Angry, post-Newtown rant (or: No, asshole face, the Second Amendment doesn’t give you the right to endanger all of us)

If you are someone who would ever consider designing this item, manufacturing this item, selling this item, or hanging this item on your Christmas tree, I have some bad news for you: You're a douche canoe.

If you are someone who would ever consider designing this item, manufacturing this item, selling this item, or hanging this item on your Christmas tree, I have some bad news for you: We’ve all decided that you’re a spectacular asshole.

We took the kids to the mall this past weekend for our annual family photo with Santa, and while standing in line I saw hanging on an adjacent ornament-vendor’s rack the patently offensive item shown above. (And I’m more than just a little ashamed to say that I didn’t, in that moment, have the presence of mind to gather them all up and hand them to the vendor while suggesting that he maybe throw them away.)

“But Jon, that’s obviously for hunting enthusiasts. Lighten up.”

Lighten up? Really? You want me to lighten up? Because here’s the thing: Fuck you. I’m all out of “Lighten up.”

And, yes, you’re right: That ornament obviously was created for hunting enthusiasts … but I’m certain — or, at least, I’d like to believe — that there are a number of hunting enthusiasts who would look at that ornament and say “Wow. Only a spectacular asshole would buy that.”

I’m also sure, however, that there are a number of hunting enthusiasts who would look at that ornament and say “Dadgum, I gotta get me one o’ them thar kick-ass orny-ments!” I would further venture to guess that the hunting enthusiasts who fall into this latter category are members of the gun-nut faction that rants and raves about an individual’s right to have unfettered access to every kind of firearm known to mankind.

“Yes, but Jon, the Second Amendment says—”

Fuck you and your Second Amendment, asshole. For starters, the Second Amendment was written in a day and age when the only guns available were single-shot muskets that took at least 15 seconds to reload.

Also, P.S.? The Second Amendment, which all you fucking gun nuts quote as being “The right to bear arms shall not be infringed”? That’s only part of the sentence, douchebags. Here’s what the Second Amendment ACTUALLY says:

“A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.”

News flash: A “well regulated militia” doesn’t mean “every flaming asshole with insecure feelings about his penis” or “every rich divorcee who thinks it would be fun to buy a military-grade assault rifle and join the local target club” … and it most certainly doesn’t mean people like this douche canoe:

I like to call this 'The Luckiest Cameraman in the World.'

All of that changed, however, when in 2008 the conservative majority of the Supreme Court decided that, despite two centuries’ worth of legal rulings to the contrary, the Second Amendment actually does bestow upon individual citizens the right of unfettered gun ownership. The majority opinion in the 5-4 Supreme Court Ruling was written by Justice Antonin Scalia. Here’s a 2007 picture of Scalia:

Supreme Court Justice/Gun Nut Anton Scalia

He’s the guy on the left … on the cover of ‘The New Gun Week’ magazine. The picture accompanied a feature that The Huffington Post described as follows:

[An] article celebrating the ambassadorship bestowed on Scalia by the World Forum on the Future of Sport Shooting Activities (WFSA), an international organization comprised primarily of gunmakers and pro-gun organizations (including the National Rifle Association and the Second Amendment Foundation) from around the world.
[Emphasis mine.]

So, in other words, the man who in 2008 was largely responsible for striking down 220-plus-years’ worth of legal precedent in which court after court ruled that the Second Amendment doesn’t mean everyone gets to have their own fucking arsenal … was honored in 2007 as an ambassador of the gun industry.

Am I the only one who thinks this is batshit crazy?

And it is against this backdrop that nightmares like Aurora and Newtown are taking place.

All of which is to say: I’m so upset about what happened last Friday that I don’t know what to do with myself. Ranting about the fucked-up gun culture in this country seems like as good a place to start as any. Asking you to add your name to this petition seems like another. (Yes, you have to go through the inconvenience of creating an account on the White House’s website. Suck it up, motherfuckers. If you have time to create a Facebook account and a Twitter account and a Flickr account and a Pinterest account and an Instagram account so that you can clutter up the Internet with pictures of your fucking cat, you have time for this. Hell, I know you have time for it by virtue of the fact that you’re sitting here reading my dumb fucking blog.)

