Author Archives: Daddy Scratches

If you’re a ginormous asshole who regularly demonstrates a total disregard for your co-workers, this post is for you

So that I.T. job I’ve been wasting away at for almost four years now? Well, I still haven’t figured out how to leverage my writing skills in a way that’ll get me the fuck outta there … but I have figured out how to have a little fun with those skills in the meantime. And so, instead of limiting the recipients of my latest masterpieces to the adult-sized toddlers with whom I work, I figured I’d share these two missives with all of you as well. You’re welcome! (Of course, it’s beyond depressing that I work in a place where… [read the rest]

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Posted in Cubicle | 9 Responses

I’ve narrowly cheated death yet again

Re-posting this oldie-but-goodie in anticipation of an epic follow-up that will see my hypochondria reach new heights. And with any luck, I’ll write it before the sun burns out and we all freeze to death. There are many downsides to being a hypochondriac … but it does have its benefits. Take yesterday, for example. Yesterday, I headed to my doctor’s office for the third time in about two weeks … which, for me, is unfuckingprecedented, since my immune system is basically on par with Wolverine’s. And yet, despite my mutant healing powers, I’ve had a persistent cough for, like, a… [read the rest]

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Posted in Life | Tagged | 38 Responses

And then I bought a spaceship!

And then I bought a spaceship!
Click the image above to view full-size photo.

In the midst of all this madness, I realized I was a 44-year-old man driving an econo-car that I bought when I was 29. … [read the rest]

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Posted in Featured Photo | 9 Responses

I’m basically replacing Howard Stern … except for the “replacing Howard Stern” part.

Testing, testing … one, two … mic check … is this thing on? It is? OK, good. HEY NOW! Listen, you might find this hard to believe, but things went so well for me at Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash that Howard himself gave me a job. In fact, he said he’s grooming me to take over the show after he retires. My first move? Fire Benjy. Of course, the reason you might find that hard to believe is that it’s, well, total bullshit. Completely made up. Nothing more than a figment of my imagination. HOWEVER … I did get to… [read the rest]

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Posted in Howard Stern, Life | Tagged | 2 Responses

It’s very important that one of you buy me a house on Florida’s Gulf Coast, because fuck this

And you thought I was having fun last week! Well, just look at how much fun I’m having this week! Yes, we got positively hammered with snow this past Monday … and because I was determined to finish my “Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash” wrap-up before doing anything else, I didn’t get outside with a shovel in my hand until around 8:30 p.m. … and I didn’t finish shoveling the foot-or-so of wet, heavy snow until around 11:30 p.m. The late-night shoveling excursion probably explains why I’m now battling a cold … an ailment that arrived in the wake of Tuesday… [read the rest]

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Posted in Winter | Tagged | 16 Responses