Author Archives: Daddy Scratches

More evidence that a.) I’m mentally ill, and b.) I really do need a vacation

Remember that whole Balloon Boy thing? I discovered today that it apparently scarred me. As I watched what we were all led to believe was a homemade weather balloon with a 5-year-old boy trapped inside of it — or, worse, a homemade weather balloon that may already have ejected and sent plunging to his death a 5-year-old boy — I couldn’t help but imagine how I’d feel if it was one of my own children, and the anxiety that I experienced as a result of that pleasant little daydream was intense. (And, yes, I wanted to beat the balls off… [read the rest]

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Posted in Buffoonery, Life | 25 Responses

I was going to call this one ‘Waterworld,’ because, much like that film, this incident involved water and sucked … but at least ‘Waterworld’ had Jeanne Triplehorn in it, which makes it way better than the colossal screw-up I pulled this weekend

Subtitle: That one time Bossy almost ruined my house even though she’s never been to my house and was actually about 2,000 miles away when this incident occurred, but still… “Daddy, I took my socks off,” Jayna announced as I exited my office and saw her at the other end of the hallway. (I’m big on making the kids wear socks around the house when it’s cold out, because, as everyone knows, the single greatest factor in determining whether or not a child falls prey to illness is whether or not that child keeps his or her feet covered with… [read the rest]

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Posted in Buffoonery | 33 Responses

The one where I justify spending a ton of money we don’t have, because it’s all in the name of LOVE, people

Oh, the stress. The stress, I tell you. It’s very stressful, the stress, it is. And I regret to inform you that the biggest source of my stress right now stems from a subject that currently is embargoed, so I can not yet speak of it here, but suffice to say that the stressor in question? It’s particularly stressful … stressfully so, in fact. And when the embargo is lifted, there very well may be an absolutely riveting (to me, anyway) saga unfolding in these here pages. But, alas, that will have to wait for now. Meanwhile, there’s the rest… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life, Marriage | 28 Responses

It’s a good thing I’m so naturally crafty and handy and oh wait no I’m not

It was supposed to be so simple: take the little block of wood, cut it into a car-like shape, slap some paint on it, attach the wheels, ta-dah, done, finished, no sweat. Of course, when it comes to me, nothing is simple … particularly a pseudo-carpentry project. You need a Pinewood Derby website? Well, hot damn: I’m your man. I can code the living shit out of your Pinewood Derby website. You need me to make a functional Pinewood Derby car out of a block of wood? Yeah? How ’bout I just conjure up some fucking unicorns for you while… [read the rest]

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Posted in Parenthood, Zan | 24 Responses

Helpful tip: Don’t go to the Emergency Room on St. Patrick’s Day. Also? Don’t try to be your own pharmacist.

So there I was, shortly after midnight Thursday, in the emergency room, eight or nine wires connecting my arms, legs and torso to an EKG machine so that the triage nurse could make sure I wasn’t having a heart attack. I was pretty sure I wasn’t, but, you know … there was all this really expensive shit right there that could definitively say whether or not I was, so I figured I might as well go with it. I wasn’t having a heart attack. What I was having, however, was a lengthy, at times mild, at times not so mild,… [read the rest]

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Posted in Buffoonery, Life | Comments closed