This is my third holiday season at my current workplace, and today was the third time I’ve been on hand for an annual holiday performance by a kindergarten class from a private school owned and operated by my employer. It was pretty similar to the performances I’d seen the previous two times … with the one major difference being that it was the first one during which my eyes kept filling with tears as I watched the 20-or-so beautiful, innocent, happy little kids sing their hearts out and tried to push from my mind the horrific thoughts of last Friday that keep flooding my brain every time I see a little kid … especially my own.

We have a responsibility to each other as a society to do something about our out-of-control gun culture. When you live in a country where those beautiful, innocent, happy little kids are getting gunned down by some monster toting a military-grade assault rifle, you can rest assured that YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. And all you gun nuts who say otherwise should get a clue … because using the argument that you must have your own private arsenal just in case you need to overthrow the government is a crock of shit.

You see, the thing is: The rest of us common-sense-having types aren’t nearly as afraid of the government as we are of you dumb motherfuckers with your assault weapons and concealed handguns.

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  1. Posted December 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm | Permalink

    A-fucking-men brother.
    Smokeynall´s most recent blog post: The First Goalie Post.My Profile

  2. Melissa
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 4:55 pm | Permalink

    Signature # 193,096 here…and Amen to every single word you just wrote. Living in Texas where not only is my Facebook feed and local media overflowing with “you will pry my gun out of my cold, dead hands” sentiment, but now our governor would like for our teachers to be able to carry them on school campuses, I’m angry and disgusted. The day I’ll allow my first grader to attend a school where her teacher is carrying a concealed handgun…the fifteenth of fucking never.

  3. Robyn
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 4:56 pm | Permalink

    This is exactly what I’ve been saying. I’m so glad you wrote this. I wish more people could see things this way. I also wish the media could be penalized for glorifying this shit. That said, enjoy your holiday. Hug your beautiful family. I am so glad you’re back to blogging. 🙂

  4. ten9t9
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 5:04 pm | Permalink

    I do agree with you…but there are other contributing factors that I am amazed that I haven’t heard one person bring up. How about the culture of aggressiveness that is instilled into children when they grow up with video games that are all about killing and destruction? Don’t you kind of think that it anesthetizes them to the emotions that would ordinarily stop this kind of behavior? I haven’t heard one person rant about banning the violent video games…the ones that are really the models used by the armed forces to train soldiers to kill. I believe they contribute to the culture of violence that breeds the people who are able to commit these atrocities. The guns are instruments…the people are the killers.

    • Joe
      Posted December 26, 2012 at 11:22 am | Permalink

      All of these factors are present in the rest of the world, where these massacres do not occur. Call of Duty, etc, are incredibly popular the world over…

  5. MR
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 5:07 pm | Permalink

    I am not as eloquent as you so the only word I have to add to this is: AMEN. I hope this post is shared and re-shared.

  6. heidig
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 8:41 pm | Permalink

    Amen Jon, AMEN!!

  7. Posted December 19, 2012 at 9:38 pm | Permalink

    AMEN!!!! Things need to change. And they need to change fast.
    Gigi´s most recent blog post: Heartbroken…..My Profile

  8. Terry Scalzo
    Posted December 20, 2012 at 10:28 pm | Permalink

    Fuck yes! Brilliant! Also loved your tweet about about Mike Huckabee. That guy is a world class dumbass……..

  9. Lola
    Posted December 24, 2012 at 11:16 am | Permalink

    Amen to that Daddy Scratches! I’m signing the petition right now.

  10. Jan
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 7:31 pm | Permalink

    BRAVO! You have put into words what so many people are thinking and feeling. The NRA and their cultist card-toters are becoming more and more outnumbered by the day. If they don’t like it, they need to leave the country. For it is they who are the new domestic terrorists.

  11. TAC
    Posted January 14, 2013 at 1:06 pm | Permalink

    You are the stupid asshole.You are so secure with your big government,that you think its impossible, that the govt could never become criminal here.You are wrong.You also believe we could never be invaded by a hostile outside govt.
    Good,then you can be the first helpless ASSHOLE to the gas chambers,or whatever else THEY,have in store for you,Jerk

  12. Posted January 20, 2013 at 9:30 pm | Permalink

    Wow. I’ve read a lot of articles/blogs/opinions covering this fucked up shooting over the past month and nobody said it like you. I think I love you.
    Keep writing! Also, keep using the f-word because I really like not being the only one with a potty mouth.

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