If you’re a ginormous asshole who regularly demonstrates a total disregard for your co-workers, this post is for you

So that I.T. job I’ve been wasting away at for almost four years now? Well, I still haven’t figured out how to leverage my writing skills in a way that’ll get me the fuck outta there … but I have figured out how to have a little fun with those skills in the meantime. And so, instead of limiting the recipients of my latest masterpieces to the adult-sized toddlers with whom I work, I figured I’d share these two missives with all of you as well. You’re welcome! (Of course, it’s beyond depressing that I work in a place where the following emails are even necessary — particularly the second one —but sending them to every single person in the corporate office felt good.)

To: Home Office
From: Jon
Subject: Office Etiquette 101

Dear Everyone:

If, after obtaining a paper towel from the rack over the kitchen sink, the dispenser looks like this:
 
image001
 
… you have officially used the last paper towel. The one glued to the roll doesn’t count. There’s a new roll under the sink. (I know this because I’ve replaced it for the offending party/parties twice in as many weeks.)
 
Stay tuned for next week’s lesson, in which we tell the fellas about the latest development in toilet-seat technology: Hinges! (Sneak preview: They allow you to tilt the seat up before peeing all over the place!)

Thank you,

Jon
Home Office Etiquette Officer

I had hoped that my little passive-aggressive zinger at the end there would allow me to kill two birds with one stone … but I soon realized that the kind of douchebag who regularly pisses all over the workplace toilet seats isn’t the type of person who knows how to take a passive-aggressive hint … which is why, a couple of weeks later, I felt compelled to address the issue head-on.

To: Home Office
From: Jon
Subject: Office Etiquette 102 – Men’s-Only Edition

Gentlemen:

I apologize for the intrusion, but this is a daily, maddeningly obnoxious, easily avoidable occurrence that I no longer can tolerate: Please stop urinating on the toilet seats. Really. The bathroom is equipped with two perfectly good urinals … but if you’re the shy type and you just can’t bring yourself to use them like a big boy, then you simply must stop splashing your urine all over the toilet seats every single time you use the bathroom. Here’s how:

How To Not Splash Your Urine All Over The Toilet Seat: A Tutorial

Step 1a:

image005

Step 1b:

image006

TA-DAH!! That’s all there is to it! You can even leave the seat up when you’re done! Believe me, those of us who regularly and repeatedly are forced to clean up your liquid human waste every time we have need of a bathroom stall would much rather deal with the inconvenience of lowering the seat.

Thank you in advance for your immediate and total compliance with this outrageously reasonable request.

Jon
Home Office Etiquette Officer

If I ever figure out how to make a living writing wise-ass emails and blog posts, I can assure you that I won’t miss my current gig.

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9 Comments

  1. dkw1975
    Posted August 12, 2014 at 4:31 pm | Permalink

    Love that we went from three months of silence to this. Of course, I suspect that shows just how much you’re lovin’ life. Hope it improves! Hope the A-holes take heed, but if it is like this place…..

  2. frogprof
    Posted August 14, 2014 at 4:02 pm | Permalink

    Now can you please write one for the DB who can’t manage to reach that extra 4 inches to the dirty-dishes bucket but rather leaves his dirty dishes on the counter or in the [4-square-inch] kitchenette sink? That would be The Boss, of course, and I have MENTALLY ranted at him innumerable times … but am too much of a chicken to tell him to his face [most of the time — I have let loose once or twice in the eight years I’ve been in this job, and it always shocks him (“I am shocked — SHOCKED — to discover that I have been being an asshole all along!!”) but then he goes back to his wicked ways].
    *sigh*

  3. Posted August 14, 2014 at 10:58 pm | Permalink

    We used to post passive aggressive signs in out communal kitchen.
    At first I was confused by them because I thought we had child labor laws that would prevent small children from working but then I realized some of the people in the office must have had that weird disease where they were only 7 but looked like they were 40.
    There can be no other explanation for the amount of times new coffee pots had to be ordered to replace the ones that had been drained but replaced on the hot burner only to shatter causing the whole office to smell like burnt tar.
    Ronnie´s most recent blog post: Geek LoveMy Profile

  4. Posted August 15, 2014 at 12:31 am | Permalink

    Inquiring minds want to know if you got any results with your emails? I’d like to try the same sort of thing at my work – possible tutorials might be titled: “Men aren’t the only ones who pee on the toilet seat” and “The break room refrigerator – it doesn’t clean itself.” I especially you’re your instructional pictures!

  5. LS
    Posted August 15, 2014 at 10:41 am | Permalink

    The fact that you actually took the time to write this AND included a visual tutorial for the dumbos is a clear indication that you’re working for the wrong people. Looking forward to the new installment in the continuing saga of “Changing the paper towel roll will NOT cause brain cancer.” Atta boy, bringing enlightenment to the masses, one piss party at a time. You might also consider asking the boss for toilet seat covers, a happy compromise.

  6. Posted August 16, 2014 at 5:43 am | Permalink

    I just stumbled across this post and can’t stop giggling! I swear I work with the same caliber of awesomeness, only the gals I work with are more prone to epic fails in regards to bodily hygiene (in other words, they wear body odors like a second layer of clothing) and jaw-dropping cluelessness. (and I don’t care what spell check says, that is totally a word!) Thanks for making me laugh! Sorry it was achieved via your suffering! 🙂 Wow, I used a lot of exclamation marks there. I do apologize for the excessive use there.

  7. Posted August 19, 2014 at 2:48 pm | Permalink

    Dude, if you ever find a way to get out of IT, let me know. It’s been 25 years now and I have very little soul left…
    Michelle´s most recent blog post: One Night In Toronto And The Stars Were OutMy Profile

  8. Posted August 19, 2014 at 2:58 pm | Permalink

    We had people in our office who left notes on the microwave that said, “Please consider microwaving your stinky fish on another floor.” I almost posted a sign that said, “Considered it. Decided to go with this one. Thanks!” (I don’t actually microwave fish.) The “no fish” sign also had a picture of a fish with a circle and slash. One of my friends found a clip art of a soda and hamburger (to represent “food in general”) and put a circle and slash around it and posted it on the door of the microwave. Sadly, the passive-aggressive person has left, moved, or stopped caring about the fish smell (plus I know for a fact the guy who microwaved the fish is gone), so this highly entertaining non-verbal dialog has come to an end. I am sad.
    qwertygirl´s most recent blog post: My Summer Vacation, Part 1My Profile

  9. professionaldawn
    Posted August 19, 2014 at 9:58 pm | Permalink

    Um, it might be women peeing on the seat. No joke. There are lots of women who refuse to sit on the toilet seat – they hover over it, fearful of gerrrrms, and tinkle upon it. Haven’t you ever noticed in women’s bathrooms in airports there’s always pee on the seat? Ugh. I want all women to just sit on the seat. Germs will not eat away at the copious flesh of your buttocks.

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