Author Archives: Daddy Scratches

Jon’s List of Things Not to Do, Item Nos. 231-233

231.) DO NOT assume that your wife won’t mind you posting on the Internet details about her personal life—such as a sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience. 232.) If you should choose to disregard No. 231, DO NOT include in the sarcastic and mostly unpleasant account of your Valentine’s Day experience a passage in which you cynically describe the act of buying your wife Valentine’s Day cards on behalf of her young children as an exercise in which you and she “pretend” that the children got her cards—especially when you’re writing about the fact that you… [read the rest]

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Greetings from the Arctic Tundra

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, that’s good to hear, because I’m much too tired to write now that all the excitement of good ol’ St. Valentine’s Day has worn me down to a nub. Yes, the air at Maison de Scratches was thick with romance. Highlights included me forgetting yet again that I am supposed to purchase Valentine’s Day cards that my wife and I can pretend are directed to her from our toddler son and infant daughter. Unfortunately, my Cro-Magnon-like brain continues defaulting to the concept that Valentine’s Day is all about wooing your… [read the rest]

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Posted in Family, Life, Marriage | 2 Responses

Remember me?

Q: Where the heck have you been for the past two weeks? You turned 36, and then fell off the face of the earth. What gives? A: Let me explain: The Universe did not respect my request to be spared the vomit bug that had previously felled my wife and son. I puked only once, but with enough ferocity and volume that I was certain my feet were going to come out of my mouth. The layer of dust blanketing everything in my office had become so deep that I could barely open the door, and the dumping station that… [read the rest]

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C’mon, Dave, gimme a break

Twenty minutes. That’s roughly how long I was able to listen to David Lee Roth’s first broadcast as the East Coast replacement for Howard Stern before I had to bail. I wanted to like it. Really, I did. There was a time, mind you, when I thought David Lee Roth was officially The Coolest Motherfucker Who Ever Walked the Earth. Unfortunately, that time was about 20 years ago. Prior to Dave’s radio debut, I predicted his show would last six months. After hearing him today, I’m halving that. I once called in to Howard’s show during a segment when Dave… [read the rest]

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Happy New Year

Eleven months ago, I installed WordPress on my server. I posted a dozen or so entries using the default Kubrick theme (some of which I’ll probably migrate over to this new set-up). Then I decided to create my own theme. It only took me the better part of a full year to finally get it online. I was determined to get the site up and running before the end of today. I made it—with about an hour to spare, even. Figured I’d start 2006 on the right foot. This place is currently held together with spit, chewing gum and some… [read the rest]

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