Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme.

Painintheassacillin

I know it tastes disgusting.
I know you don’t like it.
But look into my eyes; you’ll see
that I don’t give a shit.

I felt for you the first time.
Was patient as can be.
I tolerated meltdowns
for doses two and three.

But now we’re on day 5 of 10
and I want you to know
that if you don’t just drink it down,
my stack I’m going to blow.

I thought by now you’d get it.
I thought you’d have a clue.
The medicine? You’re taking it …
no matter what you do.

I don’t care if you scream and cry
and whine and hold your breath
and act just like a demon
who’s been smoking crystal meth.

The fact is: You must take it.
I know it’s lousy luck.
And I agree: It sure tastes gross…
but I don’t give a fuck!

Now take it! Take it! Take it!
Stop torturing yourself!
Cuz if you don’t, I’m going to tell
that motherfucking elf!

I’m sorry. I don’t mean to yell.
I know that it was wrong.
But Jesus Christ, a one-hour fit
is really way too long.

Too long for me to keep my cool
while both my eardrums bleed.
And yet, you’ve made me realize
that there’s a pressing need.

A need for pharmacologists
to take some kind of class
and learn how to make medicine
that doesn’t taste like ass.

So all you pharmacologists?
Please do parents a favor:
Get in the lab, roll up your sleeves
and make a brand new flavor.

I mean it. I’m not kidding
and I’m not just being crabby.
If you don’t solve this problem now
I’m going to get real stabby.

The End

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43 Comments

  1. Posted February 1, 2012 at 3:32 pm | Permalink

    Best. Post. Ever. Seriously, call up the publishers that did the Go the Fuck to Sleep book. This is genius!

  2. Posted February 1, 2012 at 3:37 pm | Permalink

    Amoxil used to come pre-flavored (bubblegum? Who knows – it was pink, and the kids never complained), but the manufacturer changed it. With five kids, we go through it often enough. O.o I just fork over the extra $2.99 and add a flavor.
    Ang´s most recent blog post: Wednesday Words: Not a FanMy Profile

  3. Ali
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 3:38 pm | Permalink

    Omg that was hysterical. The demon on crystal meth line killed me. You’re pretty good at those, you should write them more often!

  4. Posted February 1, 2012 at 3:41 pm | Permalink

    No fucking kidding. Those invention guys need to get with the program. I’ll bet none of them have kids.

    Our pharmacy sells amoxy in that nastful bubblegum flavor… and ‘strawberry’. I have found that those little pink and white iced circus animal cookies (Mother’s) make most excellent bribes. I don’t care how many it takes. They have an adequate sweetness intensity to mask nearly any evil.
    XLMIC´s most recent blog post: Laughter is the best medicine…My Profile

  5. Melissa
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 3:56 pm | Permalink

    As a reader of a gazillion blogs but an almost-never commenter, I’m coming out of the woodwork for this. I just discovered your blog yesterday…I was reading The Bloggess’s latest post and clicked over when I saw the title of your last post in your comment. As someone who has been fighting the “mommy can we please get a dog” fight since my kids were old enough to talk, I looooooved your post. So much so, that I called my husband over to the computer and demanded he read it right that very minute. (Sadly, he is siding with this kids on this particular fight, so he was not as amused.)

    Then I saw today’s post and I’m a little scared that you might be spying on us for content. But unfortunately, we are only on day 3 of amoxicillin at our house. But fortunately [whispering quietly], we only have one kid on it at the moment. If we make it until tomorrow without the other one coming down with the dreaded strep, I’ll do a little dance of joy. But still…the next seven days are gonna be rough. We have mixed that crap with juice, milk, gatorade, you name it…and it’s still a friggin temper tantrum every. single. dose.

    • Julie
      Posted February 2, 2012 at 9:04 am | Permalink

      Melissa,
      If you’re a new reader you must check out the Feb 09 Archives, ” Another Mouth to Feed”. My all time favorite parenting blogpost…

      And, Scratches, it took two of us to get medicine into the two-year old last week. Fun times.

      • Dorice
        Posted February 2, 2012 at 5:32 pm | Permalink

        Oh Baby Tinks & Poops. A classic indeed.

  6. Posted February 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm | Permalink

    Preach it, Brotha! My 5-yr-old needs Claratin every day to combat the Springtime allergies brought on by unseasonably warm weather. (Thanks, Mother Nature! Whore.) Every damn night there are hysterics. Last night I resorted to chanting “Chug! Chug! Chug!” It worked. I fully expect a phone call after her 1st weekend at college telling when she finally gets the joke…

  7. Posted February 1, 2012 at 4:39 pm | Permalink

    That was exactly what I needed to read right now. Hilarious! Thank you.

