Fuck you, snow.

If you can read this, please send help. I'm being held captive in a place where it SNOWS.

We’ve long ago established how much I detest winter, yes? Then you can imagine the joy that filled me near to bursting as I drove home from work in today’s blizzard.

It took me almost two-and-a-half hours to cover 13 miles. Most of that time was spent sitting at a dead stop … but the rare moments during which I was moving were made all the more lively by the exciting manner in which my tiny, little, 15-year-old, far-too-light, front-wheel-drive sled — er, car — spun its tires in place and made repeated overtures toward sliding off the roadway. (Granted, it would have had plenty of company.)

Fortunately, I grew up in Boston, where my friends and I spent every snowstorm of our teenage years perfecting our arctic stunt-driving skills … which is why, during today’s commute, I was able to narrowly maneuver my way out of some ugly moments that would have had most gamblers betting the farm on yours truly becoming one with a snowdrift.

As if the treacherous, unplowed roadways weren’t enough to deal with, this was one of those shitty, unyielding storms that makes everyone’s windshield wipers keep icing up. After reaching out the window several times to quickly bang the ice off the driver’s-side blade as it reached its apex (because I sure as shit wasn’t getting out of the car to do it), I employed my tried-and-true method of turning the heat all the way up with the fan maxed out on the “defrost” setting. Sure, it felt like I was sitting in a dry sauna for two hours and I was sweating my ass off by the time I got home … but every motherfucking snowflake that came within six inches of my windshield was vaporized before it could even think about clinging to my wiper blades. So there.

Sitting in this blizzard-related traffic is giving me lots of time to ponder the stupidity of living here.

A photo posted by Daddy Scratches (@daddyscratches) on

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11 Comments

  1. Posted January 22, 2014 at 7:12 am | Permalink

    Yikes.

    Well, I guess I won’t complain about my commute in this morning….
    Gigi´s most recent blog post: Twenty-three years and counting…My Profile

  2. LucyMay
    Posted January 22, 2014 at 7:16 am | Permalink

    “… which is why, during today’s commute, I was able to narrowly maneuver my way out of some ugly moments that would have had most gamblers betting the farm on yours truly becoming one with a snowdrift.”

    YOU KILL ME, ROTFLMAO!

  3. Posted January 22, 2014 at 9:58 am | Permalink

    I think you won. Daddyscratches – 1, Snow – 0.
    Laurie´s most recent blog post: Glass JewelryMy Profile

  4. J
    Posted January 22, 2014 at 2:11 pm | Permalink

    As a person who was born and currently lives in a desert I don’t feel your pain. But I did live in Texas once and during the winter we got 0.05 inches of snow and it was a bitch.

    Point of the story: I’m trying to make myself feel better about living in a desert.
    J´s most recent blog post: On ‘Trying to be beautiful’My Profile

  5. Posted January 22, 2014 at 7:38 pm | Permalink

    I live on the opposite coast just north of Seattle. I love this area for all the things it DOESN’T have. I’ll keep my rain, thanks.
    Stay warm, DS!
    Jodee´s most recent blog post: Parenting, the hardest job I’ve ever had!My Profile

  6. Posted January 22, 2014 at 9:17 pm | Permalink

    Please send back our winter weather! I hate this 42 degrees and rain in Alaska. Almost all the snow is gone. The driveway is an ice rink but melting quickly.

  7. Posted January 23, 2014 at 8:52 pm | Permalink

    Oh gods! I can’t even imagine weather like that. I will never complain about walking to the grocery shop on a hot, humid day again!… or at least not until the next time I leave the house.
    Cassandra´s most recent blog post: Fixing Up My GardenMy Profile

  8. Posted January 24, 2014 at 9:54 am | Permalink

    I am so sick of this weather.

    I want to live where the palm trees go.

    It’s -2 here today.
    Ragemichelle´s most recent blog post: When Good Eyes Go BadMy Profile

  9. Posted January 26, 2014 at 2:26 pm | Permalink

    I grew up in Michigan and detest snow. I remember the days you speak of so well. I live outside Seattle now. You know what we do when it snows? We sit at home and wait until the shit melts. When we moved out here I couldn’t believe it. And when I say snow, I’m talking about a half inch of white powder that makes people freak the hell out. Good luck with the snow in the upcoming weeks. I know it totally sucks.
    Rhonda´s most recent blog post: Is Being Liberal Really a Bad Thing?My Profile

  10. Janet
    Posted January 28, 2014 at 4:52 pm | Permalink

    This. Is why I moved to the Bay Area.

  11. Shelley
    Posted January 29, 2014 at 10:52 am | Permalink

    I am from CT but have lived in NC for 3 years now. Yesterday in Winston Salem there was a total of 1 inch of snow. Schools were out early and cancelled today. We got out of work early, and came into work today delayed. Cars were in ditches and abandoned on the highway because they ran out of gas waiting in traffic. Holy crap, my yankee friends were cracking up when I sent them the pictures. Makes me wonder what the south would do (and how long they would close EVERYTHING) if they got 4 ” of snow. WTF!?

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