Author Archives: Daddy Scratches

Good news, 2012! That ass massage I gave 2011 worked out so well that I’m pretty sure there’s fellatio in your future!

Two years ago today, while hurtling headlong toward a depression-induced midlife crisis (or a midlife-crisis-induced depression; either way), I had the audacity to tell 2010 I was going to kick its ass. Those of you who’ve been here for a while now know how well that worked out. (SPOILER: Really shitty!) One year ago today, I proffered an epic mea culpa to 2011 by promising to massage its ass with exotic oils while feeding it hand-peeled grapes and telling it how wise and attractive and thin and youthful-looking it was. And in return for my whorish behavior, 2011 rewarded me… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life, Parenthood | 6 Responses

A letter to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

An oldie but a goodie… Dear Zan & Jayna, I’ve tried to be nice, children. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on the shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky locale your father I could find. And I’ve tried. I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And they I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but after the display… [read the rest]

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Posted in Jayna, Parenthood, Zan | Tagged | 26 Responses

When you buy a $300,000 car, do you take out an auto loan … or a mortgage? (Actually, I’m guessing you pay for it with a bag of unmarked bills.)

When you buy a $300,000 car, do you take out an auto loan ... or a mortgage? (Actually, I'm guessing you pay for it with a bag of unmarked bills.)
Click the image above to view full-size photo.

So here’s that Lamborghini I was telling you about. It was parked outside the Rittenhouse Hotel in Philadelphia, widely considered the nicest hotel in the city. Wonder Woman and I… [read the rest]

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Posted in Featured Photo | 14 Responses

Proof that Pixar should have hired me to draw Lightning McQueen

This is me standing next to the Lamborghini that I happened upon while in Philadelphia this past weekend. As you can see, I had my camera with me … which was fortuitous, as it allowed me to capture a fabulous photograph of this kick-ass automobile. And I had fully intended to show you that photograph. However, despite going out of my way last night to make sure that I would be able to access from my work computer today the photograph in question, the Internet has chosen to instead flip me the digital bird. (I’m flipping the Internet the digital… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | 13 Responses

Zombie Dinner Party … with your chef, Dr. Hannibal Lector

“Ugh. Brains,” I whispered to Wonder Woman after the chef announced that the third course would include sweetbreads. “What?” “Sweetbreads,” I whispered, “are brains.” “Oh,” she said, sounding rather amused, though far from relieved. “I thought they were balls.” Hey, they might as well have been balls, because guess what brains and balls both have in common? Neither one goes in my fucking mouth. Listen, when my mother-in-law sprung for us to attend an expensive benefit dinner at a luxury apartment in the ritziest section of Philadelphia for a meal prepared by the chef of a well-known Italian restaurant, I… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | 28 Responses