Oh please rerun this next year during elf on the shelf season. This is awesome!
    Holly from 300 Pound´s most recent blog post: Being willing to failMy Profile

  21. Posted January 23, 2013 at 1:47 pm | Permalink

    I don’t have kids. But, I feel the same as Dusty with some kids I know. I used to teach … man the letters I could have written. Again, hilarious post. Glad I found your blog!

One Trackback

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge