Author Archives: Daddy Scratches

I’m basically replacing Howard Stern … except for the “replacing Howard Stern” part.

Testing, testing … one, two … mic check … is this thing on? It is? OK, good. HEY NOW! Listen, you might find this hard to believe, but things went so well for me at Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash that Howard himself gave me a job. In fact, he said he’s grooming me to take over the show after he retires. My first move? Fire Benjy. Of course, the reason you might find that hard to believe is that it’s, well, total bullshit. Completely made up. Nothing more than a figment of my imagination. HOWEVER … I did get to… [read the rest]

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Posted in Howard Stern, Life | Tagged | 2 Responses

It’s very important that one of you buy me a house on Florida’s Gulf Coast, because fuck this

And you thought I was having fun last week! Well, just look at how much fun I’m having this week! Yes, we got positively hammered with snow this past Monday … and because I was determined to finish my “Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash” wrap-up before doing anything else, I didn’t get outside with a shovel in my hand until around 8:30 p.m. … and I didn’t finish shoveling the foot-or-so of wet, heavy snow until around 11:30 p.m. The late-night shoveling excursion probably explains why I’m now battling a cold … an ailment that arrived in the wake of Tuesday… [read the rest]

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Posted in Winter | Tagged | 16 Responses

A fan’s-eye view of Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash

If you’re still suffering from the heartbreak of not scoring tickets to Howard Stern’s Birthday Bash, I am warning you with peace and love to close this browser window immediately after you read the following tweet (please ignore the hashtags) … because nothing else I’m about to say is going to make you feel any better about not being there. If you didn't get into the #HowardBdayBash, don't feel bad. It's not that good. #TotalFuckingLie #GreatestNightEver #Howard — Daddy Scratches (@DaddyScratches) February 1, 2014 You’ve been warned, my friends. Proceed at your own peril. * * * I had braced myself… [read the rest]

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Posted in Howard Stern | Tagged | 21 Responses

If this shit keeps up, I’m pretty sure I’ll be sleeping at Howard Stern’s place this weekend

That pesky illness that forced me to call out sick on my birthday earlier this month? It seems to have returned in a more potent form. This particular strain is known as the Howard Stern Birthday Bash flu … and the only known treatment was for me to get my ass on an Amtrak to New York City. Originally, I had planned to work today and then head up to New York tomorrow, but my plans changed when this little Cinderella story of mine got even better. As if winning tickets to tomorrow night’s event wasn’t enough (and believe me:… [read the rest]

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Posted in Howard Stern | Tagged | 8 Responses

The Week in Review: January 24, 2014 … a collection of bitching and moaning misleadingly presented as though it were part of an ongoing weekly feature that doesn’t really exist

As previously reported, I had a lovely birthday last Friday … and I am both glad and thankful for the memory of that day, because I’ve not had a particularly good one since. Over the weekend, I … Christ, I don’t even remember. I know it largely involved trying (and, ultimately, failing in epic fashion) to not lose my shit all over my eight-and-a-half-year-old daughter, who for the past two weeks has slipped into a horrifically disconcerting, anxiety-induced regression back to age three … complete with nonstop, inconsolable crying and “No!”-ing and grunting and, most disturbingly, endless amounts of high-pitched,… [read the rest]

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Posted in Cubicle, Howard Stern, Life, Winter | 8 Responses