Jury unanimously rules in favor of enraged father who used controversial “Star Wars”-spoiler defense in the beating death of his 12-year-old son’s dickhead classmate

That is a news headline you may well be reading in the not-too-distant future, because I am so pissed off and upset right now that I barely know what else to do with myself. And because I have no rational and/or truly satisfying target at which to aim the massive amount of rage, sadness and disappointment boiling within me, I am going to channel it into this post with the hope that doing so might help me to process the situation and move on. (I don’t believe it will, but I’m going to give it a try anyway, because the alternative is to beat my son’s dickhead classmate to death … the reason for which almost certainly would result in my acquittal during the murder trial, but the doing of which would make life very unpleasant for me and my family.)

For a full year now, my children and I have intentionally, and with no small amount of effort and dedication, avoided viewing all of the “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” trailers, commercials, articles, etc. This has been no easy feat. To wit: when attending “Ant-Man” at the IMAX theater this past summer, my son and I knew the theater would be showing a “Star Wars” trailer prior to the movie, so we both brought earbuds, inserted them in our ears the moment we saw the “Lucasfilm” logo during the previews, cranked up some music, and sat there with our eyes closed until we were sure we had missed any and all “Star Wars” footage. (And, yes, I know I’m a lunatic raising a son who one day will lay on a therapist’s couch and talk about what a lunatic his father is, so there’s no need for you to point that out.)

While watching television in recent weeks, we have repeatedly pounced on the remote control while simultaneously turning our heads away from the TV and, during the interval between spotting the “Lucasfilm” logo and successfully engaging the “Mute” button, have drowned out the sound of the commercial by yelling something to the effect of “AH OHHH WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH BLAH BLAH BLAH I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THIS!” Every. Single. Time.

Ever since Disney announced plans to make “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” my plan had been to pull the children out of school on the film’s opening day in order to guarantee our avoidance of any spoilers … but when tickets went on sale two months in advance, my calendar indicated that my daughter’s class would be holding its annual holiday recital on the day of the movie’s release, during which she would be performing with both the orchestra and the chorus. I knew I couldn’t pull her out of that commitment, so I instead bought tickets to a 10 a.m. showing on the film’s second day in theaters, which was yesterday.

(Adding insult to soon-to-be-revealed injury: On Thursday night, I learned that my daughter’s recital had at some point been rescheduled for tomorrow, but by that time, the opening-day showings of “Star Wars” had long since sold out, so we were forced to stick with Saturday. Had I known of this change far enough in advance, we could have attended the film on opening day … which makes what follows even more difficult for me to swallow.)

For over a year now, my son and I have counted down the months, weeks, days and, ultimately, hours until we would at last be watching a new “Star Wars” film together in a movie theater. Every morning this week, we awoke and greeted each other with proclamations of the number of days left, both of us giddy with excitement.

"Star Wars" excitement

We were a little excited.

When I returned home from work Friday evening, my son tearfully told me that some rotten, soulless, douchetastic little rat-fuck of a boy with whom he attends school had announced to my son with malicious intent less than 24 hours prior to our viewing of “Star Wars” what I shall refer to as “THE MOST MAJOR FUCKING SPOILER IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA” … the details of which my son did not tell me, because he didn’t want to ruin the movie for me. And my heart broke, and its pieces fell into an all-consuming fire of unbridled rage and sadness that now has me wishing it was socially and legally acceptable for a 45-year-old man to inflict some kind of harm upon a sixth grader who quite probably deserves to have something really shitty happen to him. (And, no, I don’t really want to murder or physically harm a sixth-grade boy, but right now, I very much DO wish upon that little prick a degree of mental and emotional anguish commensurate with that which he caused my son.)

Yesterday, we saw “Star Wars,” and when “THE MOST MAJOR FUCKING SPOILER IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA” happened, I was triply traumatized: once because HOLY FUCK I CAN’T BELIEVE “THE MOST MAJOR FUCKING SPOILER IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA” JUST HAPPENED; twice because my 10-year-old daughter—whom, up to that point, had been holding my hand and gleefully telling me every so often that “The Force Awakens” was the greatest movie she had ever seen—was completely traumatized to the point of sobbing over “THE MOST MAJOR FUCKING SPOILER IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA”; and thrice because I immediately knew that “THE MOST MAJOR FUCKING SPOILER IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA” was what my son’s pathetic little fuck of a classmate had told him.

