The Week in Review: January 24, 2014 … a collection of bitching and moaning misleadingly presented as though it were part of an ongoing weekly feature that doesn’t really exist

nobel-snow

I call this one “Winter.”
(Actually, I call this one “Random picture that I just took out the side door of my office building for the sole purpose of having a photo to stick at the beginning of this post.”)

As previously reported, I had a lovely birthday last Friday … and I am both glad and thankful for the memory of that day, because I’ve not had a particularly good one since.

Over the weekend, I … Christ, I don’t even remember. I know it largely involved trying (and, ultimately, failing in epic fashion) to not lose my shit all over my eight-and-a-half-year-old daughter, who for the past two weeks has slipped into a horrifically disconcerting, anxiety-induced regression back to age three … complete with nonstop, inconsolable crying and “No!”-ing and grunting and, most disturbingly, endless amounts of high-pitched, prolonged, banshee-like shrieking and screaming that has caused the rupturing of eardrums in both dogs and people alike in lands as far off as Reykjavik, Iceland. (And I would take the time to articulate for you just how sad and scared and upset and concerned for her this behavior has made me, but doing so will just accelerate my arrival at Camp Depression, so I will instead continue in my customary, flippant, asshole-like tone.)

Her continuous shrieking and screaming pierced my skull and skewered my brain with what felt like an electrified ice pick, and after repeated stabbings, I erupted last Sunday by non-ironically screaming

STOP
SCREAMING!

in a positively thunderous tone at a positively frightful volume. I sounded monstrous and terrifying and altogether inhuman … which, as you might imagine, was the perfect balm with which to soothe not only my already distraught daughter, but also my wife and son, both of whose nerves — much like my own — had long ago been stripped raw by Jayna’s incessant meltdowns.

In related news: Scaring the ever-loving fuck out of your entire nuclear family by turning into Godzilla is an excellent solution for those of you puzzling over how to make yourself feel like The Biggest Douche of All Time. Also? A spectacular aphrodisiac with which to arouse your spouse. No, wait: the opposite of that.

I’ve since apologized to all of them … and, to their credit, none of them have yet poisoned me or bludgeoned me to death in my sleep, which I think is a good sign.

In the wake of all that fun, Mother Nature dumped about a foot of snow on us Tuesday and, as noted in my previous entry, the blizzard transformed my usual 25-minute commute into a two-and-a-half-hour episode of “Man vs. Wild” … which sucked enough in its own right, but the magnitude of the day’s Suck Factor ballooned exponentially when, moments after returning home, I learned that my one close friend at work — the dude whom I credit with making bearable the 9-to-5 drudgery of the bleak, three-and-a-half-year detour my career has taken — is leaving next week for a new and better job.

To give you some idea as to how crucial he has been in helping me hold on to the few remaining shreds of my fluorescent-tinged, cubicle-shaped sanity: Zan, Jayna and Wonder Woman all responded to the news by hugging and consoling me.

I am, of course, happy for him … but his imminent departure is forcing me to look with renewed scrutiny and an increased sense of panic upon the massive disparity between what I’m doing for a living and what I want to be doing for a living. Still, I’m inclined to believe that his leaving ultimately is in my best interest; the less comfortable I am here, the more motivated I’ll be to finally make my escape. I hope.

Meanwhile, on a more positive note, this just arrived in my email:

bdaybash-1week

Is it next Friday yet?

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8 Comments

  1. Posted January 24, 2014 at 9:47 pm | Permalink

    Oh man. That is a shitty week, but at least it’s Friday. AND only one week away from the big shindig 🙂
    Here’s hoping for better days this week.
    P.S. Thanks for the Twitter follow.

  2. Posted January 26, 2014 at 2:08 pm | Permalink

    Crazy week, for sure. Maybe your daughter should try out for the next “Scream” flick. Glad it’s ending on a high note…
    Jennifer Steck´s most recent blog post: I’m a Cry BabyMy Profile

  3. Posted January 26, 2014 at 7:01 pm | Permalink

    I’m so sorry. That sounds incredibly stressful with your daughter, especially if it started so suddenly. And those workplace friends who keep you sane–It’s horrible when they leave, I know. I hope this next week is better, is all I can think to say, and I’m glad you have your NYC trip coming up.

  4. Posted January 27, 2014 at 6:23 am | Permalink

    Just making sure my husband isn’t writing a to secret blog. If this is you dear, please take out the garbage. If it its not, I think your wife wants you to take out the garbage. There, now isn’t that better? A complete stranger just nagged you to remind you that it could be worse. Chin up, you aren’t alone in this one.. Also, love your writing.

  5. Pam
    Posted January 28, 2014 at 9:48 am | Permalink

    Don’t know if you’re familiar with it, but there is an autoimmune disorder called
    P.A.N.D.A.S Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with Strep. It’s characterized by SUDDEN drastic changes in a child’s behavior which often occur after a strep infection. My son went thru something similar to your daughter’s behavior before he was diagnosed. If you’re interested, you can find more info at http://pandasnetwork.org/ Sorry if I’m overreacting..I just read your post and and immediately thought of the disorder when I read about your daughter. Hope it helps!

    • Posted January 29, 2014 at 11:26 am | Permalink

      It’s on our radar. Thank you for taking the time to write. I appreciate it.

  6. Sandy H.
    Posted January 30, 2014 at 4:59 pm | Permalink

    Sounds like your daughter and my 5 year old son could be best friends; he went from being a 24/7 happy little soul to a MONSTER in the past few months. No clue where I went wrong, maybe the morning he wanted Apple Jacks and I gave him Cinnamon Toast Crunch was the final nail in the coffin for him. (Same scenario last night when I realized my husband finished off MY pack of mega stuffed Oreos. I got three. THREE.)

    I’m sorry you’re losing your favorite coworker. They really can make or break a job, and hopefully, your amazing weekend in NYC will help soften the blow a bit more. Have fun, and be safe! Say hi to Margarita for me, because seriously? Margarita? That’s… amazing.

  7. Posted February 1, 2014 at 11:25 am | Permalink

    I’ve been in your shoes. I believe I told my thirteen year old daughter that I needed her to just step away from me because I just could not take one more minute of complaining about the horrors of middle school. Very supportive mother. I will win an award for that one.

    I’m sorry to hear your little one is going through so much distress. It’s hard to watch your child suffer. You are only human. That being said – enjoy your weekend in NYC!

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