I was going to be a successful writer but then A.D.D. and Facebook and what the fuck were we just talking about?

I’ve been meaning to write something awesome … but then this porcupine ate a pumpkin:

I think we can all agree that that is some critically important shit right there, people … and if not for Facebook, I might have missed it while squandering my time in pursuit of my greatest dreams and ambitions.

Fortunately, I have access to Facebook at all hours of the day—on my phone, my computer and my iPad … which, granted, is pretty kick-ass, but still … I’m hoping that Mark Zuckerberg soon will unveil plans to install Facebook directly onto my optic nerve so that a news-feed overlay will appear in my field of vision at all times. And when that magical day arrives, I shall never again risk missing video footage of a pumpkin-eating porcupine … or a guinea-pig tug-of-war … or a recipe for something I shall neither prepare nor eat, ever, posted by someone of whom I have absolutely no recollection, but with whom I apparently attended grade school several decades ago … or the terrifyingly ignorant/bigoted/moronic/misguided political musings of friends and/or family members whom I previously thought were at least semi-sane and semi-rational human beings … or pictures of the kids. Like, all of them. In the world.

But here’s the thing: I’M DYING. I AM GOING TO DIE.

No, really. I’m serious. I mean, hopefully that’s not gonna happen any time soon … but still … you never know. Point being: I have a finite amount of hours left before the lights go out … and given the precious and fleeting nature of those hours, and the extent to which I still have many unrealized dreams that I’m delusional enough to believe still might be attainable, you’d think that, instead of watching a porcupine eating a pumpkin, I’d be using my limited number of remaining breaths in pursuit of said dreams.

UPDATE: (And you might be asking yourself, “Update? Did I miss something? I don’t recall ever seeing this post before.” And you’re right: I wrote everything above, like, four weeks ago, but never got around to actually finishing this piece (probably because I was too busy watching some dumbfuck video on Facebook). I finally came back to it today, and I now have an UPDATE to this previously unpublished post. Basically, it’s like you’re getting two posts for the price of one! Hot damn!) About a week ago, I deleted the Facebook app from my iPhone. This has given me my life back. I am free. Hello, world. So nice to see you again. In person, I mean. Instead of on Facebook.

Listen, I still check Facebook on my computer and my iPad [Another UPDATE (12.08.2015): I’ve since deleted it from my iPad as well!] … but I only do so for relatively short periods of time. The majority of the time that I used to spend giving myself a Facebook lobotomy occurred with my iPhone in hand. Like, first thing in the morning … and last thing at night … and if I had a dime for every morning I got out of bed later than I’d originally planned or went to sleep later than I should have because I was consumed with scrolling through Facebook’s ever-rising sea of superfluous bullshit, I’d have a pile of coins so impressively large that I could post a picture of it on Facebook and it would go viral and become one more thing wasting the time of millions of Facebook users whose friends post things like pictures of impressively large piles of dimes.

Christ, I’m so glad I’ve broken that cycle. And you know what? I’d strongly encourage you to do the same. Surely you have other things you’d like to accomplish. So go on … delete that Facebook app. You know, right after you “Like” and “Share” this post, that is.

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