Author Archives: Daddy Scratches

Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me an almost-40-year-old man who gets into Halloween way too much

I shall now regale you with the tale of “The Man Who Loved Halloween (Perhaps A Bit Too Much).” I, quite simply, lose my fucking mind on Halloween — particularly since the arrival in my life six years ago of Mr. Bones. Mr. Bones is a 4-foot tall skeleton who sports a black grim-reaper cloak, and who has in the back of his skull an electrical input and a microphone input. When one speaks into the microphone, one’s voice is broadcast from a speaker hidden beneath Mr. Bones’ cloak while his jaw moves in sync with the dialogue and his… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | 8 Responses

Patriotic duty

This morning, I taped my “Veterans for Obama” sign to my front-door window. I did so to compensate for the fact that some asshole walked all the way up to the front of my house in broad daylight yesterday and stole my Obama yard sign. Fortunately, I’m pretty sure that the lack of signage in my front yard won’t have a substantial impact on Obama’s final vote tally tomorrow. Though I served in the U.S. Army from 1988 to 1992, it took me a while to actually internalize the fact that I am a “veteran.” Part of my inability to… [read the rest]

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Mr. Bones

About 6 years ago this past August, Wonder Woman was at the local Christmas Tree Shop and saw a palette of boxes, each of which contained one of these handsome fellers. They were about $20 each. Best 20 bucks we ever spent. Mr. Bones here comes equipped with a corded microphone that, when spoken into, causes his jaw to move and eyes to light up, as well as the voice of the person who is actually talking to come out of a speaker in Mr. Bones’ chest, which is hidden beneath his cloak. In other words, he is the ultimate… [read the rest]

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Jack

With life having become such an unbelievably fast-moving blur in recent years, I’ve realized I don’t have any time to get properly excited in advance about specific holidays—and Halloween is right after Christmas on my list of favorites. Yes, I am a Halloween freak … and you will learn just how much so when I write something later this week about the lengths I go to in order to amuse myself on Halloween night. (Fortunately, the police have never found the bodies. No, I’m just kidding; they found a few, but haven’t been able to pin any on me.) This… [read the rest]

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Alternate ending

CUT! CUT CUT CUUUUUT! OK, c’mere. Do you see this script? Do you? Look right here, genius: “The Boston Red Sox, who were down three games to one and came within seven outs of being eliminated, complete yet another stunning and historic comeback to claim the 2008 American League pennant; World Series starts at Fenway Wednesday night. ROLL CREDITS.” Now, listen, jackass—who are you again? Tampa who? Tampa Bay? And you think you can just waltz in here and start ad-libbing? I don’t think so! Why not? Well, not that I owe you an explanation, Mr. Johnny Come Lately Tampa… [read the rest]

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Posted in Red Sox, Zan | 5 Responses