Author Archives: Daddy Scratches

Burger King spiked my co-worker’s fries with a mind-altering substance

It all started with a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich. We ran out of sliced turkey … and being the financially sensible (read: broke) person that I am, I decided that, rather than eat out, I would bring to work a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich. Lunchtime arrived. I was weak. Faint. Famished. I ate the peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich. It was, shall we say, less than satisfying. I was fucking starving. To death, even. Death was imminent. My co-worker, meanwhile, opted for Burger King … a place from which I had not eaten a single morsel in more than 10 years. It was 2002 when last I… [read the rest]

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Posted in Cubicle, Life | 11 Responses

This entire thing is in my stomach right now

File under “Irony” … Right after lunch, I got this email from my doc: Your labs from yesterday are excellent. As expected, your HDL (good) cholesterol is even higher [than last year], and the remainder of your numbers are healthy. Please have someone carve that on my tombstone this weekend. Thanks. I’m gonna miss you guys.… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | 5 Responses

I appreciate this company-sanctioned act of rebellion

I feel young. Wild. Free. Look at me, bitches! I’m flipping off the establishment! Screw you, responsibility and adulthood! I’m a modern day Peter Pan! (If Peter Pan spent 40 hours per week in a cubicle farm, that is.) Khakis and dress shoes be damned. Today, I’m dressing down. Today, it’s jeans and sneakers. Because today? Today, my friends … is Casual Friday! Yeah, baby! Today, I’m sticking it to The Man! (With his permission, of course.) (Thank you, sir. May I have another?)… [read the rest]

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Posted in Cubicle, Life | 12 Responses

? It’s the least … wonderful tiiime … of the yeeearrr ?

Well, the holidays are over, boys and girls, and you know what that means: Time for me to slide into my cryogenic sleep chamber and get all kinds of unconscious for the next few months! Listen, I can handle the fall. I don’t like it … but I can handle it. In fact, if we could go from summer to fall and then right back to summer again, I’d be all smiles when fall showed up. Based on the current arrangement, however, fall is just nature’s equivalent of a used-car dealer pulling a shitty bait-and-switch routine. “You’re looking for Summer?… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life, Winter | Tagged | 18 Responses

Douchebag of the Year: National Rifle Association Executive Vice President and CEO / gun lobbyist Wayne Lapierre

If this guy … fucked this guy … and they made a baby, that baby would grow up to be this guy: Yesterday, one week to the day after a madman walked into an elementary school with a military-style assault rifle that he used to fire into the bodies of 20 children and six adults a torrent of .223-caliber bullets fed to his weapon by a high-capacity magazine that allowed him to cause an unimaginable amount of death and carnage before ever needing to reload, National Rifle Association Executive Vice President and CEO Wayne Lapierre — the man who more… [read the rest]

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Posted in Politics | 2 Responses