Burger King spiked my co-worker’s fries with a mind-altering substance

I can't believe I ate this

That is the only logical explanation for what I am about to tell you.

It all started with a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich.

We ran out of sliced turkey … and being the financially sensible (read: broke) person that I am, I decided that, rather than eat out, I would bring to work a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich.

Lunchtime arrived. I was weak. Faint. Famished. I ate the peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich. It was, shall we say, less than satisfying.

I was fucking starving. To death, even. Death was imminent.

My co-worker, meanwhile, opted for Burger King … a place from which I had not eaten a single morsel in more than 10 years.

It was 2002 when last I visited the kingdom of burgers. During a pit stop at a rest area in New Jersey, delirious from hunger, I somehow succumbed to the vile call of a bacon double cheeseburger, fries and a chocolate shake. Halfway through that psychotic episode, my hunger-suppressed ability to feel revulsion finally kicked in and I tossed the remainder of my “meal” in the trash while simultaneously using the Jedi mind trick on my wife.

“You shall tell no one what you just saw.”

I shall tell no one what I just saw.

“This is not the meal I was looking for.”

This is not the meal you were looking for.

And so, aside from that one regrettable episode, I have been fast-food-burger-joint-free for roughly two decades.

Which is why I’m convinced that what happened the other day had to involve my unwitting consumption of a hallucinogenic drug.

It must have been on the fries. They smelled so good … and amplified to an unimaginable degree the inadequacy of the peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich that was taking up an infinitesimally small part of my still-growling stomach.

Then it happened. My friend offered me a fry. I ate it … and lost my fucking mind.

The rest is a blur. Someone — surely not me — took my car through the Burger King drive-through. I saw a hand reaching out to pay the headset-wearing merchant of death. It looked like my hand. But it couldn’t be … because that same hand was then holding a bag containing Burger King “food.” What madness is this??

Before I knew it, the contents of that bag had found their way into my stomach, and I spent the rest of the day burping and hiccuping and half hoping that the whole fucking mess would come gushing back out of my mouth like a disgusting geyser of fat and grease and “beef” and space-age preservatives that could keep an uneaten Burger King burger in mint condition until long after the sun burns out.

So I’m looking forward to never eating there again.

P.S.: This is why monarchies are bad, people.

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  1. Posted January 31, 2013 at 6:53 pm | Permalink

    HA! The fries will get you every time. EVERY time!
    Gigi´s most recent blog post: Groupon…who knew it could tell you something new about the town in which you live?My Profile

  2. Posted February 1, 2013 at 10:02 am | Permalink
  3. Posted February 1, 2013 at 10:28 am | Permalink

    I don’t eat there that much but the fries that always get to me are MD’s… and I keep coming back even when I hate the food.
    Mexmom´s most recent blog post: From sickness to parentingMy Profile

  4. Jamie, Mom of 3
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

    Chicken sandwich would be the only thing I’d eat there. More of a McDonalds gal.

  5. Posted February 1, 2013 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

    I have the same kind of relationship with Whataburger. I mean once in a while, I’ll just get this all consuming craving and I’ll go and eat. But I never leave Whataburger saying “What a burger” as the commercials suggest. Instead I leave with self loathing and regret. I’m not proud.
    Smokeynall´s most recent blog post: HEY!! BLOW ME!!! A KISS!!My Profile

  6. Posted February 1, 2013 at 7:29 pm | Permalink

    I feel your pain. And I mean that – as you know – literally.

    In the callow days of my youth, I could, and regularly did, eat 10-12 Krystal “hamburgers” at one setting. There wasn’t any nobility or sense of achievement since the 15-year-old digestive system is impervious to nearly everything in both quality and quantity.

    Somehow, in the intervening decades, my GI system became sentient and began actively rejecting Krystals, and with so much pain and drama and unpredictability that I no longer risk them. This is a shame in a way because the damn things still smell so good.

    Some BK fries every few years probably won’t kill you. Probably.
    Jan´s most recent blog post: headphones recommendedMy Profile

  7. Nicole
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 4:02 am | Permalink

    BARF. I loathe fast food. If I walk by anyone of those chains, my stomach churns with the smell. Heck, I felt nauseous simply reading this post. *shudder*

  8. Posted February 4, 2013 at 6:03 pm | Permalink

    When we drove cross country from MA to TX, we had to often partake of such things as a Burger King breakfast. I too, had been almost 15 years distant from partaking of that gaping maw of a grease pit. Sounds like you are good for another 20?

  9. Posted February 5, 2013 at 10:59 am | Permalink

    You know that is why they vent the fryers the way that they do? To get people with the smell of “fresh fries”…. and then sell them a burger at the same time.
    The problem with your PBJ was not that it wasn’t inherently healthy and satisfying – you just needed a banana and a granola bar to go with it… or french fries.

  10. Telzey Amberdon
    Posted February 6, 2013 at 11:02 am | Permalink

    It isn’t your fault; there was a whole segment on 60 Minutes about chemists (called flavorists) figuring out how to make food, food that’s really REALLY bad for you, addictive. They taste-test and add or subtract chemicals until they have a winner. So, totally not your fault, crap food really is designed to be freakishly addictive, by people with PhDs. CBS News online still has the segment up:

    Tweaking tastes and creating cravings
    November 27, 2011 12:45 PM
    Meet the scientists who create flavors that make foods and beverages so tasty that critics say they’re addictive. Morley Safer reports.
    The Flavorists: Tweaking tastes and creating cravings

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