It has been 27 hours since we walked out of the movie theater, and I still feel emotionally raw from the aforementioned triple-pronged attack. For what it’s worth: I absolutely loved the movie … but I regret not taking the kids on Friday, and I am beyond upset that some wretched little fuckhead took away my son’s ability to fully enjoy this very special thing that he had been looking forward to for so long.

And I don’t feel any better about the incident for having written about it, because doing so doesn’t return to my son the latest slice of his joyful childhood innocence stolen from him by a frequently shitty world that I can not completely shield and protect him from (nor does it lessen my sense that I failed him by not taking him to see “Star Wars” on opening day) … but I still needed to vent, because, like I said: I don’t know what else to do with myself … so I did this. Which probably is wiser than murdering a sixth grader. So at least I’ve got that going for me.

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  1. Posted December 20, 2015 at 7:05 pm | Permalink

    I’m sorry. Sometimes kids are ridiculously mean.

    But, I’m glad you enjoyed the movie.

  2. Keeley
    Posted December 20, 2015 at 10:36 pm | Permalink

    That rat bastard.
    Otoh, the kid probably has no real idea of the depth of the hideousness of what he did – because he’s in sixth grade. Not to worry, karma is real, and one day he will know, and will feel like a rat bastard and wish with all his might that he could take it back.

    It’s sad and heart-rending, but it seems to me that previous posts have shown your son to be remarkably well-adjusted. He’s going to be ok. And so are you, as long as you don’t actually murder the kid. πŸ˜€

    I have to say though, I’m totally impressed. I have a roaring mama bear streak that I thought unmatched in any other human. It appears your insane poppa bear streak is even more developed. Impressive. (Most impressive). Quit beating yourself up about not taking them on Friday though. You absolutely made the best decisions you could at the time. No guilt needed.

    • Posted December 21, 2015 at 11:46 am | Permalink

      Yeah, I get more than a tad fired up when it comes to the kiddos. But, yes, you are right: he’s well adjusted, and he handled this one in his usual impressive fashion.

      Thanks for the support. πŸ™‚

  3. Leia's Mom
    Posted December 21, 2015 at 12:32 pm | Permalink

    We named our daughter Leia. My son and husband saw the movie on opening day, but Leia and I haven’t seen it yet. It’s getting increasingly difficult to avoid spoilers (thank you for your precautions), and my son and husband are dying to talk about it so we need to get to the theater soon (Christmas Eve showing tickets purchased). But if someone tells me the big news, I absolutely will throat-punch them. Even my son. I’m so sorry. There are few things that kids and adults love equally, and for that little asshat to take away that moment is unbearable.

  4. Posted December 21, 2015 at 9:56 pm | Permalink

    I’m so sorry. That was a completely shitty thing to do. Some people (even 6th graders) have nothing better in their lives than that little piece of information. Your son should be proud of the fact that he is not the type of person who would spoil something for someone else.

    Someone did the same thing to me. This was a full grown adult who thought they were being clever and subtle but they were not. I knew immediately what they meant. So I ran out to see it right away to avoid more spoilers. Then I got to sit next to the stupidest person on the planet who had already seen the movie and 10 full seconds before something happened he would curl up in his seat and put his hand over his mouth ruining every suspenseful moment in the movie. I could have beaten him senseless.

    On these people, I wish them rampant diarrhea.

    • Posted December 22, 2015 at 10:12 am | Permalink

      Ugh. What is wrong with people? And, more importantly, can we start a new society someplace where they can’t find us?

  5. Robin
    Posted December 22, 2015 at 1:42 pm | Permalink

    Let me preface this by saying, I’m a math nerd, not a science fiction nerd. I saw the Star Wars movies as a kid and have not watched them since then. That said, I saw it Friday with my nephew and brother in law. I left the theater bouncing with adrenaline because it was awesome and called my boyfriend who wasn’t seeing it until Monday with his nephew.

    I said the following to him, “I am seeing you Saturday night. I will not spoil this movie for you but you know how bad I am about keeping secrets and how I often ask you questions because I don’t watch most of these shows/movies. I suggest we see the movie Saturday night OR you accept that I cannot keep myself from asking you my questions past that time. I will do my absolute best to not spoil this for you but I think we should see it tomorrow night.”

    Thus I saw the movie a second time Saturday night with him so I wouldn’t explode.

  6. Mark G.
    Posted December 29, 2015 at 4:43 pm | Permalink


    I love you brother, but you need some help. IT’S A MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (…and it was a good movie).

    R.I.P. Lemmy

    You old buddy


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