Author Archives: Daddy Scratches

Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme.

I know it tastes disgusting. I know you don’t like it. But look into my eyes; you’ll see that I don’t give a shit. I felt for you the first time. Was patient as can be. I tolerated meltdowns for doses two and three. But now we’re on day 5 of 10 and I want you to know that if you don’t just drink it down, my stack I’m going to blow. I thought by now you’d get it. I thought you’d have a clue. The medicine? You’re taking it … no matter what you do. I don’t care if… [read the rest]

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Posted in Parenthood | Tagged | 43 Responses

Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.”

Dear My Children: I’m sorry, but you’re not going to wear me down on this one. Sometimes Daddy has to be a dick. This is one of those times. Yes, I know you really, really, REALLY want a dog. The fact that you say it on a daily basis has tipped me off. If you ask me every day to wrap my feet in bacon and plunge them into a tank full of starving piranha, the answer also will be “No.” The frequency of your request makes no difference to me, is my point. Yes, I know your cousins have… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life, Parenthood | Tagged | 48 Responses

Happy Birthday to me … in NYC … Wait, come back. I promise I won’t try to bust out any more rhymes.

Happy Birthday to me ... in NYC ... Wait, come back. I promise I won't try to bust out any more rhymes.
Click the image above to view full-size photo.

I’m 42 today.… [read the rest]

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Posted in Featured Photo, My Birthday | 30 Responses

If I had been any closer to the stage at that Van Halen show the other night, I’d be carrying Eddie’s baby

I knew going into last Thursday night’s Van Halen concert that, based solely on the size of the venue, I’d be fairly close to the stage … but I didn’t know I’d be THIS close: No, seriously: One of the most awesome things about sitting this close to the stage while seeing Van Halen perform in a tiny little basement club in New York City … is being able to say that you were sitting this close to the stage while seeing Van Halen perform in a tiny little basement club in New York City. In truth, the show was… [read the rest]

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Posted in Music, Van Halen | 35 Responses

That blow job I offered 2012? Already paying off.

So there’s that whole thing with me and Van Halen, right? Well, the band is about to release its first new album with original singer David Lee Roth in 28 years, and to drum up some excitement, the boys are playing a private show Thursday night in New York City at a little hole-in-the-wall place that holds only a couple hundred people. It’s about as big as my kitchen. (Background info: My kitchen = Not so big.) Here’s the outside: Here’s the inside: Now, the newly minted Year 2012, after hearing what I was willing to do in order to… [read the rest]

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Posted in Music, Van Halen | 17 Responses