  8. Candice
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 4:44 pm | Permalink

    Freaking. Hilarious! Pure poetry gold!

  9. Posted February 1, 2012 at 5:21 pm | Permalink

    Seriously, I’m crying right now. That was freaking hilarious!
    Meg at the Members Lounge´s most recent blog post: The Tweets You Wish Politicians Wrote.My Profile

  10. Posted February 1, 2012 at 5:31 pm | Permalink

    fucking brilliant (as always)! passing on right nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnow.
    Sunday´s most recent blog post: Who Knows Where The Time GoesMy Profile

  11. Posted February 1, 2012 at 6:56 pm | Permalink

    Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant. Anyone who has ever had to physically hold their child down while pouring medicine down their throat can totally relate. I understand that their is some kind of “flavoring” they can add now….it’s too late for me but maybe it’ll work for you.
    Gigi´s most recent blog post: Dear Blogger…..where is MY bling? (or….the one where I post a blatant cry for help in hopes that SOMEONE at Blogger is listening)My Profile

  12. Posted February 1, 2012 at 9:27 pm | Permalink

    OMFG, seeming I have a sick kid right now this seriously made my day! We just went thru a whole freaking meltdown about an hour ago.
    Sober Mommy´s most recent blog post: A bit over whelmedMy Profile

  13. Cara
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 9:34 pm | Permalink

    Dr. Suess is rolling over in his grave, slapping himself for not having written this ode to pharmasuessicals himself.

  14. BestofSeven
    Posted February 1, 2012 at 9:36 pm | Permalink

    Just a suggestion for days 6-10 — have your kid hold his/her nose while swallowing the medicine. Removing the ability to smell dulls the ability to taste and, in turn, makes it a bit more tolerable. Good luck!

  15. Posted February 1, 2012 at 10:15 pm | Permalink

    That ought to be on the side of the medicine bottle.

  16. Posted February 1, 2012 at 10:24 pm | Permalink

    Apparently, if you want to get a pill down a cat’s throat, you shove it to the back of their mouths and then blow into them. Maybe that would work for children with liquid medicine that tastes like ass?

    I definitely think you have an audiobook in there somewhere.

    Freaking awesome.
    Chelle´s most recent blog post: Savannah, Here We Are!My Profile

  17. Posted February 1, 2012 at 10:25 pm | Permalink

    Awesome. That’s all I wanted to say. Just–awesome.

    But the comment nazis here won’t let me leave a post that short (it actually said my post was too short! Hmmmpf! I’ll be the judge of THAT!) So I’ve had to add this additional crappy verbiage. But, whatever. It’s still just awesome.
    Team Suzanne´s most recent blog post: The problem with natural consequencesMy Profile

  18. Posted February 1, 2012 at 10:25 pm | Permalink

    I meant blow into the cat’s mouth. It makes it swallow. I actually watched my vet do this with a cat I have never gotten a pill down ever.

    Just to clarify. I’ve never actually tried this on a child. I used mini M&M’s to teach my kids to swallow pills. They all loved that bubblegum crap, but then they got too big for it.
    Chelle´s most recent blog post: Savannah, Here We Are!My Profile

  19. Irene
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 10:26 am | Permalink

    Eesh, the AUGMENTIN! We just did the same runaround. I finally gave up after 8 days. She was so depressed and it was giving her nasty GI side-effects anyhow (is that too much information?) I tried mixing it with sugar water which made it look truly gross. She said it tasted like “milk mixed with throw-up”, haha.

    Apparently it depends a bit on the pharmacy. Some of them can add flavoring; our lil’ pharmacy here in the woods doesn’t have that sophisticated technology…..sigh….

  20. Shannon
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 10:55 am | Permalink

    My daughter has had to take that before and it is repulsive. Luckily, even the nasty meds she will take without fighting as long as it is liquid, does not like to take pills. We tried the flavoring and she said it did not help, it just made it taste like flavored crap.

  21. mexmom
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm | Permalink

    Awesome post, and of course I feel your pain, we just finished or round of medicine around here.

  22. Posted February 2, 2012 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

    There’s no need for all this violence, you know. Tranquilize the child and then inject the medicine!

  23. Elizabeth B
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 3:33 pm | Permalink

    Your local pharmacy should have several relatively pleasant flavor choices they can add to the medication for you. They should have offered you that option when you picked the meds up.

  24. Posted February 2, 2012 at 10:04 pm | Permalink

    After having spent roughly 2 hours to dispense 2 teaspoons of that shit to my son last year, I salute you! Get thee to the publisher!
    Wombat Central´s most recent blog post: I think there’s a Song in Here SomewhereMy Profile

  25. Nicole
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 1:28 am | Permalink

    Brilliant! No other words.

