♫ It’s the least … wonderful tiiime … of the yeeearrr ♬

Nighty-night. Wake me in June.

Wake me when it’s summer, m’kay?

Well, the holidays are over, boys and girls, and you know what that means: Time for me to slide into my cryogenic sleep chamber and get all kinds of unconscious for the next few months!

Listen, I can handle the fall. I don’t like it … but I can handle it. In fact, if we could go from summer to fall and then right back to summer again, I’d be all smiles when fall showed up. Based on the current arrangement, however, fall is just nature’s equivalent of a used-car dealer pulling a shitty bait-and-switch routine.

“You’re looking for Summer? Well, we’re all out of those, but lemme show you something that I think you’re really gonna love. Step right this way and feast your eyes on … FALL! Isn’t she a beauty? Yessiree, my friend: Fall is just like summer … only BETTER! Look at that beautiful foliage! So colorful! And that weather! So mild and dry!

“What’s that? Dark at 4 o’clock in the afternoon? Well, yes, this model does feature a one-hour time change, but that doesn’t happen for a while, and plus— Say what? You heard that all the pretty leaves fall off the trees, leaving behind the most depressingly desolate landscape you’ve ever seen? OK, technically, yes, that’s true, but— Plummeting temperatures? Well, granted things do cool down a bit, but — WAIT! NO! DON’T OPEN THE TRUNK!”

BLAM!!!!

shoveling

… thafuck?

Yeah, like that.

Now, as much as I despise the transition from fall to winter, I’m fairly adept at convincing myself that the November and December climate change is just part of a holiday-season set piece … and, taken in that context, I’m OK with it. In fact, I had the most delightful holiday season of my life this year, and when the first snowflakes of this winter began to fall on Christmas Eve, I was totally down with the magic of the moment.

It’s January 8th. The magic’s gone, bitch.

There are few things more bleak and dreary than early January. As soon as the decorations are stowed in the attic and the Christmas tree has been relegated to the trash heap, I’m ready to suck down a propofol shake and slip into a five-month coma.

Unfortunately, my propofol connections have all dried up and the cryogenic sleep chamber I’ve been working on hasn’t quite gelled … so it looks like I’m going to have to do what I did last year … which is to drag my ass out of bed before sunup and torture myself work out like a mental patient in the hopes that the endorphin rush will keep me from curling up in the fetal position until June.

So, you know … I have that to look forward to.

Hey, do any of you have a Caribbean mansion I can borrow for a few months?

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18 Comments

  1. Sandy H.
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 3:36 pm | Permalink

    I’m so glad you’re back at it! Winter totally blows. I live in Ohio, so I feel your pain.

    I’m leaving my christmas lights on the house AND on every night, just to brighten up our gray, snow/mud covered dead end road. (Plus, the added bonus of looking like a lazy redneck keeps people away. Run! RUN!)

    Spring will be here before we know it. (Lies! All lies!)
    So make the most of it, and get drunk. :) Glad to have you back.

  2. Posted January 8, 2013 at 3:40 pm | Permalink

    I live in Western Washington State. We have raaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnn. I’ll take it tho. We don’t have to shovel rain and 85% of the people here know how to drive in it.

    Hope your world thaws out soon!

  3. Maggie
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 3:53 pm | Permalink

    “There are few things more bleak and dreary than early January.” Except February. Which although the shortest month of the year feels like the longest, at least it does here in Michigan.

  4. Danielle
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

    Yeah, I was going to say: “Uh, I think you’re mistaking January for February, there my friend.”

    Ah, February. The longest shortest shitty month of the year. I can barely wait.

  5. Posted January 8, 2013 at 4:11 pm | Permalink

    FYI: When I said “There are few things more bleak and dreary than early January”? February is one of those things.

  6. BestofSeven
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 5:11 pm | Permalink

    I swear, the *only* thing that gets me through January/February is the fact that the days are getting longer. It’s kind of sad how happy I was to actually see the sun on my commute home tonight.

  7. Lynn
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 1:01 am | Permalink

    Seriously? You are funny…but do you talk like this around your family?

  8. Jamie, Mom of 3
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 9:18 am | Permalink

    Funny! 2 of our children were born in January and February…we live in Wisconsin. Fun rides to and from the hospital…

  9. Posted January 9, 2013 at 10:41 pm | Permalink

    I seriously let forth a long, rolling belly laugh when I scrolled down and was confronted with the “BLAM” and that wonderful photo. It was a nice way to end an otherwise crappy January day.

  10. Posted January 10, 2013 at 12:18 am | Permalink

    Funny, that’s kind of what we feel like from about June to September. But if you’re looking for an escape, Arizona is beautiful THIS time of year…
    Heidi´s most recent blog post: Why Do You Write?My Profile

  11. Posted January 10, 2013 at 10:28 am | Permalink

    Your shitty shitty attitude ensures you’ll just have more snow.
    Father Muskrat´s most recent blog post: a new edition!My Profile

  12. Posted January 10, 2013 at 4:12 pm | Permalink

    I’m the same way. Once the decorations come down the gloves should come off (or mittens if that’s your thing). It gets downright chilly here in Los Angeles.
    Whit´s most recent blog post: For Ghosts of Christmas PastMy Profile

  13. Judy
    Posted January 10, 2013 at 5:23 pm | Permalink

    Don’t listen to whoever said Arizona is beautiful this time of year. Once you leave here a few years your blood turns to salsa and anything under triple digits leaves you with a chill, which granted you don’t have to shovel but is still bleak and dreary and cold. Loved the photo after BLAM.

  14. Tulip
    Posted January 15, 2013 at 9:32 am | Permalink

    Hey, down here in the Appalachians of east TN, it’s been raining enough that people are seriously talking about arks. We live on a mountain where a couple from Florida scraped off a flat place for their log home without asking anyone’s advice about time of year or technique. The view from their unstable, falling-down-the-mountain mud hole is still amazing, but construction could get interesting. BUT — having lived in Philadelphia, I’d still choose this place.

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