  26. Kristin
    Posted February 4, 2012 at 7:48 am | Permalink

    Been there. Paid extra for the flavoring, only to have children immediately throw up the expensive medicine made more expensive by expensive flavoring for which I’d traveled to a distant pharmacy & waited for the meds while some woman insisted I was so & so, John’s sister, who had gone to Shippensburg University with her. I used mini M&Ms to teach them to take pills at a very young age. Give it a try…worst case you’ll have an aspirated M&M. Then you can REALLY feel like a good parent.

  27. Posted February 6, 2012 at 1:59 pm | Permalink

    As a long-time lurker but first-time commenter… that was beautiful *sniff, sniff*, heart-warming stuff. Loved it.
    And as many previous comments have also suggested, we flavor our kids’ medicine. Grape seems to be a house favorite. Good luck!

  28. Amber
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 2:08 pm | Permalink

    oh wow! We just started our round yesteray, and I bought Ande’s mints for bribes today! I’d try those :) It’s chocolate at 7 am, but it’s not much…better than a 1 hour stand-off

  29. Amber
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 1:18 pm | Permalink

    UPDATE: mints no longer working…REPEAT: mints no longer working.

    Especially when the medicine is flying past my head at a speed of at least 30 mph.

  30. Amber
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 1:22 pm | Permalink

    oh, and I also wanted to add, I told my husband to get it flavored. He said he asked the pharamacist, to which he responded “Oh there’s no need this stuff tastes great”.

    Really you fucking moron!!!! Have you tasted it? What does your wife cook like, because if this is great then you really must have it bad. I mean…I’m no chef by ANY stretch of the imagination, but neither is McDonald’s, and it tastes better than this stuff. We did tastes it, and it tastes AWFUL! I actually feel bad for forcing my kid to take it. It’s because of this, that I know when the time comes, he’s going to choose the nursing home w/ the worst tasting food, look at me and say “don’t worry mom, this stuff tastes GREAT!”

  31. Pam
    Posted February 10, 2012 at 1:37 pm | Permalink

    You know — my kids are grown now, but I remember the medicine battles vividly. Can’t remember when they took their first step; can remember the screaming and crying and begging. And that was on my part. I can remember trying to bribe the doctor to just give them the penicillin shot. Knew it would hurt like hell and they would be screaming bloody murder, but it would be over relatively quick as opposed to the 10 day (and even possibly 20 or 30 day) battle ahead. I’ve already promised revenge under the disguise of dimentia…

  32. Posted February 17, 2012 at 7:51 pm | Permalink

    While we’re at it:

    I’m sorry you don’t think you like the food I’ve prepared
    J/k just eat the damn food

    Whoops that doesn’t rhyme.
    teisha´s most recent blog post: A Little Hair ExperimentMy Profile

  33. Posted February 17, 2012 at 8:04 pm | Permalink

    Well, ok. I came by to visit because it’s been forever since I checked up on you, and I just wanted to make sure you’re ok. Clearly not the case! Which makes me feel much better because my kids are making me bat shit crazy. By the way, those teen years? Be afraid. Very afraid.
    Melanie´s most recent blog post: A Fine Wine for Any OccasionMy Profile

  34. Posted February 20, 2012 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

    Ha ha we have all been there, my children are all grown up but I can remember feeling tempted to hold them down and pour the bottle down their throats.
    Vivian´s most recent blog post: CleanzillaMy Profile

  35. Posted February 25, 2012 at 1:12 pm | Permalink

    I guess you were able to express every parent frustration in one song.
    cannot agree more.

  36. Posted March 31, 2012 at 10:02 am | Permalink

    Great post. As a parent I feel your pain.
    Andrea (questfordeli´s most recent blog post: Blueberry Muffin CakeMy Profile

  37. Carrie B.
    Posted May 5, 2012 at 2:26 pm | Permalink

    Kinda late now, but the pharmacy at Target will flavor your kid’s medicine for free. Not just bubblegum either.

    http://sites.target.com/site/en/spot/page.jsp?title=pharmacy_flavors

  38. Posted January 24, 2014 at 6:14 pm | Permalink

    You can’t see it, but right now I’m doing the slow, standing-ovation-with-tears-streaming for you. Amazing!
    Lori Estep´s most recent blog post: Fangirl Fridays: Peter Capaldi EditionMy Profile

  39. Posted January 24, 2014 at 6:37 pm | Permalink

    So funny! If this were written in 1980, I’d swear my own parents wrote it.

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